If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

[nomiyah]

Aub,Overall, this is another good song. I like your style.I like the new version much better, some good lyrical rewrites and production.The first verse has some lines that are a little hard to sing. Maybe you could take out some syllables, for example:“I see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou’d save me from myselfLike you're meant to beA Messiah for my needsBut there's not a lot of me worth saving”Personally, I like “Cause I'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I am”It’s so unusual to hear this in a song, it immediately becomes memorable. It’s the kind of weird line you hear kids singing to themselves in an urban middle school (as disturbing as that may be to us parents). Also there is that cool internal rhyme of freak and weak that emphasizes the central emotional state of this guy. I really like verse 2. It carries the them to a new level and twists it. ”Stop asking me whyI am so quiet”continues the story of the woman who is trying to get involved with him, she is questioning him because she is trying to save him from himself.”My Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say it”points to how he got to be so unable to be intimate.Like the changes in 3rd verse. I don’t know what you think of this, but it might give the song a little extra depth if there was a hint of something positive in the last verse? For example, show he has some ability to feel her love or at least wish he could let himself feel it.I really like the contrast in your sections. Great production work!!!! I keep wanting to hear a little more edge and I think a lead guitar would help, a distorted metal sound, restrained in verses and raging in the chorus. I like the synth line melodically but think a guitar would help give it edge. The other thing that might make it a little harder sounding is on the chorus to let your vocals hit some raspier notes, not so smooth.I’m a big fan, Aub. Thanks for sharing.Nomi(PS- I’m getting you back for your long review of “Couldn’t Walk Away” )

[pogodog]

Aub, Maybe I'm a know-it-all snotty person . I sure hope I'm not. But i don't feel these 4 selections are the best you can do. I'm not sure why... but , They feel like just another verse. They don't read as thought they set themselves apart from the other sections of the song. Maybe you need to change the phrasing, play around with the cadence.... something with less syllables, maybe ? It's not a matter of searching for a clever line, or insightful content You have that in abundance, but there is something IMO less the ideal about these choices. Here's an example of what i trying to say about changing the meter and or phrasing: I creep all daylike a stowawayon a nightmare ridebetween truth are lies Blah....... blah blah i do, however, agree with Nomi that option 4 has a nice flashback into verse 1. and would therefore get my vote. If the polls were closing in 5 minutes. Snow ? Lucky dog, RanG

[Casey H]

I think I got it for you!BridgeI sleep all day so I don't have to thinkI stay up late to hide from all my dreamsCos I see Meagan and all her tearsI tired to stop them for all those long, long yearshee hee CaseyNow, damn!... if we can only work the "leaves and trees" into that!

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub, Maybe I'm a know-it-all snotty person . I sure hope I'm not. But i don't feel these 4 selections are the best you can do. I'm not sure why... but , They feel like just another verse. They don't read as thought they set themselves apart from the other sections of the song. Maybe you need to change the phrasing, play around with the cadence.... something with less syllables, maybe ? It's not a matter of searching for a clever line, or insightful content You have that in abundance, but there is something IMO less the ideal about these choices. Here's an example of what i trying to say about changing the meter and or phrasing: I creep all daylike a stowawayon a nightmare ridebetween truth are lies Blah....... blah blah i do, however, agree with Nomi that option 4 has a nice flashback into verse 1. and would therefore get my vote. If the polls were closing in 5 minutes. Snow ? Lucky dog, RanGSnotty? Never. Confusing? Sometimes I agree that the meter and phrasing aren't up to par. That really wasn't the point at this stage. First, I throw ideas out - assemble those into very rough outlines (as these four bridges) and then work on refining the ideas that work. However, a lyric that works text only does not always work in the musical context and something that works musically does not always seem to work in text.Thanks for the vote -- Nomi too. Now if I can just figure out how to include the Meagan, Marcie, Bob and Casey soap opera into this song

[pogodog]

Quote:I think I got it for you!BridgeI sleep all day so I don't have to thinkI stay up late to hide from all my dreamsCos I see Meagan and all her tearsI tired to stop them for all those long, long yearshee hee CaseyNow, damn!... if we can only work the "leaves and trees" into that! SOOOOOOOOO Funny

[pogodog]

Quote:[quote author=pogodog board=peer thread=1164517569 post=1164972162]Thanks for the vote -- Nomi too. Now if I can just figure out how to include the Meagan, Marcie, Bob and Casey soap opera into this song LOL as well. ( taxi needs more emoticons .. then i could avoid lyrics altogether )