I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

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kimm336
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I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by kimm336 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 10:15 am

WE ARE CONNECTED
(Response to COVID 19)
Kim Moyer ©2020


VERSE:
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there


CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.

VERSE: Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land





CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.


BRIDGE:
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you

CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.

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funsongs
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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by funsongs » Fri Apr 17, 2020 10:44 am

Howdy...
without changing any lyrics... only switching lines 2 & 3 (just for experiment sake)
changes the rhyme to ABAB, for Verses & Choruses...
but leave the Bridge as-is...
wuddyathink? Cheers, Peter
-----------------------------------------------------------
Verse 1)
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there

Chorus)
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.

Verse 2)
Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land

rePete Chorus)

Bridge)
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you

rePete Chorus)
Tag & Out
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill

“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by kimm336 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 2:32 pm

I love the changes! Thanks for your input.

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by cosmicdolphin » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:28 pm

Hard to say without knowing what style of sing it is, I'd probably lose the line about God as not everyone has those kinds of beliefs and it may put it out of the running for a placement opportunity or put it in a very narrow niche.

Overall I find it a bit ' on the nose ' ..don't know if that's a saying around your parts but it tends to mean it's all quite literal / lacking any subtlety or nuance. It's just a laundry list of platitudes..i.e there's no story or hook to pull you in.

Who are the characters in the song, why should we care about them ?

I'm sure lots of folks are writing sings like this at the moment so what will make your's stand out ?

Mark

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by kimm336 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:10 pm

Thanks for the input. I may replace God with time. Its a pop song---to express general caring for each other in a crisis.

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by funsongs » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:55 pm

kimm336 wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 2:32 pm
I love the changes! Thanks for your input.
I sent you a PM (private message) if this feature is new to you - you should see a notification show up in your email INBOX.
Cheers.
Peter
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill

“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by Patrick » Fri Apr 17, 2020 6:01 pm

I'd really love to hear a version of this. I think you are pushing all of the right buttons! :)

I'd ditch the 'God' reference as well and re-write it as...

"Let's all join together to heal our land"

Something in that vein.

Strong work! See it through! :)
Bad art can make you laugh
Good art can make you think
Great art can destroy you

- Me

(Did he just quote himself?? Yes! Yes I did!)

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by kimm336 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 12:00 am

Thanks!

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by cosmicdolphin » Sat Apr 18, 2020 2:09 am

kimm336 wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:10 pm
Thanks for the input. I may replace God with time. Its a pop song---to express general caring for each other in a crisis.
Hi Kim

It doesn't read like a Pop song as they tend to have shorter phrasing , more repetition ( hooks ) and different subject matter. i.e. they skew younger lyrically

On the page It comes across more like Country or AOR ...something more middle of the road. For Example https://david-ford.bandcamp.com/track/6-feet-apart

Mark

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Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo

Post by kimm336 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 6:43 am

Thanks for your help

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