"Lines Want Crossed" into "Wildfire"?

[jwebbinspired]

Hello all. A song hit me the other night, and after some demo studio advice from Chits I have produced my newest song. I am wanting to submit it to the Michelle Branch listing:COUNTRY/POP CROSSOVER SONGS are wanted by a Major Nashville Label for a huge star in the Modern Pop world a la Michelle Branch, for her solo Country project. You can think in the stylistic range of Sheryl Crow meets Miranda Lambert, in the same vein as Sara Evans/Gretchen Wilson/Julie Roberts. This artist has a HUGE voice, so make sure the melodies are written to compliment such massive talent and capabilities. Rockin' Country songs with great crossover hooks and melodic appeal are what's needed. Lyrics that are youthful, upbeat and filled with energy - they only need a few more songs and they're only looking for HITS! - make sure your lyrics are tight, thorough and laced with some attitude and tons of hook memorability. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than November 24, 2008. TAXI # S081124COI'd appreciate any feedback. I doubt there is enough time to fix any problems before I submit to this listing, but for future listings I'd love any feedback, suggestions or sly remarks. I already had a friend tell me I think way too much like a girl. But so does Nicolas Sparks and he's rich.http://www.taximusic.com/download/18717 ... .mp3“Lines Want Crossed” By Andrew Scott Wills © 2008My friends say he’s no good,His type is nothing but trouble,Smooth talking pretty boys,Can make a girl see double,Even if my friends are right,Doesn’t change how I feel tonight,Lines want crossed,Roots want pulled,Just because I know better,Doesn’t mean I won’t untether,My pounding heart, lines want crossed,Holding onto my heart,But he’s gently pulling,Even though I know better,Who am I fooling?It may be uncommon sense,But my heart wants to jump that fence,Just when I build the strength to end this,He leans in for another kiss,Chow,Andy

[jwebbinspired]

And hopefully the fact that the listing deadline is my birthday I'll have extra luck...?Andy

[djdale]

I already had a friend tell me I think way too much like a girl.That's a good thing songwriting wise Bad thing shopping for clothes for yourself Nice harmonies onthe song. I like the piano prevalent in t he demo for the Branch pitch.I didn't understand the 'roots' line, unless it's refering to the line where she goes good to bad? Otherwise no other nits there man. Nice.Dale

[jwebbinspired]

I second the clothes shopping comment. I was worried that the "roots want pulled" line was a stretch...bummer. It was in reference to her being grounded to be more selective. But I was wondering if that was a little out there.I'm very happy with the production of the demo. I think it's obvious I didn't sing the vocals on that one....I also don't think anyone wants to hear me hit those high notes on my worktape....

[ciskokidd]

Hey Andy,On first listen I think the melodies are right in the ballpark for this listing. I also think the concept of "letting go" to this kind of attraction/love is kinda cool.Still this is high-bar Country territory so I'm gonna be a bit more critical of the lyric.There are some pretty strong strong lines in there but I'll just pull out my wannabe screener hat.1. "Lines Want Crossed" is either of very underground saying or very particular to a certain area. What I mean is that a young artist like Michelle Branch will likely not have a clue what this means. While I understand what you are trying to say, my question is why? It just doesn't strike me as something people would say. The same applies to "roots want pulled" which I guess follows form, but can be taken out if you change the title.2. "untethered" feels like a forced rhyme. It just doesn't sound conversational to me. If you can't find a more suitable rhyme for "better" than use another line that will say the same thing. Also you say "Even though I know better" in the second verse. It fits there pretty well, I would take the "Just because I know better" line out and find something else.3. The first line in the bridge says "Just when I build the strength to end this". My question as a listener is why would she do that? Is he constantly cheating on her, putting her down, etc. There is no implied or stated reason for this line. I do however like the line that follows so I think you just need to get a better line to take you there. I am throwing all this out, because I really think you have a decent shot at getting this past the bar. It doesn't give you much time and you may disagree with me, but I think you would be able to kick it up a notch.Best regards,Cisko

[jwebbinspired]

Cisko, I really appreciate your input! I have yet to get a forward, let alone a deal and I am eager for any help I can get. I am so happy that you think the melody is on the mark, that is typically my weakness. I never considered there being an issue with "lines want crossed." And this is the only point I'm not sure if I agree with you or not. It's definitely not a cliche, I agree with you there, but I was playing off "don't cross that line" which I think it's a fairly well known cliche/idea. What I'm striving for is her title track, since it's her "cross-over" album I wanted to go with that idea. But maybe I'm forcing it way too much? I don't know if this fixed the problem with my "untethered" line or not but I actually changed it to "doesn't mean I want to tether" because I realized I had a double negative in there. Does that make it any better? Or does it still sound forced? So you don't think that my first verse gives enough "reason" for her to want to "end this" from the line about his type being "no good" or do you think I should be more direct? Lastly, I did realize my repeat on the "even though I know better" line. And you're absolutely right, that's a no-no unless it's the title. I will change this, there is just no way I can do it before Monday. My studio is booked.

