Working title " Is it Over?"

[carr]

And more polishing, cutting & rearranging .Ive added some questions at the end. Your opinions appreciated as well as a critique on the whole lyricIs it over? V5 © John WestwoodAPRA ch The sharpest blade cannot cut as deep as the lies when you speak, Broken cant describe the million pieces of a shattered dream v1 A shallow smile “Ill call you in a little while” The endless wait, nervous pacing a fatalistic state of mind v2 When I call , you cannot speak, Is there someone else to please you? Its hard to play the second string To give it all and not gain a thing br Cant you say it? cos I can feel it. Everyone I know can see the look thats in your eyes And there’s a certain kind of distance in the way you tell your truth Its as if the words you choose are some tainted alibi v Tumbling walls, never ending wars are nothing to me now, The show has just ended the orchestra has left the pit. Is that the end of it? ch The sharpest blade cannot cut as deep as the lies when you speak Broken cant describe the million pieces of a shattered dream Is it over? It needs a title Now Comment please. chorus b is now a verse Im not sure about the positioning of the bridge Change "when you speak" to "that you speak" It does alter the meaning slightly Fatalistic or desperate? Is there someone else to please you? or Is Someone else there to please you? ____________________ http://www.songramp.com/homepage.php?Who=carr

[hummingbird]

Hi - I'm going to give you my feedback on this lyric - I'll remind you that this is just my uneducated opinion and first reaction to the lines.Is it over? V5 © John WestwoodAPRA ch The sharpest blade cannot cut as deep as the lies when THAT you speak, (POV- talking to "her")Broken cant describe the million pieces of a shattered dream (unconnected to the last thought... where did "you" go?)i.e., you broke my dreams, into a million pieces... would be more grammatically logicalv1 A shallow smile (whose smile? - again, I'm thinking that the singer is talking to "you")“Ill call you in a little while” (who is "I"? in this instance, "I" is actually the "you" spoken of in the first verse.The endless wait, nervous pacinga fatalistic state of mind (who is waiting? "I/you" or the singer? ' who has a 'fatalistic state of mind' - I'm not sure if that works in a lyric (too poetic))v2 When I call , you cannot speak, (why not?)Is there someone else to please you? (non-conversational English... )Its hard to play the second string To give it all and not gain a thing (how are you playing the second string - it's a good idea, I call and you CAN'T TALK, why not - but you need to show us that part of the story)br Cant you say it? cos I can feel it. (can't "you" say what? what is the "IT"?)Everyone I know can see the look thats in your eyes And there’s a certain kind of distance in the way you tell your truth (is it truth? what is a "certain kind of distance" - it's unclear)Its as if the words you choose are some tainted alibi (this line doesn't work for me.)v Tumbling walls, never ending wars are nothing to me now, The show has just ended (what show?)the orchestra has left the pit. Is that the end of it?okay that's my general feedback.... so let me ask these questions:who is the "you" in this song? What is the relationship - you imply she's somewhere else - boyfriend/girlfriend? Why is she lying to you? If she doesn't care, then what is the point? Is she trying to screw you or is she trying to protect you? Was this an extra marital affair? If you know you're being lied to, why are you still there, waiting? The answers may be that you had a powerful relationship and you are still in love with her -- but where is that in the lyric? See what I'm saying? You need to tell us the story of the relationship in the "video" of your song that you "show" to us in word-based imagery. now.... I'm not going to rewrite your song.... but I'm going to pull out a couple phrases... because they are some of the lines that jump out at me... just off the top of my head, as an example of how you can rework thisthe (words) you (say)(as you walk away)(the) shallow smileda da da da-(...ile);a shattered dream (resting on my hands)da da da (...eam)da da da da (...ands)the sharpest blade cannot cut as deep as the lies you speakPlease don't be discouraged. As I said, this is just my opinion - and I do believe there is a song here! warmlyHummin'bird

[carr]

Thanks for taking the time Vicki,. The song is rhetorical. The singer /writer is thinking out loud.One doesnt speak lies,One tells lies. ...so Im pretty fixed on when. The style of "Broken cant" etc is good english. Its a common form of speech.Your comment on Please in V2 is valid .Ill fix that thanksJ

[walter327]

Hey, Carr.Depends on your state of mind as to the options you've come up with. But, from reading it (and not knowing the lady you're speaking of), I like desperate over fatalistic as desperate has that edge-Is she with someone else?!!- and the self-questioning that would cause. "Is someone else there to please you" is just more clear. "when you speak" or "that you speak" depends, are you thinking every time she speaks a lie falls over her lips, or "when" she's lying..... I really like the lyrics, though. Been there, and it helps people realize someone else has been there. Ya know, "Hey, I'm not alone in this hell I'm going through". I'd like to hear it.Walter327

[carr]

Thanks Walter,. You got the meaning in One... Vikki threw me for a loop..... Maybe it is a semantics thing. You know how Canadians are..*ducks for cover* J