New member/First song finally posted

[aldicicco]

Hi Dave,Welcome to the forum.This was high quality in many ways. Story, music, production.... I really enjoyed it and it held my interest.One small nit. After the wife shares her thoughts, why not add a little musical space (a bar or two) to let the storyteller resume. At first, I thought the wife was talking about waking up the next morning. It think a little break will make the change more effective.Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to more.Best wishes,Al

[mewziklvr]

Hey guys, Thanks for the terrific feedback. Glad everone seems to like the story, so I will elaborate. My cousin just lost his wife at a young age to cancer leaving behind 2 small children. They really loved each other and this started as an inspirational poem that I wrote for him. Only a couple of the lines of that poem made it into the song.Dave.

[ottlukk]

Dave: I thought the story line excellent. Great singer and production, and the heartfelt sentiment needed for country is there as well. Welcome to the forums!Ott

[mewziklvr]

Thanks guys. Yeah I agree with you Al. That was my thought to. My only guess there is that my producer was cutting all the corners he could to keep the time down, wich seems to be a huge issue with this piece.Dave.P.S. Thank you everbody for the huge welcome to the forums.

[k o star]

hi Dave... Wowow!!!What a Beautiful song!!!Love the pianos & Vox...Really lovely piece indeed... Production sounds gr8...-Kel

[mewziklvr]

Thanks Kel, I can only take credit for the lyrics. I will defenatly pass on everyone's feedback to the producer tho.Dave

[toddt]

Hi Dave I'll echo what others have said - very nice story.But there is a huge power in brevity, and that's the key thing. Have you read Jason Blume's "6 Steps to Songwriting Success"? It's a brilliant book, with some excellent lessons to help you distill your great story into a strong song...

[bucyboy]

Hi Dave, Nice tune, great idea for a song. I agree about tightening it up a bit, but your not far off, in my opinion. The last line of your chorus bothered me a bit, the "it's what I pack it for". It seems like a weak line for the chorus wrap-up. Maybe the other line in the last chorus would work better, the "And baby I love you", or if it needs to rhyme with "adore" it could be "it's what I keep it for", or anything a bit more memorable than the word "pack". Remember, this is just my opinion, and I haven't written any hits......yet....lol

[mewziklvr]

Thanks for the feed back,tt, no I have not read it yet. Right now I am sifting through the mountain of stuff here and elswhere on the net.buc,I have been whitteling on it a bit, however demo's are not cheap. The pack line was a way of comunicating that it goes everywhere with the old man. Does not work? Thanks for the reply. Your first hit is on it's way!Dave