If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

[aubreyz]

It's been a while since I posted anything for review. I've spent a lot of time in the songwriting woodshed. This is my latest effort as both an artist and songwriter. It's a one take scratch vocal and what I call a "faders up" mix, so there are some known issues with the vocal performance and mix, but it should be good enough to get the idea. I plan to cut real vocals and mix tomorrow. I would appreciate any insight on the lyrics and instrumentation (there are a few lyrical changes I intend to make, but thought I would post the first draft to get some feedback)btw - Broadjam is being very slow activating for some reason, so this is a 128k Soundclick version for now.If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou try your best to beThe Messiah that I needThere's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyThat I'm so quietI'm screaming insidebut there's no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesDidn't really mean to burnAnything downThere's nothing left herebut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it burningIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my pain

[michael11]

Quote:Quote:Wouldn't play Aub!I will try again later.Mick.hmmm... maybe a popup blocker --- try www.soundclick.com/aubdelane and then select If you could feel my pain, or you might try:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemus ... 4599Thanks for trying,AubGot It.Great song.I hear light Metal,Aerosmith or maybe even darker.You wanna get this one out there Aub,it is very very very good!!! Mick.

[bc]

Hi Aub,At first I felt the chorus arrived too soon, and without enough lift to get the sectional contrast that pop radio requires. However, as the mood matured the changes had an interesting flow with subtle yet undeniable power. Make your lyric tweaks, master this puppy and submit it to appropriate film/tv listings. To my ears it's not a radio song, but rather a killer mood setter in a dark film. Think cinema, master appropriately and you'll be cashing a check in about two or three years bc

[Casey H]

Quote:If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou try your best to beThe Messiah that I needThere's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyThat I'm so quietI'm screaming insidebut there's no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesDidn't really mean to burnAnything downThere's nothing left herebut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it burningIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painHi AubI like the dark vibe and the "if you could feel my pain" tag line and song concept. Here are some thoughts:It needs to be trimmed down from 5 minutes. Right now it is way too long. Some of the breaks between sections seem long.The chorus might be better shortened a bit, but maybe doing a longer one at the end. You don't have to repeat "If you could feel my pain" twice in the first choruses.You may want to consider toning down the self-deprecating nature of the overall lyric. Too much of that makes a song much harder to place. I would try to get the point across that you are telling her to stay away and about the pain you are in without necessarily calling yourself a "freak show of a man". Often, it's good to write a song from the heart and then tune it for the masses even if it stays less true to your original storyline. I also think the lyrics need to be a bit more focused- they seem to drift around a bit to different common expressions, possibly thrown in during early writing sessions?, but I am not sure they keep the central thought together.JMHO after a few listens, and take all comments from all sources with a grain of salt... Weed out those that don't form a pattern from a lot of sources and those that just plain don't work for you (after sleeping on them for a while)... Best regards,Casey

[pogodog]

Aub, First a thought - do with it what you will.If you could be my painWould your pleasure be my shameIf you could write my tortured thoughtsWould you .......If you could be my pain - WOULD YOU ?Now, on to the compliments I truly love the darkness in both your melody and voice. Your pain is completely visible and wonderfully audibly throughout the story. Though I'm not completely convinced that the lyrics are carrying their weight. They say they are but I'm a bit suspicious. They're not on level with the vocal and musical production. and they were just plain up to no good when they set fire to the bridge, honestly that whole mess playing with matches thing caught me off guard, the saddest thing of all is - They burned the only way back to your chorus. (Easily fixed , call an engineer- Build a new bridge/refrain ?) "SORRY if i fumble " - as hard as i try Not to flip flop between pro's and con's i always do exactly that.. so, without further confusion i will close by saying ...good luck I'm no sadist but i am willing to watch you suffer for arts sake... and I look forward to your next painful installment.Oh Yeah, Might wanna trim 'er down a tad more. Otherwise you'll be selling theater tickets instead of Cd's With admiration,RanG Modified ( with a strike-out ) for fear i'v offended.

