Treading Water

[tessbmusic]

I finished this song about six months ago and decided recently that it could be better. So I've been working on a revised version of the lyrics:

[verse 1]
It took a while to really hit the deck
Even then it still came rushing in
I've been up to my neck
Still feeling like such a wreck
Flooded and dark within

[bridge]
I thought that some kind soul might rescue me
Before the waves up and swallow me, whole

[chorus]
I've been floating on the tide for so long
Not even Treading Water
How am I supposed to swim?
A sea change happened in my head
And I don't hear the shore but,
Now I think about it
My own voice got louder.

[verse 2]
I know they mean well when they say to me
There's no choice but to sink or swim
But in reality
I'm drifting hopelessly
No need for you to rub it in


---


There's also been discussion over whether the first line of the chorus should be "I've been floating on a swell for so long" as opposed to "I've been floating on the tide..." ... Aaand it used to be "I've been floating on my back". Would be useful to know which people think is better.


Thank you!

- Tess

[ciskokidd]

Hi Tess,

My personal opinion is that you are taking the treading water metaphor too far. There is too much water related imagery where there needs to clarification and focus on the singular emotion. Currently all of the water imagery may be clever, but it is also distracting from the emotion of heartache you want to convey.

We don't want to pity the singer. We want to empathize with them. Make us feel the emotion the singer is going through.

Best,

Cisko

[tessbmusic]

Hi Tess,

My personal opinion is that you are taking the treading water metaphor too far. There is too much water related imagery where there needs to clarification and focus on the singular emotion. Currently all of the water imagery may be clever, but it is also distracting from the emotion of heartache you want to convey.

We don't want to pity the singer. We want to empathize with them. Make us feel the emotion the singer is going through.

Best,

Cisko

Hey Cisko, I made a few changes based on what you said and also influenced by some ideas 'simonsays' sent me. Not thought of any better ideas for the verses though:

[bridge]
I thought that some kind soul might rescue me
Before the dark has devoured me all

[chorus]
I've been floating on a swell for so long
Not even Treading Water
How am I supposed to swim?
I felt a shift in my head
Calling out in the din
Now I think about it
My own voice got louder.