Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

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LamarPecorino
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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by LamarPecorino » Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:56 am

Hi Anna:

I can't really add anything constructive to the suggestions already offered. However I wanted to say how much that I enjoy your writing and singing. I especially love your word choice in phrases like "wreckless indecision". All I can say is Wow!
Onward and upward!
Lamar

“We set sail on this new sea because there is new knowledge to be gained" JFK

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by jaywilliams » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:48 am

yep. I'll weigh in one more time to say this song has been stuck in my head all weekend.

It's a real gem Anna, whatever you do please share this one far and wide.

Best of luck!

:)
see you at the top!

James Hagarty dba Jay Williams Productions
Web: jaywilliamsproductions.com
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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by MBantle » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:44 am

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by MBantle » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:48 am

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by MBantle » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:52 am

MBantle wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:48 am
MBantle wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:44 am
annalynchmusic wrote:
Thu Jan 03, 2019 9:02 pm
Hello!
I thought I'd try getting a little help on this one. I like it but I think It could definitely use a little more structure, also would just like some general feedback?


-Bridge is pretty half hearted and am not attached to it.
- This recording is just me paying into a condenser. Unfortunately don't have a whole lot more options than that at the moment.
- Might pitch this to an Americana listing if it truly the right fit, but not country...unless you hear something I don't?

Really just looking for any and all suggestions, new here and could use some real critical feedback.
Thank you!!

https://soundcloud.com/annalynchmusic/d ... wn/s-0T0Eh

Lyrics:

Don’t Want To Die in a Small Town


(V1)I don’t wanna die in a small town,
Where those roads never end
I don’t wanna die in a hotel room
Where nobody knows that I’m dead

I don’t wanna see the look on the face of my mom when I tell her I hate this place,
I don’t wanna die in a small town
Hmmm mmmm


(V2) And I don’t wanna see you again
Cuz i’d say something that I regret
And I wish I could wish you the best
But to tell you the truth i’m not there yet

Chorus:
Call it a mission
Call it something
Call it feet that need running
For all I care call the fire department
Don’t know when and I don’t know how
All i know is I don’t wanna die in a small town


(V3)I can’t live on the back of my hand
Don’t matter that you don’t understand
I can’t be some forgotten face
In a yearbook photo you just cant cant place

Bridge:
And you know I love you and always will but you cant see the world from the top of a hill

Chorus:
Call if faith call it a mission
Call it wreckless indecision
For all you know I’m good at something
Don’t know when and don’t know how
All I know is I don’t
Wanna die in a small town
Hi Anna!
...I think my IT problems are resolved :D Sorry for the 'comment removed'. OMG I love that song. To be honest I think the lyrics could become even stronger if you sense check them again line by line. What I assume you want to say is that you do not want to die in a hotel where no one knows you are dead. In the actual room you'd be alone anyway in that scenario...so I would rather say something along the lines of 'room in a hotel where nobody knows I am dead' or 'and nobody knows I am dead' (I know that would eliminate the repetition of 'where' & 'where'). A similar thing occurs when you talk about your mom and 'this place'. That place is the small town and not the hotel room, right? Maybe there is a better picture than the 'hotel room' to explain why you do not want to die in a small town. I learned far too late that it is always better to go 'deeper' when writing lyrics than going 'wider'. So maybe worthwhile trying another 'picture' connected to the road or the small town. I also think the idea that those 'roads never end' maybe deserves an explanation for the listener as it is a bit abstract...It could be something explaining that whilst those roads never end you are stuck and not making any progress (which is why you don't want to die there...). Just my five cents. All the best with that gem. I think it is a great song!
Cheers,
Matt

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by nicotina » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:33 pm

I like the song, and think it's probably "Americana", or some variety of Folk rather then country. What would make me like it better would be a contrasting voice, like maybe a fiddle playing fills or counter-melody. I love that sound of acoustic guitar, voice and fiddle. An alternative would be a second voice adding harmony, or maybe a counter-melody.

If it's a pitch to an artist, it probably doesn't need that though.

Just an opinion,

Vince

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NEW VERSION!

Post by annalynchmusic » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:50 pm

Hello everyone!
WOW, I am almost without words, you are all so sweet AND helpful!

Ok, soo I noticed the biggest trend in feedback I was getting, was the story didn't really tie together.
So I think this might be all I can do for now, without completely ripping the thing apart or tucking it in a drawer for 6+ months

Please forgive the recording (again)

https://soundcloud.com/annalynchmusic/d ... -3/s-T5S1a

Better? Keep it how it was? Re-Do?

Thank you all again! SO appreciated!
Anna

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by songmaster » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:04 am

Hi Anna I've had your song in my head and I was wondering why someone would not want to die in a small town. The answer seems to me, every one who wants to be successful has to leave the small town ( even though a lot dreamers die in big towns lol). Anyway, I know you have had a lot of advice from the wonderful Taxi folks. But if you are rethinking your story, maybe it could be along the following lines

I don't want to die in a small town
Cause these dreams are still pulling on me
I don't want to die in a small town
They say girl take us somewhere we can breathe

Anyway, just my 2 cents. You got people excited about your song and I think music supervisors are going to feel the same way. Now I have to get your song out of my head, before it sneaks into one of my songs :lol:

Tom

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by Elderman » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:53 pm

I liked your song very much but, think your vocals could have had more emotion. If I didn't want to die in a small town I'd be more desperate at times and let that come thru. I think this song could kill if the performance matched the lyrics.
Would loved to hear more of your songs. You have a great voice and talent.

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Re: NEW VERSION!

Post by jaywilliams » Fri Jan 18, 2019 3:39 pm

annalynchmusic wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:50 pm

https://soundcloud.com/annalynchmusic/d ... -3/s-T5S1a

Better? Keep it how it was? Re-Do?
Hi Anna -

In my opinion this one is definitely better in the sense that you lyrically addressed most of the concerns I had while keeping the emotion, vibe, and heart of the song intact.

I know tinkering with a song can be a bit of a tightrope walk but yeah that was time well spent.

The only line that's still causing a hitch for me is the "call the fire department" which while I don't want to come across as nit-picky it sounds a little out of place.

If you love the line, leave it in, this track is really great!

But it you're not 100% sure it needs to be there, maybe play with a different choice? Transit department? Bus? Taxi? Travel agency even would make more sense. All the lyrics are about leaving (or being limited in the small town), EXCEPT for the line about the fire department. ;)

I hope that helps, and please remember I do think this version is much improved, great job!

Jay
see you at the top!

James Hagarty dba Jay Williams Productions
Web: jaywilliamsproductions.com
Songtradr: jay.williams.productions
SoundCloud: jay-williams-productions

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