Help on a TAXI collab

[jchitty]

Hey Dean and Bob, thanks for chiming in....these ideas of yours are all good food for thought......I'm taking all this in. And Bob, I like the word 'flame.' Thanks for the comments on my voice.

[arkjack]

I would play with some reversals. First, I think the lift you use in the melody of the verse would be more effective as a chorus, and the chorus melody is a good base for the verse, with the opportunity to change up some directions and rhythms. Second, I feel like the line in the chorus should be the other way around,... When no one else believes.... You gotta believe...... When no one else can see, You gotta have the vision.... Theres 2Cents...ArkJack

[sgs4u]

Nice idea, thanks Ark!Quote:I would play with some reversals. First, I think the lift you use in the melody of the verse would be more effective as a chorus, and the chorus melody is a good base for the verse, with the opportunity to change up some directions and rhythms. Second, I feel like the line in the chorus should be the other way around,... When no one else believes.... You gotta believe...... When no one else can see, You gotta have the vision.... Theres 2Cents...ArkJack

[lopc]

Hey Chitts and Steve Gilbert,The title of the song works well. You guys might want to consider working it a little harder as a hook. Sometimes just repeating it twice in a chorus doesn't really pull it off. The flow of the lyric is consistent throughout and doesn't stray far from the intent. In other words, it moves in the right direction......doesn't look back, doesn't stop. I'm learning this is the one most important structure of a work. This observation is not intended to imply the lyric doesn't need minor improvement. "Minor" being the key word. Meaning- Don't let the impression that it may sound dated to you force you to rape the original. Just tweak the original. You guys show enough talent to pull it off with the extra effort.I have some lyric change ideas, but I'm not sure they will improve what is written, so I'll keep them to myself. One suggestion, you may want to lose the last two lines of the chorus, they don't fit and take away from the piece.Later.

[Casey H]

HiNice work SAG and Chits. And Chits, you have a very nice voice. I found this to be very pretty and Chits your lyrics are always well done. I didn't get into the fine details of the lyrics because the thing that struck me right away was there wasn't a chorus that stood out musically. I think you need more differentiation. For example, the cadence of the chorus is similar to the verses. The first thing that screeners and A&R listen for is that hook. You know the old rule: If you have to look at the lyric sheet to figure out what the chorus is, it isn't ready.I do think this is an excellent start and I hope you guys don't scrap it. As far as the target market-- Some might disagree, but I say write a really good song first and see where it takes you.Keep at it with this one!Warmest, Casey

[jchitty]

Thanks so much to Arkjack, Casey and LOPC for all your thoughts and suggestions.....they are appreciated. This thread has been very productive. There seems to be a general consensus emerging about this song. It's like when you receive lots of differing critiques.....you usually go with the 'same' theme that stands out overall......what you need to fix about the song.Here's what I'm getting....Casey, like Tim W. and Elser have pointed out that the verse and chorus sections need more contrast. Casey is right here....we need to think about that melody line....maybe even add a bridge for more contrast.Most of you also think we should keep the original wording with only a few minor changes. Dean Taylor's thoughts actually mirrored some of our own about the 'dated phrases', and I'm grateful that he chimed in. His advice was really mulled over by me. But then he went on to say that if we're pitching this to American Idol, most of the words are probably keepers.I really liked LOPC's statement, "don't rape the original.' I do like the last two lines of the chorus though, hehe....that might be a keeper, but it's just my personal preference. One of my favorite suggestions came from Arkjack. I think AJ's thoughts about flipping the lines in the chorus created a whole new life for it. We worried that we used the lines' believe' too much, but actually, flipping the lines would make it sound less repetitious.These are just my thoughts....don't know where the final product will go, but again, thanks everyone!