Wherever We Are

[tessbmusic]

Looking for some critique of this, to see if it might be improved. It's not necessarily for commercial use, I'm producing an album.

It's been suggested that the dog imagery isn't lyrical enough, and is a bit random... I'm not sure what I think of that. It's intentionally in juxtaposition with the boat imagery... I'm not sure if that's enough justification for it.

Anyway:

My love is a dog
I've been trying to train
But he won't learn
So he has to stay tied up

You spend your time
On a boat for two
But there's no room for me
And the hound can't swim

So when you come onto
Dry land
Just because you wanna hold
My hand
It stretches on the mooring line
That attaches you and it breaks my heart...

When you went away
This poor old pup
Started to howl at the open sea
And every day
When I wake up
I want you to be here wherever we are
Ok?

Lately you been starting to see
That you might have sprung a leak
But you love that old ship so much
And don't wanna see it sink

But when you're out at sea
You've gotta make your move
So when you look out at me
It's bound to make you stop and think

When you come onto
My land
Just because you wanna hold
My hand
It stretches on the mooring line
That attaches you and it breaks my heart...

When you went away
This poor old pup
Started to howl at the open sea
And every day
When I wake up
I want you to be here wherever we are
Ok?

[nick.moxsom]

Nice lyric, but I think I agree about the dog imagery. By far the stronger premise is the boat on the water, and the dog is, imo, an unnecessary distraction.

Could it work as "My love is a river/stream I've been trying to steer", perhaps, or something similar – the analogy being that a river meets the sea/lake at a given point, and whether or not that is within y/our control...? Being loose on a boat in water (water representing emotion in dreams) suggests you're open to where love takes you, but we all(?) feel a need to guide ourselves, and possible 'shape' our destiny.

Just my thoughts...

Nick

[simonsays]

Looking for some critique of this, to see if it might be improved. It's not necessarily for commercial use, I'm producing an album.

It's been suggested that the dog imagery isn't lyrical enough, and is a bit random... I'm not sure what I think of that.
Tess, I think I have to third that. (3rd = Me + Nick + original suggester ) It seemed to me you were intentionally avoiding rhyme in places. (especially in V1) Was that your intention Tess?



It's intentionally in juxtaposition with the boat imagery... I'm not sure if that's enough justification for it.
IMO mixed metaphors muddy lyrics. I think the two metaphors; "Love's a dog, and "love's a ship at sea" work against each other here. I however disagree with Nick. I think the "Love's a dog" premise is more original and has greater potential. And I think it's a good title to hang a song on. "Wherever we are" is a bit too wishy-washy for me. (ie, I don't know where it might go.) Love as an out of control animal interests me. We all like to be in control ... and IMO love is all about being out of control. I think that has to be the case when another person is added to the mix.
Anyway:

My (love's like?) a dog
I've been trying to train
But he won't (obey? learn )
So he has to stay (restrained? tied up )

You spend your time The (you) threw me here. After the earlier (my and I've) I thought it was another person at first, not like "one spends one's time".
On a boat for two
But there's no room for me If it's a "boat for two" ... then why is there not enough room for two?? (Ie, you and the metaphorical hound)
And the hound can't swim

So when you come onto
Dry land
Just because you wanna hold
My hand
It stretches on the mooring line Mooring lines hold boats to docks/shores. If that metaphorical boat approached you there ... it would slacken the line ... not stretch it.
That attaches you and it breaks my heart... Is the metaphorical line attached to your heart?

When you went away
This poor old pup Old pup. An interesting juxtaposition of images there Tess. Kind of like an 'old baby'. It made me pause. I'm not sure if that's bad or good though.
Started to howl at the open sea
And every day
When I wake up
I want you to be here wherever we are (Here) seems like a definite (ie, known place) and IMO doesn't seem to fit well with the vague "wherever we are".
Ok?

Lately you('ve suspected? been starting to see) If I 'see' a leak ... I know it's there. No might haves about it.
That you might have sprung a leak
(But) you love that old ship so much I like the assonance with (But, love , and much) ... but what does the but refer back to? I saw no line previous to this that touches on that concern.
And don't wanna see it sink

But when you're out at sea
You've gotta make your move
So when you look out at me How can he/she look out at you when you're still on land??
It's bound to make you stop and think

When you come onto
My land
Just because you wanna hold
My hand
It stretches on the mooring line
That attaches you and it breaks my heart...

When you went away
This poor old pup
Started to howl at the open sea
And every day
When I wake up
I want you to be here wherever we are
Ok?

Steve (aka, SimonSays)