First Draft--new Folk tune, comments please

[heinsite]

hi friends and acquaintances--here's my very rough first draft of a new folk songa few comments:--unfortunately it's all me, my crappy guitar, and my crappy vocal--both tracks will be reworked, builds added, etc. this is a true first draft--sorry for screwing up the 3rd verse (hell, maybe the entire song...it IS a rough draft--sorry for the chop up parts, read "rough draft" again...LOL--any comments welcome, especially on LYRICSCHORUSANYTHING BUT PRODUCTION, I KNOW IT'S CRAPPY (though it took an afternoon to "produce", and an hour for the lyrics and another for the "music"...--i have several changes already in the pike, etc.thank you for any time you can lend http://www.taximusic.com/download/20023 ... nt.mp3Just An AccidentVerse 1Broken windshield diamonds glisten in the sunOne cop jokes 'bout safety glass, the rookie just looks numbA chalk line in the pavement where they drew his final breathTraces one more story line. . .but this aint no movie setVerse 2She said he came from nowhere, from behind that Greyhound busHis face looked like a lunatic, and man how right she wasShe told the cop she tried to stop while she glanced up at the crowdShe fell down to her knees. . .she sobbed so very loudChorusNo lights on that county van, no wailing siren soundNo next of kin to notify, just a blanket as his shroudNo wasted words in mourning, not an extra second spentAfter all it was just an accidentAfter all he was just an accident(After all it was just an accident)Verse 3No preacher said last rights for him, 'cuz he had no rights at allHe left them with his needle in that dirty bathroom stallBut his wild ass smile had purpose, he knew it was his timeHe planned that mad dash perfectly. . .to never reach that center line

[jwebbinspired]

Heinsite, I love folk music. I prefer this type of music. I think you've got a gem here. The story really makes us think about jaded we've all become. From my quick listen I think your melody is quite good. The chorus and the verses sound distinctly different. And of course this is folk music, so it doens't need to meet the expectations of a commerical pop or country track. The lyrics are what makes this song great I think. I love your hook, it really makes you think. Andy

[heinsite]

hello andy!well thank you very much--thanks for putting up with the roughness of it at this point--and i was just stretching getting ready to walk the dog and damn if i wasn't thinking the same thing about the genre and the "separation" of verse/chorus.many thanks for the nice words, all the best,warren

[devin]

Great job Warren!!!! I really like this!It's a great style to sing this song too...an open genre where you can just focus on the message (Andy is so right!).Go man go!!!!

[heinsite]

damn devin (LOL...bet you've heard THAT before...)those are very kind words my friend, very kind....i'm going to let 'er sit for a day, then try to redo the entire tune, so it aint so rough--i wish the hell i could even STRUM a guitar properly, my lack of musicianship is killing me, and lack of even being able to bar chord--friggin left hand is killing me today from just the hour yesterday...don't get old...thank you again, all the best,warren

[devin]

Jan 13, 2009, 12:02pm, heinsite wrote:...don't get old...I have formally voiced a complaint about the who aging process to the higher powers. But instead of waiting around for the answer, I went for a nap instead. *shrugs*

[heinsite]

LOL...i'm sure you've got better connections then i do!!xoxowh

[erandall]

Hi I liked a lot of this! Some great lines. (See below...) However, I thought the idea of not reaching the center line, or not crossing the center line, or yellow line is hugely strong and different from "it (or he) was just and accident." IMHO, something about never making it across the center or yellow line would be a stronger chorus. I would like the "It was just, he was just an accident" in a verse.Verse 1Broken windshield diamonds glisten in the sun love this lineOne cop jokes 'bout safety glass, the rookie just looks numb and thisA chalk line in the pavement where they drew his final breath and this, too!Traces one more story line. . .but this aint no movie set I think the "ain't no movie set" is working too hard for a rhyme Verse 2She said he came from nowhere, from behind that Greyhound bus really good; very realHis face looked like a lunatic, and man how right she was: I think the editorial "how right she was" changes the toneShe told the cop she tried to stop while she glanced up at the crowdShe fell down to her knees. . .she sobbed so very loudChorusNo lights on that county van, no wailing siren soundNo next of kin to notify, just a blanket as his shroud: maybe a pre-chorus? or a bridge?No wasted words in mourning, not an extra second spentAfter all it was just an accidentAfter all he was just an accident(After all it was just an accident)Verse 3No preacher said last rights for him, 'cuz he had no rights at allHe left them with his needle in that dirty bathroom stallBut his wild ass smile had purpose, he knew it was his timeHe planned that mad dash perfectly. . .to never reach that center line: love this verse!Hope you're okay with my thoughts... Obviously, if you don't agree, just ignore them!Good luck. CHeers,EllenBTW I think this could be arranged and produced as country if you wanted more places to pitch it.

[questor]

hiensite,Nice tune...refreshing dark tale. Really enjoyed the lyrics and story.The chorus seems a bit of reach for your vocal style (I have the exact same problem, so I think we are probably related ). But overall, the vocals are quite good and the song fits your vocal style. Even the chorus sounds like it is within your grasp, you just might need to take a few more runs at it or try perhaps a harmony to soften the edge up and thicken the notes.Of course, just one man's opinion.Nice Job!,Q

[heinsite]

thank you Ellen--wow, a line by line critique! i'm very flattered. truly!well, honestly, all of this came out so damned fast, that on the "forced" thought, that is one of the lines that actually wasn't...LOL...my life story!! on the chalk line thing i thought immediately of my favorite CSI shows.... but i understand what you're saying, and appreciate the positives and the negatives... i'll be thinking about them, so THANK YOU very much...and on the C/W suggestion, yeah, maybe, but my record of c/w forwards is 2 for 1,000000000, and this is a bit too quirky in my opinion, but who knows? when i'm done i may be demo-ing this (it has to wait in line though...) hi quest man!hell, i NEVER sing my own tunes that i consider "finished" (not that anything ever is...LOL), nor play them--although you are correct that i CAN sing this tune and may end up doing it, because it just feels right--thank you for your thoughts, good luck with the damned BOSS!! ARGH!!!the best to all,warren