Can I get some lyric advice please?

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bombaycharlie
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Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by bombaycharlie » Thu Jul 11, 2013 12:44 pm

Hi. I've been working on a song chorus and I was wondering if I could get some input. This is the chorus idea that I've one up with so far:

Like a jigsaw
You got me broke into pieces
Scattered all around me on the living room floor
But the last straw 
Was seeing how he pleases you
It shatters me and cuts right to the core 
Like a jigsaw


I'm using two metaphors (for jigsaw) at the same time. Will that be too confusing for the listener?

Thanks for the input.
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Casey H
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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by Casey H » Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:04 pm

Did you mean "jigsaw" to be a jigsaw puzzle or an actual saw here?

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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by bombaycharlie » Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:37 pm

Hey Casey. The first half I meant puzzle and the second half is the saw , the fact that you questioned that tells me that it's confusing.

Thanks
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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by NathanNasby » Thu Jul 11, 2013 9:17 pm

I didn't get it until Casey asked his question :)! Yes, I found it a bit confusing to mix 2 different objects of the same name in a single metaphor.
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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by mikeymike2000 » Thu Jul 11, 2013 9:18 pm

Hi Charlie,

I don't claim to be a good lyricist but I like this chorus and it made sense to me.

I also like the double meaning, I think it is creatively artistic. :)

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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by bombaycharlie » Fri Jul 12, 2013 4:44 am

Thanks for the feedback. I'll keep plugging away at it.
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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by emilyfra » Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:03 am

One point though - a jigsaw arrives broken up and then gets put together.

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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by bombaycharlie » Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:10 am

emilyfra wrote:One point though - a jigsaw arrives broken up and then gets put together.
Hmm...hadn't thought of that. Great point!
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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by rdance » Fri Jul 12, 2013 7:25 am

nice images. i would only use the second jigsaw metaphor later in another verse or chorus, as a dynamic change in the story. drill the first image in first.

minor thing: maybe take out "me" in "scattered all around me on the living room floor"...because in the prior line you likened *yourself* to a jigsaw. so you wouldn't be scattered around *me* (yourself), you'd just be scattered around.

now i'm scattered. :mrgreen:

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Re: Can I get some lyric advice please?

Post by cassmcentee » Fri Jul 12, 2013 10:25 am

(Like a) I'm a jigsaw
(You got me broke) Cut into pieces
(all around me )Scattered on the living room floor
(But) The last straw (I would find something better here... hmmm)
(Was how )Is seeing he pleases you
(It )Shatters me
(right )Cuts to the core
I'm a jigsaw

(The colored words would be omitted)
This has me thinking that less alows more space for emotional phrasing, the second line alows the double entendre.
Scattered could be "Shavings"
"The Last Straw" having a hard time with a substitute for that one...

Hope this helps!
Cass

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