"Love Struck Us" (all feedback appreciated)

[simonsays]

Hi All,
This struck me as I lay in bed this morning. Had to rush for paper and pen to get it down. (Punctuation is only included ... to show how I heard it in my head. I don't do music myself. )


Album: Tales of Love
Song: "Love Struck Us"
Copyright Steve Simon 2013

(1st Verse)
1 Some times in our lives -- rate so great
2 we'll always remember -- That place, That date
3 it's our magic moment frozen in mind
4 a kiss ... so sublime ... it stopped time

(Chorus)
1 Love Struck Us
2 so Unexpected
3 Love Struck Us
4 like lightning connected
5 Love Struck Us
6 and we -- you and me
7 we're no longer two
8 Love Struck Us
9 and just like 'the Sun' -- we fused
10 Love Struck Us
11 Love Struck Us
12 and that wonderous night -- turned into Noon
13 Yeah, that wonderous night
14 turned into ... our first Honeymoon

(2nd Verse)
1 Now when we walk hand in hand -- across that sand
2 it feels like sparks ... charge our wedding bands
3 like an electric river -- our love flows
4 I wonder ... can everyone ... see us glow?

(Repeat Chorus)

[LooknGlass]

Hi All,
This struck me as I lay in bed this morning. Had to rush for paper and pen to get it down. (Punctuation is only included ... to show how I heard it in my head. I don't do music myself. )


Album: Tales of Love
Song: "Love Struck Us"
Copyright Steve Simon 2013

(1st Verse)
1 Some times in our lives -- rate so great
2 we'll always remember -- That place, That date
3 it's our magic moment frozen in mind
4 a kiss ... so sublime ... it stopped time

(Chorus)
1 Love Struck Us
2 so Unexpected
3 Love Struck Us
4 like lightning connected
5 Love Struck Us
6 and we -- you and me
7 we're no longer two
8 Love Struck Us
9 and just like 'the Sun' -- we fused
10 Love Struck Us
11 Love Struck Us
12 and that wonderous night -- turned into Noon
13 Yeah, that wonderous night
14 turned into our first Honeymoon

(2nd Verse)
1 Now when we walk hand in hand -- across that sand
2 it feels like sparks ... charge our wedding bands
3 like an electric river -- our love flows
4 I wonder ... can everyone ... see us glow?

(Repeat Chorus)

This is good and a great start. I think lines one and two are a good opening but line 3 makes me pause. I have heard of frozen in time before, but not frozen in mind so maybe that hinders me. Maybe "conserved" "retained" "preserved" in mind, are other choices you might consider. I like the chorus and only have a question about line 14. Turned into your honeymoon or was your honeymoon? I think it's the word turned that throws me. Over all this is a mighty fine song you got goin. Of course all my suggestions are just that, suggestions. we're all different with different takes on things. Good write man.

[simonsays]

Hi LooknGlass,
Thank you for taking the time to look at this ... and post comments. IMO there are too many ghosts, and not enough posts, in review sections in general. (remember ... lurkers are shirkers people! )
Steve

Hi All,
This struck me as I lay in bed this morning. Had to rush for paper and pen to get it down. (Punctuation is only included ... to show how I heard it in my head. I don't do music myself. )


Album: Tales of Love
Song: "Love Struck Us"
Copyright Steve Simon 2013

(1st Verse)
1 Some times in our lives -- rate so great
2 we'll always remember -- That place, That date
3 it's our magic moment frozen in mind
4 a kiss ... so sublime ... it stopped time

(Chorus)
1 Love Struck Us
2 so Unexpected
3 Love Struck Us
4 like lightning connected
5 Love Struck Us
6 and we -- you and me
7 we're no longer two
8 Love Struck Us
9 and just like 'the Sun' -- we fused
10 Love Struck Us
11 Love Struck Us
12 and that wonderous night -- turned into Noon
13 Yeah, that wonderous night
14 turned into our first Honeymoon

(2nd Verse)
1 Now when we walk hand in hand -- across that sand
2 it feels like sparks ... charge our wedding bands
3 like an electric river -- our love flows
4 I wonder ... can everyone ... see us glow?

(Repeat Chorus)

This is good and a great start. I think lines one and two are a good opening but line 3 makes me pause. I have heard of frozen in time before, but not frozen in mind so maybe that hinders me.
LooknGlass, I'm glad you fixated on that section. That was my intention. I love to twist cliches. IMO, it is an attention grabber. That's also why I lead with another pretty cliche phrase "magic moment"... to set up another expected cliche ... and then surprise the listener by changing the ending. "frozen" was also chosen due to it's double assonance with "moment". The following line provided clarification for both; that "magic moment" and "frozen in mind".


Maybe "conserved" "retained" "preserved" in mind, are other choices you might consider. I like the chorus and only have a question about line 14. Turned into your honeymoon or was your honeymoon? I think it's the word turned that throws me.
I did consider 'was' in my inititial sentence construction phase for it's alliteration with 'wonderous' in the line preceeding it. I finally decided on using 'turned into' for several reasons; First, as is my want, for the twist. (Repetition is expected, and perhaps the norm in choruses.) After " ... turned into noon" and "yeah ... turned into __", the listener expects another 'noon'. The twist here is 'honeymoon'. A second reason for that choice is the assonance.(turned-first). A third reason is the repetition I mentioned above. I used 'our' instead of 'your' because it wasn't just his or her honeymoon. It was both of theirs.


