I need some help

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jchitty
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I need some help

Post by jchitty » Thu May 24, 2007 2:29 am

Sometimes, I feel bad asking for help because the speakers on my laptop have been broken and I can't listen to other people's songs...I have to use plug in speakers.....so I can't critique other people's music as well as I'd like to. This is why I don't ask for many critiques. But I'm planning on buying a new laptop come fall so that I can remedy this. But if anyone would like to help me with this song, it would be greatly appreciated. I really need some critiques. This song is VERY country and very Nashville oriented, so if you don't like country, this may not be your cup 'o tea. Even if you don't like country, and want to take a shot at the song, brutal or good critiques welcomed. This is Larry Beaird produced demo...so I think he did a very good job engineering wise....I'm looking mainly for a critique of flaws the song could have. What I'd be wanting to know is:1. Does the story line move you in any way, and can you identify with the characters? Is the story line cohesive?2. How about the music and the lyrics?3. Do you think this song has good marketability?Here is the link to my TAXI page, the song is called "Old Lem Jones." My page isn't really up and running yet, and I only have that one song listed, so folks have to scroll down to it.http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.p ... d=2572Here are the lyrics as well:OLD LEM JONESOld Lem JonesMisses CharleneThey had a son and a daughterAnd a house painted greenAnd Charlene JonesTook sick this JulyThey didn't give her much timeBut she put up a fightAnd Charlene knew she was fading fastSo she walked into the kitchenAnd cooked her lastSpecial chili and red beans and riceSpaghetti sauce and potatoes baked twiceFroze thirty future suppers for old Lem JonesLem sets the table Off in the breakfast nookHe thinks of Charlene's last giftAnd the love that it tookHe tosses a dinnerIn the microwaveHe knew that Charlene likes daisiesSo he hunts for a vaseAnd he wishes he could see her pretty faceAfter forty eight years Death couldn't eraseThe gleam in her eyes and her funny smirkThe way she whistled when she workedAnd she lives and breathes In the memory of Old Lem JonesAnd Lem eyes his fork and his knifeSays a prayer and lifts a glass to his wifeOld Lem JonesMisses CharleneThey has a son and a daughterAnd a house painted greenAnd Charlene JonesTook sick this JulyThey didn't give her much timeBut she put up a fightAnd Charlene knew she was fading fastSo she walked into the kitchen and cooked her lastSpecial chili and red beans and riceSpaghetti sauce and potatoes baked twiceFrose thirty future suppers for Old Lem JonesLem JonesOld Lem Jones

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Re: I need some help

Post by mikehelms » Thu May 24, 2007 3:25 am

Hey Chit's,I just wondered are you as Purrty as your sangin voice is... Cause that would make you... Allison,? Maybe not' (I'd have to ask Hook's) ok how about Lindsey then... !Oh... In stead of "potatoes" how about 'Tators' it sounded like the Po was a little rushed.. Michael

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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Thu May 24, 2007 3:29 am

Thanks, Mike. But that's not my voice....wish it was though! Hey, thanks for your thoughts about the 'potatoes' line....every thought is welcomed when it comes to this song!

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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Thu May 24, 2007 3:41 am

Quote:I can't get the song to play right now. The lyrics told a touching story. I enjoyed reading through them. I can't comment on marketability since I don't have experience with country. I'll try to check back and listen to the song.Many thanks, songwriter. I was wondering about the lyrics issues and if the storyline was cohesive....looks like you 'got the song and storyline.' These are the kind of comments I'm looking for in that they address certain issues.

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Re: I need some help

Post by arkjack » Thu May 24, 2007 6:45 am

I like the song overall. I think its a very good song, but you're looking for ideas.... so ..... I think melodically it has a nice lift to the second section. I'd experiment some more with the two pre verse lines melodically.The one idea comes to mind is the story could take a path that adds a happy ending twist..... Charlene took ill, made 30 frozen suppers for Old Lem..... The second half of the song repeats that. Consider instead, that Lem is also old, and that Charlene misses Lem.... so that come September 1, Lem takes sick, eats the thirty dinners, and joins Charlene..... In effect, Charlene made exactly 30 dinners, cause that's all Lem would need,..... she cooked HIS last..I don't know if that starts to introduce too many ideas for the "average listener" to grasp... I get the feeling Nashville likes to keep things simple..... Also in that context.... the son and daughter and house painted green... does that add anything to the story line, or could a more cohesive image related to their age, love, simplicity.... be written in...? There might be some other lines that if you take them out the song doesn't suffer, and might be replaceable with better line...... That ought to keep you busy for a week.....Best regards,ArkJack

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Re: I need some help

Post by arkjack » Thu May 24, 2007 6:48 am

By the way, the standard disclaimer under the code section I (B) (2) (u) (r) 6 - c applies..... I probably have no f***ing idea what the heck I'm talking about....ArkJack

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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Thu May 24, 2007 7:08 am

Quote:By the way, the standard disclaimer under the code section I (B) (2) (u) (r) 6 - c applies..... I probably have no f***ing idea what the heck I'm talking about....ArkJackLOL, AJ, thanks so much for your critique. I really appreciate it. Once again, your kind of post is helpful to me. It answered some questions I had.....mainly, are the lyrics a bit confusing....could the story go another way? It's good to get different perspectives. I got a critique back on 'Old Lem Jones' today, btw, and I wanted to see if screener's comments matched some of the comments here. The screener did make one comment that matched yours.....the comment about 'where do the green house and the son and daughter fit into the song?" While they didn't come up with your ending, you ending would be something to think about. When it came to the 'house painted green and son and daughter" lyrics, those lyrics were meant more as a celebration of Lem and Charlene's life together, but I see what you're saying, it could be said another way (could be said in a more cohesive way)....it's a subjective thingy, I guess. As far as melody issues, that's something to explore. Always nice to get feedback from you folks! Chits

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Re: I need some help

Post by Casey H » Thu May 24, 2007 7:47 am

I read the lyrics and I think they tell a story just fine... I'll have to go and listen to the song later... But there is nothing wrong with the storyline of the song and I think they are excellent. For some reason, as soon as I read "and a house painted green" I thought of Joni Mitchell and her use of imagery... So don't sweat it, you are in very good company!! Casey

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Re: I need some help

Post by jchitty » Thu May 24, 2007 8:02 am

Thanks for the nice words, Casey! It's good to know that everyone is getting the story line....even though some folks might suggest a different direction for the story. Your comments are helpful to me. Joni Mitchell, ah, one of the best.

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Re: I need some help

Post by arkjack » Thu May 24, 2007 9:29 am

I'm just throwing some ideas in the pot.... the tribute line could be more clear as in... raised successful children, out on their own.... a green house of memories of raising them.... the green house is empty now, cause its just Lem..... another thing I've been doing is taking a strong line or two from a song and making a whole new song out of it.... song about the same thing, but different melody and chords and borrowing lines from different tunes..... A recent example of it is on my Taxi page... new song.... Make her love me.... old song... Ramblin Road... if you get your speakers working.......ArkJack

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