Joke of the Minute...

[liamkelly]

Cool avatar, Dave Rockin' around the Christmas tree?

[devin]

Dec 9, 2008, 6:03am, davekershaw wrote:A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' - And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. ...and here I thought the punch line would be Santa was going to go to the world's governments to ask for bail out money to do some overdue restructuring....I like your ending better!

[davekershaw]

[ibanez468]

[byllsong]

[Casey H]

Dad at the Mall I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[Mark Kaufman]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a revealing view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[davewalton]

My favorite Rodney Dangerfield thing..."I'm not in very good shape, I'll tell ya. I went to a nude beach. The tide went out... IT STAYED THERE!"

[Mark Kaufman]

These pants? They're like a cheap hotel--no ballroom.

[ibanez468]

A DRUNK'S DINNERA drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: "Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!" "No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already." The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?" "Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!" Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it. "What's this," says the drunk. "That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender. The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves. Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced. "Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!" "No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home." Again the drunk notices the darts. "If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks. The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him." "Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over. Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes. "Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. "What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a prize for being such a good shot." "Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves. Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar. "Gimme a martini!" he demands. "No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home." Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?" The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes. "OK," he says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously. Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye! "Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail. "What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender. "Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"