[ciskokidd]

Nov 21, 2008, 4:20pm, jwebbinspired wrote:Cisko, I really appreciate your input! I have yet to get a forward, let alone a deal and I am eager for any help I can get. I am so happy that you think the melody is on the mark, that is typically my weakness. I never considered there being an issue with "lines want crossed." And this is the only point I'm not sure if I agree with you or not. It's definitely not a cliche, I agree with you there, but I was playing off "don't cross that line" which I think it's a fairly well known cliche/idea. What I'm striving for is her title track, since it's her "cross-over" album I wanted to go with that idea. But maybe I'm forcing it way too much? I don't know if this fixed the problem with my "untethered" line or not but I actually changed it to "doesn't mean I want to tether" because I realized I had a double negative in there. Does that make it any better? Or does it still sound forced? So you don't think that my first verse gives enough "reason" for her to want to "end this" from the line about his type being "no good" or do you think I should be more direct? Lastly, I did realize my repeat on the "even though I know better" line. And you're absolutely right, that's a no-no unless it's the title. I will change this, there is just no way I can do it before Monday. My studio is booked. Hey Andy,I get your drift on the title - you want it to sound fresh and original. If I may suggest "Lines Want To Be Crossed" To me that says what you want to say and still doesn't sound at all cliche.I still don't like the tether rhyme though. On second reading I can tell you why. It has to do with prosody. The melody line breaks at that point in the phrase and cuts the continuity in the listeners mind. What you want to get across is "Doesn't mean I won't untether my pounding heart" The melody arrangement however leaves "untether" hanging in the wind and creates the forced rhyme. The disconnect happens and then you sing "My pounding heart".The first verse tells us that her friends think the guy is "no good". That doesn't mean she thinks that. She obviously must find something she likes in him to keep her interested. You might want to make the first line in the bridge say something more akin to "my mind's tellin me not to fall for him like this" then you can say "but then he leans in for another kiss". I'm sure you can come up with something better - I'm sure the scansion is all wrong on mine, but you get the idea.I totally understand about not getting it changed in time, and I would probably send it in, if for nothing else than to get an opinion from an industry pro. Do you know if they will critique this one?Best,Cisko

[cjdenecia]

andy,hi - I'm new. cj is my name.this is gonna be a short review for me.it's all simple stuff - you're obviously an excellent songwriter and you have recorded some top notch talent here. the performance is very pro. the demo singer is quite incredible in her own right and you've got some chops backing her ....but you have no hook. none. a decent melody to be sure - and if that were what you were looking for - good. but it's not a great melody and it doesn't carry the tune for lack of the hook.there isn't a memorable passage that leaves the song resonating in my mind after the player has stopped ... and they specifically asked for that. and with all the professionalism I hear within this song, I believe you can write that hook that this lacks. furthermore, because of that professionalism I hear in your work, I think you already know this song lacks the hook.you might be too close to it at the moment to want to admit it but that's what happens when we give birth to a new creation. in the big picture, you'll surely know that this wasn't the big one after a little bit of time.you're obviously wanting to click in the circles that make things happen, in order to do that, you have to push the right buttons. and then just let luck run it's course ... I hear your ability in this song, but this time, you fell short. do better. find that in yourself man. then again, I once thought that global warming was a smokescreen for the EPA to gain acceptance into the european union. that was before I tried to get my car through a british MOT. (americans should forget trying to understand any of that last bit ...)not this time man ...

[momof4]

i agree with cisko kid on almost everything he said, but since you've probably already submitted this, hopefully we'll be wrong and you'll get a forward! good luck!erin

[jwebbinspired]

Again, i thank everyone who has given me their two cents. It's adding up quickly. CJ, Thanks for your structured input on this tune. I think you may have won me over on the "no hook" comment. I was pretty convinced that "Lines Want Crossed" was a real strong hook, but it just doesn't roll off the tongue right when just saying it.Hey guys how about "Lines Dare To be Crossed"? The word "dare" I think helps my bridge a little better. Yes, I have already submitted the demo, but like Cisko said, at least I'll get a pro critique (yes, I do get one Cisko). And between this forum and my friends and co-writers off line I am offically scratching the term "tether"......my one friend in particular said it brought back bad memories of recess in middle school. I dunno.I am taking this back to the work shop.