Over all this is a mighty fine song you got goin.
Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

Of course all my suggestions are just that, suggestions. we're all different with different takes on things. Good write man.

I very much appreciate those suggestions, even if I might not apply them in all instances. That, and the time taken. Different takes is why I post for review. The more the merrier IMO! If you have the time, and inclination, please check out my song "Walking that extra Smile". (another cliche twist fest )

[mikeShort]

I love the idea.

I love the "frozen in mind" line. Not only do you twist the cliche when you can pull off something like this, you get a two-fer, because the brain is always trying to guess what's coming next.

I don't care for the first line much. It doesn't sound like something someone would say to me. The rest of the first verse does. It's the "rate so great" inside rhyme that clanks with me.

In the second verse, I'm going to offer a suggestion. The couple is walking on sand. It's very bright on the beach, and lots of people where sunglasses. Could you ask the last question using that image? In prose, "Are all those people wearing sunglasses because our love is so bright?" I didn't take the time to work out HOW you might pull this off, but I thought it would work really well, so I throw it out there.

[simonsays]

Hi Mike,
Thanks for chiming in. Your feedback always makes me think. Which is a good thing IMO.

I love the idea.
Which Idea are you referring to here. The Title's love striking a couple? Or the "frozen in mind" below?

I love the "frozen in mind" line. Not only do you twist the cliche when you can pull off something like this, you get a two-fer, because the brain is always trying to guess what's coming next.
Thanks. That was my goal there.

I don't care for the first line much. It doesn't sound like something someone would say to me. The rest of the first verse does. It's the "rate so great" inside rhyme that clanks with me.
I get where you're coming from Mike. (rate) and (great) were selected to match up with (date) and (place) rhyme wise. If anyone can think of another single syllable rhyming word other than (rate) that sounds more natural ... I'm willing to consider it, of course. I know people rate their experiences, and I'm fairly comfortable at the moment with that word choice. But If others say it pulls them out of the song, I will take a closer look at other possibilities.

In the second verse, I'm going to offer a suggestion. The couple is walking on sand. It's very bright on the beach, and lots of people where sunglasses. Could you ask the last question using that image? In prose, "Are all those people wearing sunglasses because our love is so bright?" I didn't take the time to work out HOW you might pull this off, but I thought it would work really well, so I throw it out there.

This couple likes moonlit walks along the beach. (Hence the night to noon imagery.) Even though the imagery was meant to be metaphorical ... I imagine a faint glow would only be visible in near darkness. I do like your idea Mike. I just don't see how to make it work with what I have.
Steve

[mikeShort]

I love the idea.
Which Idea are you referring to here. The Title's love striking a couple? Or the "frozen in mind" below?

The title and setup. I like the frozen in mind phrase a lot, too.

[melodymessiah]

i would strongly consider rewriting so "frozen in mind" could be the title of the song. i think this a much more interesting line than "love struck us".

[simonsays]

i would strongly consider rewriting so "frozen in mind" could be the title of the song. i think this a much more interesting line than "love struck us".

Hi melodymessiah,
I can't see "frozen in Mind" as the title for this, because then I would basically have to dump the whole song, and start again from scratch. For me, the title/hook is the seed from which the song grows. And while I like the line "frozen in Mind" with it's mild twist ... I can't see myself pinning a whole song on that tag. You're free to do so, of course, if the inspiration strikes you. (Song titles after all, are not copyrightable. ) Also, I already did a song with an image etched in someones mind/brain. (check out "A Tattoo of You" back on page 8 if you have time) That one has an image formed ... not by ice, but by fire. (Burned into their brain like a tattoo. I pictured a fixed image on an early model plasma screen for that inspiration)
Steve (aka, Simonsays)

[nylyrics]

Hi Steve:

Hope you are well. I would consider writing this idea in direct address.

Verse 1 - descibe the place

thats where i was.....
chorus: (just a quick idea) struck by your love, like lightning in my heart - i fealt the heat i saw the sparks.


Keep at it you are a meter pro!!!! I would just try to be more conversational.

Andy

[simonsays]

Hi Steve:

Hope you are well.
Hi Andy,
I'm doing OK ... how's it going by you?


I would consider writing this idea in direct address.
As I just told Melodymessiah in my last post, I almost always start a song with a title/hook. "Love Struck US" was selected for the minor (lovestruck/love struck) twist, for it's triple assonance, and a what I hope is a universal/general story starting point. (that is, I want the reader to be able to fill in their own story/details ... to make it their song.

Verse 1 - descibe the place
Place descriptions ... might defeat the customization I just described.

thats where i was.....
chorus: (just a quick idea) struck by your love, like lightning in my heart - i fealt the heat i saw the sparks.
That's a nice line Andy, but I already used (like lightning) .... and incorporating this would require a major, if not complete, re-write of the song. I guess that's a downside of beginning a song from a known point (ie, the title/hook) ... it's very difficult to graft on pieces. :(The obvious plus is that song construction almost does itself.


Keep at it you are a meter pro!!!!
A meter pro? I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a musician. I just write it down as I hear it in my head.


I would just try to be more conversational.
My problem Andy, is that I find many conversations extremely boring. While I try not to make things sound too forced, I only write the types of lyrics that I love. Seal's "kissed by a rose on the grave" is one of my favorites. It's a bit poetic, yes ... but still singable. It's a fine line I'm sure but ... nearer the poetic side ... is where I like to ride!

Andy

Thanks for the feedback Andy! I will be posting a possible third verse in a minute or two. Your thoughts on that would be greatly appreciated. (but not required. )