[Casey H]

Hi Aub Yeah, I realized after I wrote that comment about the self-deprecating lyric, that my comment might be off-base for the genre. I like the trimming you did... It's getting there! Lyrically, the bridge could probably use some less cliche lines. I think it might be more effective if you eliminated verse 3 and came out of the bridge right into the breakdown chorus. I would do this by taking the best lyrics from verse 3 and putting them in the bridge. Your verse 3 ideas could make good bridge material, especially the last 2 lines, since they introduce another angle/twist on the story. Regarding genre and placement, in rock music, acts write their own material, so film/TV is the only real target. So, if you get a well produced, dark, metal track together, you could pitch it where appropriate (e.g. replacement tracks).Aub, what is your actual goal? Are you looking to be a performer? A non-performing songwriter? This is always important to know when reviewing material. When ready, if you want to make this film/TV pitchable, one of the things I would do is hire a metal-style vocalist to give it the genre punch it will need. I hope that doesn't offend you, it's not meant that way. That's why I asked what your goal was.Anyway, I hope all this is coming off as constructive and is helpful.Warm regards, Casey

[aubreyz]

Quote:Hi Aub Yeah, I realized after I wrote that comment about the self-deprecating lyric, that my comment might be off-base for the genre. I like the trimming you did... It's getting there! Lyrically, the bridge could probably use some less cliche lines. I think it might be more effective if you eliminated verse 3 and came out of the bridge right into the breakdown chorus. I would do this by taking the best lyrics from verse 3 and putting them in the bridge. Your verse 3 ideas could make good bridge material, especially the last 2 lines, since they introduce another angle/twist on the story. Regarding genre and placement, in rock music, acts write their own material, so film/TV is the only real target. So, if you get a well produced, dark, metal track together, you could pitch it where appropriate (e.g. replacement tracks).Aub, what is your actual goal? Are you looking to be a performer? A non-performing songwriter? This is always important to know when reviewing material. When ready, if you want to make this film/TV pitchable, one of the things I would do is hire a metal-style vocalist to give it the genre punch it will need. I hope that doesn't offend you, it's not meant that way. That's why I asked what your goal was.Anyway, I hope all this is coming off as constructive and is helpful.Warm regards, CaseyCasey,Very constructive and helpful. As you suggested in an earlier post, I genuinely consider all feedback, look for common ground and respond accordingly if I agree.As far as my actual goal, there are several tiers.1st – As a performing artist. I understand the difficultly faced there. I took ten years off, and wasted a lot of potential. However, this is the fire that still burns and keeps me going. There is a long range plan to pursue regional success. My purpose now is to narrow down the genre target, improve my songwriting and update my vocal style. I don’t expect to get “signed” through Taxi, but am using it more as a resource to hone the product.2nd – TV/Film placement (vocal music). This is not a priority right now, but a secondary potential. As my artist demos become more polished and commercial, there may be some opportunities there. There are some listings outside of my artistic genre that I will submit to if it is a good exercise for production/songwriting improvement that will further goal one.3rd – Songwriting for artists. Improving as a writer improves me as an artist. At some point this goal will be higher on the list, but for now I’ve not focused much here yet.4th – TV/Film placement (instrumental) – This is what I do for a living now. I think it’s just a matter of time and energy in order to get enough stuff out there for this to be viable. However, there is no rush here. I can do this several years from now. As an artist there is a much smaller window of opportunity because of my age. Things I can do quickly or huge opportunities are all I’m interested in right now in this area. I would rather invest time in goal one for now, and come back to this more “sure thing” later.Your comment about hiring a vocalist doesn’t offend me at all. It’s a bit funny actually as I’ve been working hard to get the “metal” out of my voice to be more commercial. I’m shooting for a Snow Patrol | Blue October vocal style for this track. I think I may have wimped it out too much. I purposefully reigned in the grit, but I’m not sure it’s working. It’s all part of the process.So far this track is closer to my goal than anything previous. I have a sense of urgency, but not at the expense of doing things right. To really get it right will mean session players, etc. For now these are demos to help define where I’m going. A placement or two along the way would be a nice bonus, but that’s secondary right now.Thanks,Aub

