Hey Davesinger1 wrote:Hey Casey, see what you think of my rewrite; some of your suggestions you WILL hear. Thanks, D.B.
Heal Your Pain
Words were spoken, feelings crushed
I'm now sure, just how much
Now that he's shown you to the door
Let me show you, again you will soar
Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain
He let you down and you wonder why
It's time to pack those bags, don't cry
I'd like to say, you make me smile
Why don't you stay for longer than just a while
Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal your pain ( let me ease your pain)
Let me heal your pain ( why resist and why complain)
(don't fight it, don't fight it...)
Let me heal, your pain
... the only race we're in, is the human race...
http://www.taxi.com/davebradley
Getting better.... Some more thoughts...
Words were spoken, feelings crushed
It might be better to open with more clarity as to who spoke to whom... If he told her it's over, just say it.
Let me show you, again you will soar
Maybe think of something more like normal conversation? I doubt anyone would talk like that.
It's time to pack those bags, don't cry
Not sure I get this. Pack bags to go from where to where? In v1 her guy "showed her the door"...
I'd like to say, you make me smile
The words "I'd like to say" buy you nothing... Maybe more like "Don't you know how much you make me smile".... Go more powerful like what a woman would want to hear.
Minor nit.... In v1 you have an AABB rhyme pattern and it v2 it's AAAA.
Overall, I think you should focus more on clarity of WHAT you want to say and work on exact phrases and rhymes second. It feels like you are letting the rhymes drive your lines instead of the story. Pretend it's an outline for a high school English paper and you have to express what you are going to say in each of your paragraphs.
In this song, for example (not exact, brainstorming):
Verse 1: Introduce that this other guy left her and hurt her.
Verse 2: Explain how much you love her, etc
And remember, my opinion is just one... I don't claim to be the end all and be all expert...

Good luck!
