New member/First song finally posted

[mewziklvr]

Howdy all. I'm Dave and have been reading you guys for awhile now. Finally scraped the money together to "roll the dice" on a dream. Scary treading water huh? But I guess you all have been here before so you get it. About me? Well, I'd rather be writing than shoveling for a living. Ha ha. This song is intended for the country market. I write lyrics only so I payed to have the demo done. Well, hammer away and I promise to return the favor. Glad to finally get to say hi to you guys. Thanks D.www.taxi.com/davecraigLyrics:The DiaryI was at the cemetery, when an old man ambled by,Bouquet of flowers in his hand, and there were tears in his eyes.I recognized the look he had, for I wore one of my own. It was an ache for someone who was gone and had left him all alone. I watched the old man kneel down, and brush the dust off of a grave.He wept for just a moment, then this is what I heard him say.There are so many things you've missed, so much we've yet to do,So I'm keeping us a diary, to share these things with you.It's full of silly little things, things that girls adore, And it's a way of keeping you with me, that’s what I pack it for. His hands began to tremble, as he lay those flowers down,Then he began to rearrange them, and formed a heart there on the ground.When he had finished with the flowers, and got back on his feet,I saw that tattered diary in his hands, and the tears stream down his cheek.The things I heard that old man say, kept running through my head,And I thought about my own wife, as I remembered what he said. CHORUSI looked down at the stone, that lay beneath my feetAnd I heard my wife whisper, in a voice so soft and sweetBaby I'm so sorry to have left you on your own,And though you cannot see it, you are not alone. I walk with you every day, and still I hold your hand,I'll wait for you til the end of time, and you will always be my man.When I woke up the next morning, and prepared to start my day,A smile swept across my face, as I heard myself say,There are so many things, that we've yet to do,And time is just a setback, until I can once again hold you.I've never owned a diary, but I'm gonna buy one right away,It's so you'll know how many times, you cross my mind each day. And today is just another day, another day I will get through,I can feel you here by my side, and baby I love you.

[feaker]

mewVery nice.Chorus should come in around a minute. Maybe more lift?Awesome piano. Good production.Excellent vocal.A lil too long?Heartwarming story.I'll let the experts chime in about the rest.Nice to meet you.Paul

[heinsite]

hi new guy Dave--whoa, what promise...this is a quality song. is that you singing? the production is great, yours or demo'd out? don't care, most of my stuff is demo'd and produced by others...i love the step down word to the chorus--nice twist.this is a country tune that we all have heard the premise of/to/whatever before. but why not again? i love it. there are some nit picks, a bit too wordy, a bit too lengthy for radio (where i'd like to hear this...) brought a tear to my eye--a good thing.congrats, i'll also let the experts chime in, but FWIW i think this is a keeper--i'd just nip and tuck it a bit in the lyric dept. to make the phrasing as SIMPLE AND TO THE POINT as possible. but the bones are there man, very nice work...all the best,warren

[mewziklvr]

Hey, thank you guys for the info. any suggestions on how to shorten the lyrics without gutting the song? Man I'm glad to be here where opinions actually count. Friends are cool listeners but to friendly to critique. lol. Thanks again for the feed back. Dave

[heinsite]

hi Dave,i don't do that anymore...tees people off sometimes. generally though, sometimes you can in long verses like your lines there, can take out many unnecessary words...i'll do ONE example, but i'm no expert.first verse:instead of "and there were" tears in his eyesjust, "tears in his eyes"same idea for many of the phrases.also, if there are any lines that you can live without totally, (that do not affect the story) might consider deleting there too--but the first suggestion up there doesn't/shouldn't disrupt the song, but you'll need to clip it someplace, or rerecord, IF you are so inclined.just my opinion.i have one with a co-writer on the same page titled REDUX, if you can listen and give us your opnion, much abliged....not a country song though...warren

[slowdance]

Dave,I liked it......only fault (to me) is the verses and chorus had the same intensity level......needs (the chorus) a bigger seperation from the verses.....thats what I hear.........welcome to the forum and best of luck with your music.....Regards,Dick

[waltl]

Dave,Very moving -- both the lyric itself and the performance. Here's something you might consider as a way of tightening up the song structure and reducing the length.I see Verse 1 as having 6 lines -- I was at the cemetery, when a . . . then this is what I heard him say.Verse 2 also has 6 lines. His hands began to tremble . . . as I remembered what he said.Verse 3 has 8 lines. I would make it the same length as the other two.The first chorus has 4 lines. The last chorus has 6 lines and some quite different words. I would make each chorus the same length with the same words (use the very best words from the two different versions).Walt (waltl)

[georginasaint]

Hi Dave, welcome to Taxi and to the forum. What a beautiful song! I love the story idea. The demo sounds wonderful - beautiful piano playing. I agree with taking out those little "extra" words here and there - a couple the singer doesn't sing anyhow. Also, I'm a bit of a nit-picker about false rhymes - like "feet" and "cheek" for instance, and "hand" and "man". However, I come from a musical theater background where that's very unacceptable, but I think I've read here on the forum that these kinds of "false rhymes" are ok in country. Those rhymes pulled me out of the song, but things like that jump out at me. This is really good work - look forward to hearing more from you!Georgie

[mewziklvr]

Thank you all for the feedback. good tips for me to work with. When I wrote it, I thought it might be to short. Ha. I have a ton to learn. What an awesome place this is to do just that. You guys really rock! Beautiful comunity here. I hope I will fit in and become a part of you.Thanks again, Dave.

[fullbirdmusic]

Outstanding song, and the sentiment is great. I think too that the phrases are too wordy. Cutting them down might not even make the song shorter, as it will take the same amount of time to get to the end of the measure they were filling, if you get my drift. Anyway, great lyric but as a general critique I would put yourself (when writing the lyrics) right in the middle of the scene. What's the scenery look like? What kind of shoes is the old man wearing? Is it cold? Is it fall or summer? That's the kind of stuff you can use to pack this wonderful song with even more top-quality imagery. For example:Standing at that chain-link fence, when I saw him walking by,Bouquet of flowers in his hand, and there were tears in his eyes.His weary face wore that look I knew, cause I wore one of my own.The painful memory for someone who'd gone, and left him all alone.He reached down to the ground to brush the dust off of a grave.I thought I saw him cry and as I did I heard him say.This isn't perfect, but it gives you an idea of what I mean. Put yourself there and describe what you see. We don't need to know that you saw him kneel down; instead, it's more interesting to "see" what you saw when you saw it! Cheers, and welcome to the forums!Wes