First draft--comments?

[heinsite]

this tune was actually inspired by the other forum thread on losing jobs and the economy, and of course i took it a bit further...LOL...here's a very rough first draft, ignore the drum machine if you can--shouldn't even be there, must have been bored...i'm most concerned about the lyrics/subject. don't think it fits right now in any genre except maybe folk/alt, but i don't often write "to" or "for" specific listings.what i'd like to know is:--can you hear a viable idea here in the melody (this was my second take on the lead, and i actually lost the melody a few times, as you'll hear....lots of other warts...--lyrically any good?--it may sound too "familiar?" in style to something else, though of course i don't knowingly copy anything....thanks, you'll find it titled You're Not Alone (work) on my site page down there in orange, lyrics follow:VerseYou lost your job, that's nothin' newCame home and shoved your wifeYou told her call a hearse for youBut she's smart, she chooses lifeIf you're ashamed put down that glassNo bud, this aint peachyA know it all who don't know crapYour coward's way is easyChorus (and repeat)Just because you fear the ticking of the clockDoesn't mean you need to stop itYou're not alone with your lousy luckThere are millions more who've lost itYou're not aloneYou're not aloneVerse 2You let these times bare down on youLike a Kenworth with no brakesYou act just like a wounded dogLicking your mistakesYou contemplate with alcoholAs if to make it easyYou feel there's nothing left to loseAs you load that magazineBridge'Cross town late tonight there's someone who still loves youBut she's no fool, she's had enough of nothing to hold on toOutro VerseIt still rings, pick up the phoneYou're still loved, you're not alongIt still rings, pick up the phoneYou're still loved, pick up the phoneBut for you it's hard to chooseWhich hand to useThe shaky one with the gunOr the steady one with the booze

[michael11]

This is very very powerful Warren and something a lot of people will relate to.I never offer comments on lyrics because I am the worlds worst lyricist, but as an idea,I would have liked to have thought the person would consider their children as a reason for not (checking out).This is going to be a great song!!!!

[deantaylor]

Warren,I like it. The lyric is good. The melody is good. And I think both will get a bit better as you refine it.Dean

[feaker]

WarrenGreat potential here bud.Lots of minor chords. (played along, dualing acoustics)A cowbell in the bridge? Like the harmony in "you're not alone"Lyrics are chilling.Hope to watch the amending process unfold.Paul

[heinsite]

thank you michael, dean and paul--those comments are encouraging--and thanks for UNDERSTANDING it's full of warts and hearing through it.hell, i'm not i even like it much yet, but allot of work to do.michael, the kid thing came to mind, but in my eye i saw this guy without any, but more heart tug factor may be where i need to go--i selfishly was in a place where this guy was, selfish. one line about kids is a good idea.thanks again guys, warren

[jchitty]

Warren, I agree with the folks here....your lyrics are powerful. But then again, they always are...you know I dig your unique style. I know this is only the first draft...I'd speed up your vocals and phrasing a bit....you've got a good voice, but I think you should put just a bit more energy into it. Other than that, this song has some great potential.

[heinsite]

thanks chits...LOL...hell, as i was singing it, i forgot the melody several times....yep, you are right on, thanks again dear for the listen--i hope all continues to be postive and well for YOU!warren

[jchitty]

May 8, 2009, 11:39am, heinsite wrote:thanks chits...LOL...hell, as i was singing it, i forgot the melody several times....yep, you are right on, thanks again dear for the listen--i hope all continues to be postive and well for YOU!warrenI'm doing great, Warren...I'm in my critiquing mode for the first time in months...I now have the energy and health to do them. Anyway, y'all have a good evening...I'm gonna go run some errands. And this evening, I'm going to see Star Trek with my Trekkie husband.

[eokamura]

Hey Warren - Nice heart felt lyric. I could hear this going in a very Beatle-y direction. Emphasize that melodic and harmonic shift going into the chorus with nice tight harmonies. Lots of production/arrangement potential. Good luck, have fun. eo.

[heinsite]

YES eo!yes, yes and yes, but i'm off on another one right now (two actually, some buddies are fixing the first one...LOL..) BUT thanks for recognizing the shift and you bet ya on the harmony.many many thanks for the listen/words--warrenps: damn chits, you have AGAIN, made my day with the progess report--as i said, kick ass, takes names--damn if we don't need to write a tune with that title someday...!xoxoxo to all.