Looking to pitch to a listing, need advice

[shorty]

So, there's a listing I want to pitch this song to, by far this is NOT the completed project. I'd like to get some feedback about the lyrics, prosody, etc... if someone wants to collaborate... etc...Listen here:http://www.rebekahanncurtis.com/page7.htmlbe sure to click on the picture, and then wait a minute for it to load Lyrics for song:Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever since you've been here, and felt your warm embraceTwilight lingers so, since you took my lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me once again, let me feel your breathwrap your soul around me, I'll drown in your caressswallow my surrender, let me savour your kissto remain with you is heaven come cure my aching wishI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me(instrumental)swallow my surrender, let me savour your kissto remain with you is heaven come cure my aching wishI want you to hold me, in your arms againHold onto the silence, don't let this feeling endI want you to hold me, in your arms againThe sweetest sound I know, is when you just begin toHold me Copyright Rebekah Ann Curtis 2009

[Casey H]

Hey Shorty I'll come back and peek at this tomorrow... Fading fast...sleep... Casey

[hummingbird]

what genre are you shooting for, Rebekah?"It's forever since you've been here, and (I?) felt your warm embrace"I'm not sure about this line - it's seems out of place in a contemporary song unless you are shooting for pop classical or folk - "come cure my aching wish"here's a little trick I use to check out how the lines of other verses flow against the pattern of verse 1 -- some phrases will not match inflection :1a-Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely place2a-Hold me once again, let me feel your breath1b-It's forever since you've been here, and felt your warm embrace2b-wrap your soul around me, I'll drown in your caress1c-Twilight lingers so, since you took my light2c-swallow my surrender, let me savour your kiss1d-In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night2d-to remain with you is heaven, come cure my aching wishI like the sentiment of this lyric, the sweet yearning. I think it's strong off the top and then I get lost in the repitition. I'm not sure if the hook should be repeated so many times.I think this sets up the mood well:"Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever since you've been here, and (I) felt your warm embraceTwilight lingers so, since you took my lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night"I'd urge you to write a chorus that is not 4 lines long (like the verses), that has a rythm/meter and a structure that contrasts to the verse.I'd really like to know more about the 'shadows that she knows' and why there is 'no end to her night'. Those are beautiful images.HTH a little... it's late here!cheersHummin'bird

[Casey H]

Hi RebekahI think the melody is very pretty. There is a nice lift to the chorus. I agree with Vikki that it's a bit repetitious. "Aching wish" seems awkward since wishes can't ache. And wishes don't get cured... (This from a guy who wrote "science fiction dreams" in a lyric, LOL!)... "Swallow my surrender" is another example where the phrase doesn't really make sense. "Took away my light" is less than ideal but might be OK. It feels just a tad off to me.The listing you posted sounds very high bar-- major artist, etc. So everything really has to be top notch. One of the challenges is when you write a song called "Hold Me" the first reaction is how common that is and how many songs like that have been done. So you have to blow them away with a killer melody and supporting lyrics. Wherever you can, avoid the cliches like "warm embrace" and a few others- like maybe "surrender" and "sweetest sound"... It isn't easy. There are only so many ways to say "I love you"... when someone finds a really unique way to say it, they have something very special. This a very good start and you did say that's what it is- a start. Keep at it! And it was great meeting you at the rally! Casey

[shorty]

Originally I had:Hold me once again in this dark and lonely place, It's been so long since you been here, since I saw your faceI've been tired of waiting, since you took my lightThis darkness that I know, there's no end to my nightand then the chorus.I suppose the entire second verse doesn't make much sense. I guess you can't really wrap your soul around someone either, and you really can't drown by someone touching you. I was thinking that swallowing a surrender was a veil for the joining of two souls, must have gotten lost in translation. Back to the drawing board for the second verse.Still working on making the chorus more interesting.

[hummingbird]

this would work (so you don't use "dark" and "since" twice)Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's been so long since you been here, since I saw your faceTwilight lingers so, (I can't find the) lightIn the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightso the last thing you say is "no end to my night"why not?that's what the chorus is.like....In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night--(I hate the) silenceor....In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my night--(where's the sunrise)Hope you'll keep posting your rewrites - I love to watch the creative process unfolding

[hummingbird]

Nov 24, 2009, 3:41pm, shorty wrote:Hold me once again, in this dark and lonely placeIt's forever that you've been here, since I saw your faceTwilight lingers so, since you took my light (light is used poetically as a reference to soul, life, love, etc. in other places... why not here?)In the shadows that I know, there's no end to my nightI like this except "since" is used twice. I don't have a problem with "light" but the phrase "since you took my light" feels... funny to me. You're saying, 'take me in your arms, I miss you so much, it's been too long, I've been in the dark - since you took my light' - it sounds... accusatory, like you are blaming them for leaving you in the dark. That's fine if that's what you mean and the chorus & the rest of the lyric supports it. JMHO, by the way, it's your lyric... just giving comments from my perspective. Keep or sweep

[shorty]

If anyone else has an opinion, the more the merrier!!

[Casey H]

My observation has been in pop and rock, the level of story detail required is much less than with country. You still need some depth but not as much. Sometimes it's as simple as 1-2 lines in a bridge which fill in just a little more info. I may not think it needs to answer as many questions as Vikki does, but it could say a lot more.The music here is very beautiful, BTW... It needs more sectional contrast but you have the start of something very sweet and pretty.MHO is focus first on what you want to say in each section, regardless of the actual words, rhymes, etc. Storyboard it-- an outline. It's like what we had to give our English teachers in school sometimes. When I get in trouble, I fall back on that-- e.g. "What do I want to say in V1?" "In V2?" "In the chorus?" "In the bridge?"...In V1 you are setting up the story and you have some of that like telling the listener that it's been forever since he was there... You could do more on the story setup. You may not want to start the first verse with "Hold Me"-- you are giving away the hook line too soon. Let that first verse make the first occurrence of "Hold Me" really shine. V2 doesn't add much new. It should be expanding on the story you set up in V1. Make the listener really yearn for that next "Hold Me" chorus.When I went back to listen a few times and write this I had trouble being sure I was identifying the sections right. Some of that might be the repeating of the same two words so much. Also, a bridge would be good to break things up.You are right that the story can stay fairly general for film/TV. However, the basic elements of a very good song still need to be there. Even though someone may end up using only 30 seconds of a track somewhere, if the SONG doesn't impress, it won't get signed. If a film/TV person thinks it lacks sectional contrast, lyrics are too cliche, it's too repetitive, doesn't hook enough, or any of the SONG things that are "the norms", it won't make it. Don't forget that THIS listing also mentioned the song being cut by a major artist. So this really has to be GREAT, at least for this listing.You might want to step back from it for a few days and think of the re-work as more than fixing a phrase here and there. Look at the big picture of the story (even if minimal) and how you want to tell it.Again, you could have a beautiful Sarah M. style tune here with some work. I do have the musical hook in my head!HTH Casey

[Casey H]

Hey RebekahI didn't read your posts as rough around the edges or argumentative. But then again, having gotten to talk to you at the rally and afterwards I know whether or not you are biting, cold, and calculating. (**joke**) and I DO use emoticons. And I always like to mention when I give feedback that... if I'm so smart, why aren't my songs totally great and on TV? It's a lot easier to review other's songs than see the forest for the trees on your own. Best, Casey