Country/Pop Crossover forward!

[ckbarlow]

May 19, 2008, 9:30am, trentoliphant wrote:re: the first line of chorusI really like the word/rhyme connection - that's the one the resonates the most - we aren't the same, but we go together because you get me. I don't think the sun/shine works quite as well for that imagery - it says - You are the part that is the better/outward/sizzle (not sure what really the best word is to describe this) part of me because you get me. .... What if you were to start with the word/rhyme line?

[ckbarlow]

May 19, 2008, 9:30am, trentoliphant wrote:I really like the word/rhyme connection - that's the one the resonates the most - we aren't the same, but we go together because you get me. ...What if you were to start with the word/rhyme line?Quote:I don't know about the first line, I think the sun-shine line is clearer and more logical, but it almost seems a bit pretentious to call yourself "the sun" (no offense hehee). Although it kind of connects with the planet line...Thanks, Trent and Matto. On both counts, I've thought the same thing myself. In this version I ended up thinking that Sun/Shine simply has a brighter sound (the sibilance and "sh" especially) and a clearly positive connotation, whereas Word/Rhyme has darker sounds and the "word" in question isn't necessarily happy. Err, like, I'm "stun" and you're "gun" or many disgusting pairings that I'll refrain from exploring. But I might try flipping it. Maybe, as another responder suggested, I should find a third alternative. And a fourth and so on, til I find the one that feels completely perfect.

[momof4]

congrats on your forward - that's awesome!erin

[squids]

Ck, great job!!! Country via taxi is a tough nut to crack. BIG congrats!

[matto]

May 20, 2008, 7:52am, ckbarlow wrote:In this version I ended up thinking that Sun/Shine simply has a brighter sound (the sibilance and "sh" especially) and a clearly positive connotation, whereas Word/Rhyme has darker sounds and the "word" in question isn't necessarily happy. Err, like, I'm "stun" and you're "gun" or many disgusting pairings that I'll refrain from exploring. But I might try flipping it. Maybe, as another responder suggested, I should find a third alternative. And a fourth and so on, til I find the one that feels completely perfect.I like word/rhyme in the second position...sun/shine is good but you might find something better yet.Looking over the rest of the lyric...- FWIW I don't think "cuss" is a problem for any artist old enough to make out, much less cohabitate which seems clearly implied in the lyric- "I make up silly songs and sing way off key" could be a line you might consider changing, as most of Nashville's A list vocalists probably wouldn't want to brag about singing way of key, you know what I mean? - The rhyme scheme on the Pre Choruses doesn't match...your second PC rhymes understand with am...lines 1 and 2, ...but in PC 1 those same line end in smile and found and therefore don't rhyme.If possible I'd change the first PC to rhyme lines 1 and 2 as well, as the music is really "asking for" a rhyme there.- The "now" at the beginning of PC 2 seems like a filler word...there's nothing in the rest of the lyrics that would indicate why you just came to that understanding/realization at that particular point in the song.All nit picks, but you know how picky top publishers and artists can be...I would only fix these things if you can do so without changing everything that works so well in this song, which for me, is pretty much everything except the things I mentioned . But when you look hard enough there's almost always a solution.HTH,matto

[ckbarlow]

Matto -- all great points -- and most of which I'd rationalized to myself in some way or another... ... which means I oughtta look at them again now that I can step back a little. Thanks for taking the time.