Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

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annalynchmusic
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Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by annalynchmusic » Thu Jan 03, 2019 9:02 pm

Hello!
I thought I'd try getting a little help on this one. I like it but I think It could definitely use a little more structure, also would just like some general feedback?


-Bridge is pretty half hearted and am not attached to it.
- This recording is just me paying into a condenser. Unfortunately don't have a whole lot more options than that at the moment.
- Might pitch this to an Americana listing if it truly the right fit, but not country...unless you hear something I don't?

Really just looking for any and all suggestions, new here and could use some real critical feedback.
Thank you!!

https://soundcloud.com/annalynchmusic/d ... wn/s-0T0Eh

Lyrics:

Don’t Want To Die in a Small Town


(V1)I don’t wanna die in a small town,
Where those roads never end
I don’t wanna die in a hotel room
Where nobody knows that I’m dead

I don’t wanna see the look on the face of my mom when I tell her I hate this place,
I don’t wanna die in a small town
Hmmm mmmm


(V2) And I don’t wanna see you again
Cuz i’d say something that I regret
And I wish I could wish you the best
But to tell you the truth i’m not there yet

Chorus:
Call it a mission
Call it something
Call it feet that need running
For all I care call the fire department
Don’t know when and I don’t know how
All i know is I don’t wanna die in a small town


(V3)I can’t live on the back of my hand
Don’t matter that you don’t understand
I can’t be some forgotten face
In a yearbook photo you just cant cant place

Bridge:
And you know I love you and always will but you cant see the world from the top of a hill

Chorus:
Call if faith call it a mission
Call it wreckless indecision
For all you know I’m good at something
Don’t know when and don’t know how
All I know is I don’t
Wanna die in a small town

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by songmaster » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:20 am

Hi Anna

This is a really beautiful song and I think the lyrics are spot on. It does hit me as Americana as you suggested. Your voice is very heartfelt and carries the song nicely right to the end. The only thing that struck me was the " chorus ". It felt more like a bridge to me and also, because you have different lyrics in both choruses, people will not recognize them as the chorus. Usually the chorus stands out much more and has the very same lyrics.

I think the song is fine as it is other than maybe calling the chorus the bridge.

Very nice job!

Tom

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by jaywilliams » Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:31 am

Anna hello and welcome to Taxi.

I listened to your track and I think you have a good start there but your lyrics could use a bit more focus IMO.

I love the short intro (well done!) and the music, phrasing, and mood/vibe of the song, all top notch.

Also, for a rough recording it's excellent quality.

I don't know if you attempted to record your vocals and guitar separately but you might try that for future takes, will give you (or your producer should you tag in a collaborator) more options on how to finish up and polish the song for it's final release.

Ok now going back to the lyrics, as someone who escaped a small town I understand the general theme, but couldn't quite grasp the story you are telling. In some parts it sounds like a break up song, in some parts it sounds like the narrator was raised in and has now out grown the small town, in other parts maybe the narrator was recently moved to the town, or perhaps is visiting the town. In some parts it sounds like a decision has been made, in other parts it sounds as if a decision is being made or still needs to be made.

Without dissecting the lyrics line by line (which I don't think would be helpful), my hunch is you would benefit from taking a little time away from the song - to listen to your inner voice until you have the story of your song crystal clear in your mind. Then take another pass through the lyrics and see what changes, if anything.

Hope that helps, and best of luck!

Jay :)
see you at the top!

James Hagarty dba Jay Williams Productions
Web: jaywilliamsproductions.com
Songtradr: jay.williams.productions
SoundCloud: jay-williams-productions

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by annalynchmusic » Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:06 pm

Thank you so much guys!


