Joke of the Minute...

[ibanez468]

Now that's straight to the point!

[ibanez468]

TURNED THE TABLESOne night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[nomiyah]

OMG Dave

[davekershaw]

It's taken me five days, but I finally got the tree up!

[feaker]

daveyOf course they won't stack right if they aren't emptied?Friends could have helped and been done in one day:)paul

[drew]

Marijuana causes amnesia and other things I can't remember.

[drew]

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATHHe writes:I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumperMost of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Give her the finger? I don't think so.

[drew]

We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said ...My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.I phoned a girl and she said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!A hooker once told me she had a headache.I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.I stuck my head out the car window and got arrested for mooning.The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; last night she called me from Chicago.My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[Casey H]

FIFTY DOLLARS IS FIFTY DOLLARSMorris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars. And fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' Casey

[davekershaw]