Joke of the Minute...

[hookstownbrown]

Quote:I bet I know who that hillbilly was, I just didn't know they had 'em up north. Now how'd I know that I was gonna hafta duck a few jabs after tellin' that joke...

[drew]

A man walked into his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear."Doctor, what's the matter with me?" he asked.The doctor replied, "You're not eating properly."

[drew]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to investigate.Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began."Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?""Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.""Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?""De duck won." I've been to Crowley many times, some good stories that I won't talk about right now.

[drew]

A guy is shipwrecked onto an island, and arrives unconscious.When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around abit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds anddark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when hefinds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too."Oh no!!" he says."I think I've been marooned!"

[hookstownbrown]

The Paper BagA man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter, as well.He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish, just one. Each person is only allowed one!"The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!The bartender turns to the man and says, "Ya' know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.""Tell me about it!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[drew]

Another Cannibal joke:A big corporation recently hired several cannibals."You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."The cannibals promised they would not.Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"The cannibals all shook their heads "NO."After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

[hookstownbrown]

Ok... Slightly stereotypical ethnic joke, here.If you have a problem with slightly stereotypical ethnic jokes, then see a therapist...Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvator grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. Luigi's voice comes back on the line. "Okay, now what?"

[hookstownbrown]

True Story...On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally, he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"That's when she shot him.

[drew]

Good one, Hook.Two cockroaches decided to visit their favorite restaurant.While the larger of the two was enjoying his meal, thesmaller one said, "You wouldn't believe the house I justleft. It was spotless. The lady had to be a cleanaholic.Everything was immaculate--the sink, the counter, thefloors. You couldn't find a crumb anywhere."The other cockroach stopped his munching, looked with someannoyance at his companion, and said, "Do you have to talklike that while I'm eating?"

[bobc]

This Classic was sent to my by a friend;MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERSWhen requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases,"AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band. IMPORTANTWhen an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked intocoming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.TALKING WITH THE BANDThe best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions mmediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.HELPING THE BANDIf you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.VERY IMPORTANTRemember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.BONUS TIPAs a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig!