Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

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singer1
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Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Wed Feb 23, 2011 2:42 pm

Got a track here that I've redone with a completely new melody line for the chorus to give it "that Big Hook" . The song is called "Heal Your Pain". There is a reg. version and 'new mix' version. Lyrics are as follows:
Word are spoken, feelings crushed
I'm not sure, just how much
And we can see that distant shore
Let me tell you, of this and more

Let me heal your pain - (why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

I feel my heart, it opens wide
Let me show you, I'm your guide
time it travel or stands still
Life sometimes, is a treadmill

Let me heal your pain - (why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain - (let me ease your pain)
Let me heal your pain - (why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

Looking for what you all think this genre is; any input appreciated. D.B.
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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by thokus » Wed Feb 23, 2011 8:59 pm

Hey dave .. I'm not a lyrics kind of guy so I won't comment on that but I think I like the mix better on the "UN" new mix version. The new mix seemed kinda muffled on my headphones ... Couls be just me . I'm deaf in one ear so take it with a grain of salt.. Nice song though .. You have a really good voice . . Genre - seems a little "Pop" maybe .. im not sure .. It's tough to Catogorize songs ..
Tom

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:05 am

I've made some changes. Check out the track now. Sang the 2nd half over again; more energy in the performance. D.B.

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by thokus » Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:30 pm

Hey Dave, thats better .. The new Mix Track... The other one now seems to tinny or treble-y..My ear keeps Changin .. Good job though .. Way to go
Tom

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by deantaylor » Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:13 am

Hey Dave,

I really like the singing.

Lyric is pretty cliche though, I think you need a lyric re-write.

Dean
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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by cardell » Sat Feb 26, 2011 7:24 am

deantaylor wrote:Hey Dave,

I really like the singing.

Lyric is pretty cliche though, I think you need a lyric re-write.

Dean
Yes, I agree with Dean. :)

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by Casey H » Sat Feb 26, 2011 9:10 am

I think the key would be to put a little bit of background story in the verses to support the chorus idea. The "let me heal your pain" hook, though a little cliche, still is one of those phrases that fits film/TV scenes. You just don't want the verses to be nothing but some cliches tossed together.

My first thought (very 'off the top of my head') is to aim for for a motivational classic maybe like Dobie Grey's "Drift Away" or Bill Whiter's "Lean On Me". Sometimes songs like that are ageless and timeless.

Good luck!
:) Casey
Last edited by Casey H on Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:32 am

Ask and you shall receive! Here is the 1st re-write. D.B.

Words are spoken, feelings crushed
I'm not sure just how much
As he pushed you through that door
Let me show you, how you will soar

Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

He let you down, you wonder why
Can I tell you, that you make me smile
Time to spread your wings and fly
Picture this - just you and I

Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain ( let me ease your pain)
Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

It hasn't been sung as of yet; want to feel good about the lyrics BEFORE I SING THEM. D.B.

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by Casey H » Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:24 am

singer1 wrote:Ask and you shall receive! Here is the 1st re-write. D.B.

Words are spoken, feelings crushed
I'm not sure just how much
As he pushed you through that door
Let me show you, how you will soar

Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

He let you down, you wonder why
Can I tell you, that you make me smile
Time to spread your wings and fly
Picture this - just you and I

Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain ( let me ease your pain)
Let me heal your pain ( why protest and why complain)
Let me heal your pain

It hasn't been sung as of yet; want to feel good about the lyrics BEFORE I SING THEM. D.B.
Hi DB
One thing I suggest is you try to tell the story with fewer cliche lines and rhymes. Ask yourself, "Have I heard these lines and rhymes a million times before?". Also think about whether your lyrics come off like normal conversation and make sense that way. Tense should be consistent and/or logical as far was past, present, and future.

Words are spoken, feelings crushed (Present tense with 'are'?)
I'm not sure just how much

As he pushed you through that door (These two lines don't make grammatical sense, tense-wise)
Let me show you, how you will soar

The chorus backing lyrics "Why protest and why complain" MIGHT be better with a slightly more conversational thing--- "Why FIGHT IT", for example. That would probably be more like what someone would normally say than "protest". I'd probably go for something without the "why complain" there too... not sure exact words but something more like the "why resist me?" or "why resist my ____?" ...

The music is very pretty. There is potential definitely. :D

Sometimes it's good to not write lyrics first but to write in prose the story elements you want to tell. What do you want to say in V1? What do you want to say in V2? And so on... Then look for unique but not TOO abstract ways to say those things.

Keep working it!
:) Casey

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Re: Gentlemen, sharpen those pencils...

Post by singer1 » Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:23 am

Thanks Casey, Dean said you were one of the ones to chat up about lyrics. You've pointed out some things that I would have never paid attention to! Awesome!!! I'll be working on this one today. I'll post re-write at that point; maybe PM you. D.B.

P.S.- Thanks Dean!!

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