Jay!
jaywilliams wrote:
Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:31 am
couldn't quite grasp the story you are telling. In some parts it sounds like a break up song, in some parts it sounds like the narrator was raised in and has now out grown the small town, in other parts maybe the narrator was recently moved to the town, or perhaps is visiting the town. In some parts it sounds like a decision has been made, in other parts it sounds as if a decision is being made or still needs to be made.
I totally agree, the second part of the first V I really like because it just kind of came out and fit...however does nothing to help me narrow down a cicinct narrative. Taking a little time, and then coming back and doing a " slash and burn" as I like to call it, just if it doesn't fit get rid of it no matter how much you love it, would do me good...but right now I really love it :roll:

I am having a hard time deciding if this will be one of those songs I just write for me ,because admittedly it's about as personal of a song as I have ever written, I am also from a small town and absolutely hated it, and couldn't imagine wanting to spend the rest of my life there.

Thank you again for listening!
Anna

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by larrymagee » Sat Jan 05, 2019 2:01 pm

Hi Anna - Really nice work. I just sent an email to your bandcamp site to ask you about collaborating.

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by pianodanno » Sat Jan 05, 2019 2:20 pm

I think this is a wonderful song.
I don't think the lyrics need changing.
I think the bridge, for being on the shorter side, is a nice change of pace.

My suggestion, if you feel you need change, is to add a bit of harmony to the your vocals. You might be able to get away with something as little as a hum on the chorus.

I'm excited to hear more!

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by eeoo » Sat Jan 05, 2019 5:36 pm

Okay, first of all you're an amazing singer, really love your voice and phrasing and the ease with which you deliver your vocals, bravo! I think the song has tons of potential but to my ears it could use some sectional contrast, the chorus sounded like another verse to me. The bridge went by so fast and again sounded pretty similar to the rest of the song. My 2 cents is keep working it and concentrate on differentiating your section more either throiugh different chords or change up the melody. Easier said than done, I know!

Really lovely and heartfelt though, don't lose that.

EO

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by nylyrics » Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:33 pm

Anna

Ok I’ve listened to this song like 20 times. So the
Melodies and vocals are all beyond great.

There’s lots of great lyrics I am sure you don’t want to part with, but in terms of sticking to one situation between you and the person you are singing to....

I would focus on that, think of it as an AABA
Structure. Polish up the three A sections with the
Same hook line at the end of each a section
Including the “all I know”. The b section might
Contain some if the ideas in the first verse where
There if no relationship situation revealed but the same general strong feelings about not wanting to stay in the small town. He wants to stay you don’t. You
Love him but you just can’t stay.

Awesome stuff!


Andy

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by songmaster » Sun Jan 06, 2019 8:55 am

I just thought I'd mention, that some songs don't require a huge chorus. I think that this is one of those songs. Right now the structure you have is AABA which is great for film and TV. Once in a blue moon, I come up with a song similar to this and when I try to put a great big chours to it, I actually make the song worse. I would just say that if you do decide to make a different chorus, that you don't lose the warmth and magic that you have now, with this song.

Tom

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Re: Lyric/structure feedback?- Americana/Singer-Songwriter

Post by GuitarKit » Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:37 am

Hi Anna. So glad you joined Taxi. I think you're going to do great.
I love your vibe. Your voice and songs are heart moving.

Well here's my IMO

Structure-wise, your song could work well as verse-refrain. You have your hook placed nicely at the end of verse 1. Keep that consistent as the refrain through the song.

You should complete verse two with the same phrase length and refrain at the end. this will also help listeners to memorize your song quicker being consistant.

Expanding verse 2 will help give more information about who this person is and what they mean to you. I'm a little in the dark as to who this person is. (Maybe tie them in with the school yearbook thing??)

If you are going to have a chorus, you only need the hook line, 'Don't want to die in a small town". Choruses are to drive home the hook, not give more details. This kind of repetition would be good at the end of the song.

Watch the 1st person thing going on in the bridge. And "you" know I love "you" and always will but "you" can't see the world from the top of a hill. Sounds like the love interest can't see the world from the top of the hill. Maybe "I can't see..." or "no sees..."

Sorry for being so bossy. This song has good potential. Again, I like your style. :D :D

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