Can I get some lyric advice please?

[CharlieErnst]

Hey Cass, that helps focus the idea immensely. Let me play around some more

Thanks

[cassmcentee]

[TimWalter]

I like the double use of the jigsaw meaning, but agree you can change it up, like in the bridge of the song using that analogy. ("cuts like a jigsaw sawing thru my heart"??)

I also agree with the idea of taking out the the final straw, it doesn't fit with the jigsaw puzzle (beings as it kind of a farming analogy the straw that broke the camel or other animals back, where as jigsaws are usually an indoor activity if that matters. at least that's how my mind works, but I could be an odd duck)

I'd think about something like "the final pc to the puzzle" lines to replace the final straw.

But im no means a pro lyricist, so use or discard.

Tim

[LittleRedChurch]

Everyone has great points.

I would second rd on the bit about bringing your second jigsaw inference later in the song. Cass has some cool suggestions.

Love to hear it with song. That's the real litmus test. IMO!!!

Graham

[coolhouse912]

I think Cass is pointing you in a good direction. I find the use of words like "broke" & "shattered" to be problematic since a jigsaw doesn't break things. It cuts them into pieces which are disassembled. The puzzle image is actually a unique metaphor & could be very strong if handled deftly.

This could be really cool. Keep at it.
Mike

[CharlieErnst]

Hey all, thanks for all of the input so far. Great ideas. Let me get to work on it. !

[Casey H]

Hi. I've been working on a song chorus and I was wondering if I could get some input. This is the chorus idea that I've one up with so far:

Like a jigsaw
You got me broke into pieces
Scattered all around me on the living room floor
But the last straw 
Was seeing how he pleases you
It shatters me and cuts right to the core 
Like a jigsaw


I'm using two metaphors (for jigsaw) at the same time. Will that be too confusing for the listener?

Thanks for the input.

I know a lot of people have already commented, Charlie. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure WHAT to say.

Don't take this as harsh but overall this chorus is unfocused and confusing. A chorus needs to be a clear summary-- an answer to what was introduced in the verse. The part about "Seeing how he pleases you" is in the wrong pronoun sense (Maybe "Seeing YOU with him, etc.) but it may not even belong in the chorus unless the point of the song is how she is with another guy as opposed to her just cutting him like a jigsaw.

If you use the jigsaw metaphor as a puzzle, then it usually implies something that can be put back together again. If you are talking about a saw, then you really need to focus on how she sliced through you like a jigsaw. Jigsaws cut, slice, etc... They don't "shatter".

This may not be the best example for your song, but sometimes I refer back to simple, effective songs of the past. For example, Madonna...

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

There is no doubt how she is using the "virgin" metaphor.

My suggestion is to think about what the song's story and message are and go for something much clearer in the chorus. Yes, use a metaphor but if you get too cutesy people won't get it.

Best of luck!
Casey