I need some help

Songwriting, songwriters, etc

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jchitty
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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Fri May 25, 2007 4:08 pm

Quote:Speaking as a father, the 1st part of the chorus lyric hit me in a dull, wet kind of blanket, sort of way. The song and a daughter lines sounded like acquired possessions,(like the green house) rather than relationhship/family stuff. AND the song is all about the strength and bond of a long-term relationship. Not mentioning the kids other than that one line, seemed to be like writing a pick-up truck into a country song, just so you hit all the bases. Maybe using something else, more possesion like, would be stronger. It caught me off guard, like a movie with surprise characters that didn't add to the story.Now when I read about Charlene making all those meals, I lost it(meaning I teared up). But I would have no matter what that other line was. I found the lyric to be very moving, from then on. But again, when the chorus showed up, the song felt diluted to me, because of that line. The second part of the chorus(or whatever you call it), is really nice imagery. made me hungry. You see, I've only had red beans and rice once or twice.Quote:And Charlene knew she was fading fastSo she walked into the kitchenAnd cooked her lastSpecial chili and red beans and riceSpaghetti sauce and potatoes baked twiceFroze thirty future suppers for old Lem Jones How you end the line on LAST. Is different and COOL. the word "future" looks clunky somehow. Maybe "perfect" would be more about the situation. it's the same kinda vowel sound as thirty, and might sound nicer. But that whole last line, ought to be quite a payoff, and it's not quite there. As far as the marketability is concerned, the song is poignant, but it is about the DEATH, of a loved one. I'd like to be wrong, but I just can't imagine anyone covering the tune on the radio because of that.You know, Chits, I welcome your opinions on anything I have recorded! Mr. Steve, your thoughts are always appreciated. We'll get back to the 'death' thingy. I've always had concerns that this song would not come across as intended. I meant it more as a tribute to Lem and Charlene's love, about how such a beautiful love can extend beyond the grave....sort of that 'love is eternal and never dies' thing. The line about Lem 'says a prayer and lifts a glass to his wife' is Lem actually acknowledging that even though Charlene is gone, he is very touched by her l'ast gift' because to him it signifies how much she loved him, how selfless she was to think of how he would be when she was gone. But you have a good point in that...when you're dealing with songs involving death, it might be a hard sell....people might be more depressed with this song then uplifted.Anyway, thanks for all your good input....I like getting different perceptions...it helps me to understand what people are seeing in the song and what they are not seeing with it....and it's ultimately up to the songwriter to make the song clear to the listener...this is why I wanted you guy's input.

jchitty
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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Fri May 25, 2007 4:16 pm

Quote:Quote: Your Song's Marketability? Whatever the reason the song sounds a bit dated ( Kinda 80's- early 90's). The nice part about the film/TV market is quite often songs do not have to be current sounding. More important can be whether or not the song is very recognizable as if from a particular decade. Requests are out there all the time for songs from all eras. A movie might be set in the 70's and they want a song to be playing on a car radio in a scene. In that case, one of the main criteria is, "Does this sound like it could have been on the radio in 1972?" For artist song pitches, sounding dated can be an issue. Sometimes that can even be a good argument against over-producing a demo. But the world of film/TV is wide open.BTW, Chits... I don't know if this sounds dated at all. I'm not close enough to country music to say... But don't worry if it does... CaseyAnd finally, last but not least, the Casinator. I've left a million responses here only 'coz all you guys took the time to leave such helpful comments. Hope I didn't clutter the thread too much. This could be pitchable to film and TV...that's a thought. Of course, we need someone like Will Gear (wasn't he that Walton grandpa guy?) to play the part, and I think he's long gone....passed away in the 90's I believe. Now....see here's a part where the 'young and hot' need not apply! Thanks once again for all these well considered responses. If I have lots of errors in my posts, it's because I've been driving all day, and I'm now going to bed....very sleepy here.

chitownjerry
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Re: I need some help

Post by chitownjerry » Tue May 29, 2007 4:44 am

Chits,I liked the music.. very catchy.. nice melody and good chorus.. and it's a very well produced recording. (love the fiddle!)The words, however, really made me feel like it was a parody of classic country music cliches. (all it needs is the word "lonesome" and a reference to a "train whistle") Sorry.. but that's what I felt..However.. since I am not a big country fan/listener, take what I say with a big grain of salt!thanks for sharing!JerryP.S. Did you know a cheap pair of headphones or earbuds will plug into your laptop and work very nicely?

jchitty
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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Tue May 29, 2007 7:19 am

Quote:Chits,I liked the music.. very catchy.. nice melody and good chorus.. and it's a very well produced recording. (love the fiddle!)The words, however, really made me feel like it was a parody of classic country music cliches. (all it needs is the word "lonesome" and a reference to a "train whistle") Sorry.. but that's what I felt..However.. since I am not a big country fan/listener, take what I say with a big grain of salt!thanks for sharing!JerryP.S. Did you know a cheap pair of headphones or earbuds will plug into your laptop and work very nicely?LOL, Jerry....I got some train and prison songs if you want 'em too. Don't worry, I do take everything with a grain of salt. I appreciate all critiques here....you took the time to give me your thoughts about the song. Everyone has different opinions about the song, and it's interesting to see everyone's perspective concerning it. The music biz is tough, so if you can't take people's suggestions or thoughts about something, than I guess you're in the wrong place.I have been toying with rewriting some of the lyrics, but right now, I wouldn't know where to start....but I take in everyone's suggestion, and it does give me food for thought.Anyway, once again, much appreciated! I have used my earphones to listen to songs, but my computer is very slow and I'm on dialup, so songs can come out in broken syllables, but I do try to listen as best as I can if someone PMs me one of their songs. Can't do a whole lot of critiquing, but some.

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