Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

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Casey H
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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by Casey H » Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:43 am

singer1 wrote:Hey Casey, see what you think of my rewrite; some of your suggestions you WILL hear. Thanks, D.B.

Heal Your Pain

Words were spoken, feelings crushed
I'm now sure, just how much
Now that he's shown you to the door
Let me show you, again you will soar

Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain

He let you down and you wonder why
It's time to pack those bags, don't cry
I'd like to say, you make me smile
Why don't you stay for longer than just a while

Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain ( let me ease your pain)
Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal, your pain

... the only race we're in, is the human race...
http://www.taxi.com/davebradley
Hey Dave
Getting better.... Some more thoughts...

Words were spoken, feelings crushed
It might be better to open with more clarity as to who spoke to whom... If he told her it's over, just say it.

Let me show you, again you will soar
Maybe think of something more like normal conversation? I doubt anyone would talk like that.

It's time to pack those bags, don't cry
Not sure I get this. Pack bags to go from where to where? In v1 her guy "showed her the door"...

I'd like to say, you make me smile
The words "I'd like to say" buy you nothing... Maybe more like "Don't you know how much you make me smile".... Go more powerful like what a woman would want to hear.

Minor nit.... In v1 you have an AABB rhyme pattern and it v2 it's AAAA.

Overall, I think you should focus more on clarity of WHAT you want to say and work on exact phrases and rhymes second. It feels like you are letting the rhymes drive your lines instead of the story. Pretend it's an outline for a high school English paper and you have to express what you are going to say in each of your paragraphs.

In this song, for example (not exact, brainstorming):

Verse 1: Introduce that this other guy left her and hurt her.
Verse 2: Explain how much you love her, etc

And remember, my opinion is just one... I don't claim to be the end all and be all expert... :ugeek:

Good luck!
:) Casey

singer1
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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:49 pm

I posted two responses yesterday that seem to have vanished. 1st, thanks Casey for some of his ideas which added something to this song. By the way it's : " Heal Your Pain"- 3/4/11 mix. I wrote out the lyrical changes as:

Words were spoken, feelings crushed
I'm now sure, um, just how much
Now that he's shown you to the door
Let me tell you, again you will soar

Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
( don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain

He let you down and you wonder why
It's time to pack those bags, don't cry
I'd like to say, you make me smile
Why don't you stay, for longer than just a while

Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
( don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain ( let me ease your pain)
( don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal, your pain

The mix is on my taxi page; Dean, Casey, & others, thank you. D.B.

... the only race we're in, is the human race... D.B.
www.taxi.com/davebradley

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:55 pm

Then he posts, & there it is... D.B.

www'taxi.com/davebradley

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by deantaylor » Tue Mar 08, 2011 3:18 am

Hey David,

It's better. Here are the lines I still think need work .. to make it more conversational:

Words were spoken, feelings crushed
I'm now sure, um, just how much .............. maybe more like "I finally realized just how much"
Now that he's shown you to the door
Let me tell you, again you will soar ............ again you will soar is not very conversational .. 'it's time for you to soar'??

He let you down and you wonder why
It's time to pack those bags, don't cry ....... i'm fine with this line .. easy enough for me to understand
I'd like to say, you make me smile
Why don't you stay, for longer than just a while
... for longer than just a while is a bit clumsy .. something like 'for more than just a little while' would be better

Of course, you need to fit it to your melody. I know.

Dean
"Riding Gravity" album from my band, Mad July
Nominee: Best Alternative Song, Best Female Vocal
2013 Hollywood Music In Media Awards
http://madjuly.bandcamp.com
http://facebook.com/WeAreMadJuly
https://itunes.apple.com/album/id711437961

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Wed Mar 09, 2011 2:49 pm

Hey Dean, working the final glitches out; will repost song soon. D.B.

... the only race we're in, is the human race...
www.taxi.com/davebradley

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