White Carnations On the Bed

jchitty · Post by **jchitty** » Wed Sep 19, 2007 5:42 am

I wrote it with LeAnne Rimes in mind.....sort of a retro-Patsy Cline tune. Any thoughts on it would be appreciated. I'm thinking the words are okay, but that it has some melody (contrast) issues. Maybe add a bridge to break it up? Here are the words:How's your brand new girlfriendDid you buy her some pearl earringsDid you bring her flowers and chocolatesLike you used to bring to meAnd did you lay those white blooms on the coversTo give her a nice surpriseTell her she was your only loverAs you looked into her eyesPrechorus and chorusOh remembering all those times we hadMakes me wanna cryBut now it's time to forgive and forgetAnd get on with my life'Coz you don't love me anymoreMemories are all that's leftOf candy boxes on the tableAnd white carnations on the bedDid her eyes light up like mine did?If you flew her to CancunAnd do you drink champagne on lazy Sunday morningsOr rainy afternoonsAnd do you feed her chocolates one by oneOr ask her to wear pink laceRun your fingers gentlyAcross her pretty faceRepeat prechorus and chorusingHere's the link:http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.php?userid=2572

geo · Post by **geo** » Wed Sep 19, 2007 5:26 pm

Hey Chits, country's not my thing but I enjoyed your tune (so did my wife from the other room, liked your voice). The only comment I have is the "surprise" "eyes" rhyme is a little standard, but then again I've been getting that in other genres so I don't know how important it is here . Good track... Geo

jchitty · Post by **jchitty** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 2:53 am

Quote:Hey Chits, country's not my thing but I enjoyed your tune (so did my wife from the other room, liked your voice). The only comment I have is the "surprise" "eyes" rhyme is a little standard, but then again I've been getting that in other genres so I don't know how important it is here . Good track... GeoThanks, Geo, for the listen. Glad your wife enjoyed it. Hmmm, I didn't think about the 'surprise and eyes' thingy, but it's worth pondering...your feedback is appreciated!

johnhampt · Post by **johnhampt** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:06 am

I PM'd you about this song Chits...

squidlips · Post by **squidlips** » Sun Sep 23, 2007 3:49 pm

I love these lyrics......I think they cross over a couple of genres, chits.I think you're right about the chorus, though. It ain't right somehow. But the melody's great and so are the lyrics. Like I said, they'd crossover. Good singer!!

elser · Post by **elser** » Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:30 pm

I loved the vocal, is that you? For me the song needs more emphasis on the arrangement, different drum feels, introducing new instruments at the pre-chorus maybe to create interest and bring the listener in, maybe an instrumental hook at the chorus. I like the song, just needs some sandpaper and varnish.

deantaylor · Post by **deantaylor** » Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:06 pm

I'm thinking the words are okay, but that it has some melody (contrast) issues. Maybe add a bridge to break it upYes, I agree. Even within the verse, there could be more contrast, but especially between verse and pre/chorus.Dean

jchitty · Post by **jchitty** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 1:08 am

Squids, I couldn't agree more....the chorus isn't right for so many reasons....it just doesn't lift like it should, and the singer while great, pulled a few flat notes on this one....this may be a redemo, but it's not one of my best songs anyway.....athough it's got some potential. Elsner, no, LOL, I wish those were my vocals. I'll have to send you a song with my vocals.....I'm not a bad singer, but not a great one either....I can sound okay with a pitch corrector, but that's about it......just enough to do a demo if we couldn't find a professional singer for a song. New arrangement might be what's called for as you say.....hmm, the different drum feel might work. Yeah, Dean, this song has definite contrast issues...a TAXI screener also pointed this out as well and also suggested adding that bridge. I had a lot of high hopes for this song, but things just didn't come to fruition. It's something I'll keep on the drawing board. I've written over a hundred songs now, so I'm not too worried.....I may spend the funds on another song because this isn't my favorite anyway.Thanks so much for all you guys input!

hummingbird · Post by **hummingbird** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 4:05 pm

Hey Chitty- finally had a chance to catch up on this. Vocals & production are awesome & it has a nice groove. Melodically, I think you do need some more variety. One thing I note that the end of every couplet goes down melodically, even in the prechorus, where it should be lifting. I'd try contrasting...How's your brand new girlfriendDid you buy her some pearl earrings (down)Did you bring her flowers and chocolatesLike you used to bring to me (up)So I agree with your assessment that you need more melodic contrast between sections. In addition - assuming you're pitching this - you get to the hook too late. I like the imagery of white carnations on the bed, it's a good hook, I'm just not sure if you're using it as strongly as you might. I like the verses, and the kinda digging irony of it.hope that helps a littlecheersHummin'bird

squidlips · Post by **squidlips** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:30 pm

Yep, that's a good point. People sometimes forget they're singing words and that the words are part of actual conversational phrases. So a question should be lilted at the end, jes like real life when we ask someone something..........just to remind folks "hey, monologue here!"

White Carnations On the Bed

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