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub, First a thought - do with it what you will.If you could be my painWould your pleasure be my shameIf you could write my tortured thoughtsWould you .......If you could be my pain - WOULD YOU ?Now, on to the compliments I truly love the darkness in both your melody and voice. Your pain is completely visible and wonderfully audibly throughout the story. Though I'm not completely convinced that the lyrics are carrying their weight. They say they are but I'm a bit suspicious. They're not on level with the vocal and musical production. and they were just plain up to no good when they set fire to the bridge, honestly that whole mess caught me off guard, the saddest thing of all is - They burned the only way back to your chorus. (Easily fixed , call an engineer- Build a new bridge/refrain ?) "SORRY if i fumble " - as hard as i try Not to flip flop between pro's and con's i always do exactly that.. so, without further confusion i will close by saying ...I'm no sadist but i am willing to watch you suffer for arts sake... and I look forward to your next painful installment.Oh Yeah, Might wanna trim 'er down a tad more. Otherwise you'll be selling theater tickets instead of Cd's With admiration,RanG hmmm... uh... well... I think I understand some of this Nice lyric idea. I'll ponder that. I'm struggling with the bridge a bit too. I know what I wanted to say, but there may be a more poignant way to express it.More pain for your pleasure will be on the way in the near future Aub

[pogodog]

Aub, Clarification: I think I called your third verse ( the part about matches ? ) the bridge. I am sure that is where the confusion begins and hopefully ends... possibly not... if so then i agree with Casey that the third verse could be omitted altogether making your jump from the TRUE bridge to the repeat chorus much cleaner. This would also make the song leaner at under 4 mins. Also i love the voice in the verse(s) (solid) - the chorus could use a lil more punch ( maybe sing in your higher register or force your vox a bit ) IMO. And i do admit it's based solely on the fact that i have your song" Freeze me " stuck in my head. It's a wonderful example of contrast between song parts. Completely different songs, without a doubt ... but the quality of Freeze is something to shoot for .anyway, I'm sure you'll kick something into shape ... and i can't wait to hear it. The master of confusion,Rang

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub, Clarification: I think I called your third verse ( the part about matches ? ) the bridge. I am sure that is where the confusion begins and hopefully ends... possibly not... if so then i agree with Casey that the third verse could be omitted altogether making your jump from the TRUE bridge to the repeat chorus much cleaner. This would also make the song leaner at under 4 mins. Also i love the voice in the verse(s) (solid) - the chorus could use a lil more punch ( maybe sing in your higher register or force your vox a bit ) IMO. And i do admit it's based solely on the fact that i have your song" Freeze me " stuck in my head. It's a wonderful example of contrast between song parts. Completely different songs, without a doubt ... but the quality of Freeze is something to shoot for .anyway, I'm sure you'll kick something into shape ... and i can't wait to hear it. The master of confusion,RangAhh... makes more sense. I get it. First of all, it is very encouraging to have someone make references to another one of your songs as a goal to shoot for --- btw Freeze Me has a new prechorus and a few tweaks here and there to add when I get back to that one.The third verse is going to be hard for me to lose. I'm open and will look seriously at it, but there is a lot of meaning there for me. Of course, if as a songwriter you have to explain what it means, then you've missed the boat I guess.The playing with matches reference has a double meaning. I'm referring to a bonfire that got out of hand as a kid, and also to a rage of partying that started as fun but ended up consuming a decade of my youth.Perhaps the bridge combining thing might work, but honestly 4:30 is not that unusual anymore... it's not like this is a country song Yesterday wasn't a great vocal day for me anyway -- and today it's worse. So I'll have to stand down for a bit on recutting vocals, but I'm leaning toward adding back some grit. I think in losing it, I also lost some performance realism and feeling.But, as Meatloaf says... let me sleep on it.Aub