Toby Keith pitch ?

[bigdaddy123]

I've heard he writes a lot of his own material but figure I might as well give it a shot. A Night Out On The Town v1 It was a Saturday night and we'd just had a fight Guess I'm always sayin' somethin' wrong So I jumped in my car and drove down to this bar Where I heard they drink beer all night long Now don't get me wrong , I'm just a sensitive guy That woman means the world to me But once in a while I gotta say with a smile Man she's like a bad cavityv2 Now I got to this place and found a parkin' space In the back next to a Coupe de Ville I ducked in the line just in the nick of time To give the man a five dollar bill So I walked through the door and stepped on to the floor There were people to the left and the right They were laughin' and singin' , hell the place was swingin' This country band was playin' it tightpre I said " Hey bartender, I'm out on a bender And I'll probably need a "taxi" ride home" I'd made my decision, I was out on a mission Now kiddies don't you try this at homech I'll take four twelve ouncers and a glass of wine Make it two shots of whisky with a twist of lime This here's a drinkin' song ,won't you sing along? I hope you have a drink with mev3 Now I was feelin' a little loose from all that jungle juice So I ordered me another round He said "hold on a minute son,you're over the limit" " How 'bouts a Shirly Temple for now?" I said "What's with that cuz' ? I barely got a buzz" I thought you were a friend of mine? Won't you pour me one more so I can ever the score? Bartender would you be so kind?ch Make it four twelve ouncers and a glass of wine I'll take two shots of whisky with a twist of lime This here's a drinkin' song ,won't you sing along? I hope you have a drink with me?v4 Now I was dancin' in a line, and must of lost track of time I guess we really kicked up quite a din Then through the noise of it all some dude yelled "last call!" And I knew I had to get my order inch Make it four twelve ouncers and a glass of wine I'll take two shots of whisky with a twist of lime This here's a drinkin' song so won't you sing along? I hope you have a drink with me I hope you have a drink with me c. 2008 Paul Gregory All Rights Reserved

[scottyrock]

from everything I've read and heard about "country" songs it's almost wrtitten in stone the title of the song is in the chorus. other than that very cool! good story , moves along well.I like how the singer involves the listener from the start

[southern0077]

Toby Keith pitch? No doubt about it. Toby Keith all the way. Great lyrics. I love the course. There is nothing I would change. Very well done. 2 thumbs up. Keep writing

[tedsingingfox]

Although there are some cool ideas in here, this is WAY, WAY too wordy. Unless the tempo here is moving at 160 miles an hour, this is all but guaranteed to be a 5+ minute song. Before I continue, I should ask you...Is this for a specific TAXI listing? I sure don't remember reading one with Toby's name in it. If there's a call for songs "a la Toby Keith", I'd be stunned, but hey, that's not hard to do with me. If you're simply thinking about sending this to his manager/producer/label, hoping to get it heard (much less, cut)... This is said in NO WAY as a reflection of the strengths or weaknesses of your song, but... don't waste the postage. He is TOO big, too famous...and his "team" is far too busy to listen to unsolicited submissions. If they are not specifically LOOKING for killer hit songs RIGHT NOW, I can promise you this will go directly in to the circular file. It's nothing personal, it's simply the nature of the beast.(OK, now back to our regularly scheduled program...your song.)And if we're going to discuss the "prosody" of these lyrics, there is not a drunk on EARTH capable of speaking that many words clearly and precisely, especially not at the pace needed to keep this under 3:30 --which is sort of an unwritten standard of length to AIM for...and YES, I said AIM for. (For that matter, I doubt anyone with a hangover from the amount of alcohol described here could speak these lyrics clearly, either. Lord knows, I couldn't...probably not even stone cold sober. And being a bartender, my own self -not to mention, a consumer of alcohol- for decades now...have you ever heard of someone drinking "two shots of whiskey, with a twist of lime"? Tequila shots, maybe, but NOT whiskey. It doesn't ring true.) Of course, there are exceptions to those song-length guidelines, but not many. And it is mostly artists who write and sing their own songs --Toby Keith, for instance-- who are the ONLY ones who can stretch those boundaries and get away with it...and even then, only rarely. Being outsiders and "nobody's" like we are, we do NOT have that liberty. Have you checked the lengths of Toby Keith's last 10 radio singles? I'd bet there's only ONE, maybe two, that are over 4 minutes. This is a strong beginning. You've got lots to work with here, plenty of meat to chaw... But there is a TON of fat to be trimmed here. Good luck with this. I'd LOVE to see you give this a serious edit and then repost it...Ted

[bigdaddy123]

hey Ted , thanks for replying- you've got some good points. I think I started this in response to a listing that expired eons ago but never got finished in time . Just goes to show that you really need to have a good demo ready BEFORE the listing appears. I'm kind of glad now that it didn't get submitted in its current form for obvious reasons. As to the length, it clocks in at 4:04 as is with two 1-bar solos so yea it definately moves along, but I don't think there's an extra-ordinary amount of words to remember - but you're right there are some incongruities in the content that could be addressed , the second verse needs paring and it might need a bridge etc... Hey, imagine how long it would be if the 4th verse didn't get chopped ! About the whisky and lime thing ,well... I guess it just sang out that way. I don't expect people to take it literally and try to combine those together hence the disclaimer in the song .At the least you'd end up with one hell of a hangover , if not in the hospital . Although it's now a common practice of mine to order a shot with my beer ( illegal in CT ) , oops . Anyway, I'll try to tame this beast for the next time. It seems lile the listings would cycle around again although I've only been here less than a year.

[tedsingingfox]

THIS song comes in at 4:04?!?!?!?!? Man, that must COOK. I'll be eager to hear this when you're feeling like it's ready, JUST so I can hear you rattle this off!!

[jwebbinspired]

Wow, 4:04? I was guessing 6 minutes. Especially because Toby Keith doesn't tend to sing much over 130 in tempo. Even if you can bring it in at 4 minutes you're still a good 30 seconds more than the "acceptable commerical country length."I think you've got a lot of story in there....and it definitely needs to be shorter, but the good thing is you more or less have what you need right in front of you, just go in there just do some editing. I would try to turn Verse 1 and 2 into on the first verse and 3 and 4 into the second verse. If you're seeking a commerical cut I've found that you need to hug that 3 minute mark and generally follow the hit song structure is:Verse (4 lines is typical)Lift/Pre chorus (1 or 2 lines)Chorus (various)VerseLift/PrechorusChorusBridge (two lines)ChorusTake care and I want to hear a worktape too!Andy

[derekmcfarland]

A lot of clever lines here. I look forward to hearing it as well.I ditto the comment that the title may be confusing... seems like your hook is "I hope you have a drink with me." Should that be the title?If length is an issue (and I tend to agree with the other posters), you may try going right into the pre after V1 and skip V2.Great job, overall.Derek

[bigdaddy123]

Derek, I love the idea of chucking the the second verse. Brilliant! This will definately solve the length issue and it's probably the weakest part of the song lyrically anyway. It's funny that I could never think of a decent title but I think " Have a drink with me" is as good as any. This actually gives me incentive to do something with this, thanks for the advice! Regards,Greg