On Our Porch Swing

[southpaw]

Hello,Heres one ive been working on recently. Throwing it on here get some feedback of where it stands for you guys and gals. I will hold off on the details that i was going to preface this track with, and just see what you folks have to say about it... *This is just a bounce from the raw mix. The production is still a bit rough in places, and some transitional editing stuff, yada.. I plan on doing a bit of polishing to er once ive finalized the structure and melody, which has changed about a DOZEN times now.... More focused on feedback on the song and composition as a whole, at this time.My ears, eyes, and mind are shot. Its 6:45 am now and have class soon, i should prbly try to get some rest.. Doh! Anyways, i was feeling pretty excited about this one, and i busted my hump on getting the right composition and vibe i had envisioned for it. Also the piano part was a pain in the butt since im a 'functional' (to be generous) pianist, this took me a whiiile. I think next time ill look around and try to hire that out. I always appreciate that i can count on you all to give it to me straight. Thanks again.Jamiehttp://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?ba ... t=music"On Our Porchswing"Written/Produced by: Jamie LegerSoundscope Productions 2009Verse ILookin' out the front porch window she cries all alone A-couple times around the roomthen sits to read the noteKicks the coffee tableshe's mad cuz shes not ableto talk over the phoneRibbons and postcards hung on the doorPuddles of tears on the floorChorusDry your eyes, dont let them cryNot on the ground but in the head you fightI know i been gone for a while, butWhats kept me alive is your smileDry your eyes my baby don't cryThis is our lifeEvery mile, every minuteEvery dark thought caught up in the middle of usIt doesn't keep me from, thinkin' ofSittin' just the two of uslast spring "On Our Porchswing"Verse IILookin' through a thin sheet of glassat the image attachedglued together to a faded brown consolejust under the dashNow he thinks less and lessof home cuz it adds stress, such a mess and theres barely any time to restBut he always carries hope in his pocketone half of their little girls locket

[ideascapes]

Hey Jamie,My comments are in brackets.Vince-------------------------------[Intro slightly long; guitar needs compression?]Verse ILookin' out the front porch window she cries all alone A-couple times around the roomthen sits to read the noteKicks the coffee tableshe's mad cuz shes not ableto talk over the phoneRibbons and postcards hung on the doorPuddles of tears on the floor [great couple of lines here]ChorusDry your eyes, dont let them cryNot on the ground but in the head you fightI know i been gone for a while, butWhats kept me alive is your smile [thought this was the title intially]Dry your eyes my baby don't cryThis is our lifeEvery mile, every minuteEvery dark thought caught up in the middle of usIt doesn't keep me from, thinkin' ofSittin' just the two of uslast [next or last?] spring "On Our Porchswing"[chorus is fairly meandering and it takes quite a while to get to the title, which is a pretty low payoff emotionally; there were times (I'm now writing this after having listened to the whole song 2x) when the harmonic support seemed to drop down noticeably--I imagine that was a production decision and seemed to work better when you pulled out the drums than when you dropped instruments; might just need a little volume adjustment]Verse IILookin' through a thin sheet of glassat the image attached[drums a little loud here]glued together to a faded brown consolejust under the dashNow he thinks less and lessof home cuz it adds stress, such a mess and theres barely any time to restBut he always carries hope in[side] his pocketone half of their little girls locket [little pitchy on the sustained vocal there][sounds like there was a bridge on the recording, but no lyric here][bass, piano, drums and vocals sound great][not sure about the e. guitar's contribution to the song; it interfered a couple of times to my ears][overall, really good song/production and the longish chorus grew on me by the end, which is a good sign for what is probably a non-standard form][liked the modulated string sound or whatever was happening at climaxes in the left speaker]

[billg]

Jamie, I think this is a pretty cool song. This is coming from a bass player so take it as such, but the style of the bass doesn't really seem to fit the "rootsy" nature of the song imo. I think a more organic approach is what's needed here. The bass is fine but the part sounds more like something from an 80's keyboard oriented group but the song sounds "country leaning" to me.

[matthoggard]

Jamie,Not too much to say for me except you have really put some passion and emotion in this song.There are a few small nits mainly agreeing with Bill on the bass line. This song could crossover easily between pop and country.Damn if I didnt get a little choked up listening to this. Is this inspired by your time overseas?Id like to hear full on country production of this. But your style is top notch as always.Thanks for sharing this.Matt

[feaker]

leftyReally like your voice. Gets lost a little in the chorus.Nice song.Paul

[eokamura]

Hi JamieI loved the verses more than I loved the chorus. As was stated earlier i think the chorus takes a while to get to the payoff. Not crazy about the big, distorted electric guitars. Maybe a cleaner, chimier tone with some chorus and delay panned left and right? And although I really liked some aspects of this production I think it could work really well as a more stripped down, rootsy kind of song. Your ace in the hole though is that you have a great voice. Overall I think your on to something here. eo.

[yammer107]

Nice Jamie Ive always liked what I call the George Martin 'contrabass creep' on Beatles songs.... perhaps its a Viola, etc you have on the intro. Vocals great as usual. I also felt the guitars were a little busy on the chorus, or just too 'cutting' a tone choice. Considering your not done mixing you'll probably pull together just fine. Chris

[derekmcfarland]

I'm quickly becoming a fan!I'm hearing some Bruce Hornsby in this one. I agree with most that the hook is a long time coming (1:37 before first mention), which would be a concern if you are "country leaning."Love the voice!Derek

[lyricboy]

Jamie... WOW. I love your voice. (Agree with above on the little bit o' Hornsby.)I love so many things about this song.FABULOUS on the transition in the later (lyrics not included above) chorus to NEXT spring as opposed to the LAST spring listed for earlier in the song. If not intentional, I'd do it that way. Nice positive upswing.GREAT emotional content throughout."But he always carries hope in his pocketone half of their little girls locket"Tells a LOT of story. He NEEDED to take that with him, but his wife (or daughter) has kept fierce hold of the other half. Super.I agree with most of what was stated above, too. Let the vocals stand out more in the foreground of the Chorus.I have a couple of suggestions lyrically. Sorry, I can't help it. Ignore anything that doesn't sound right. Kicks the coffee tableshe's mad cuz shes not ableto talk over the phone[Maybe "to get him on the phone". Not able to talk over the phone conjures a lot of questions in my mind.]Ribbons and postcards hung on the doorPuddles of tears on the floor[Maybe "Another teardrop falls to the floor". Softer imagery.]ChorusDry your eyes, dont let them cryNot on the ground but in the head you fightI know i been gone for a while, butWhats kept me alive is your smileDry your eyes my baby don't cryThis is our lifeEvery mile, every minuteEvery dark thought caught up in the middle of us[For some reason I'd like it better if the 1st line and 5th line were swapped. The 5th is the stronger, I think.][2nd line, maybe "You're not here, but I know you fight" or something more conversational... less wordy.][and "caught up in the middle of us" feels more right to me as "Caught up in the middle of it". First, it rhymes perfectly. Secondly, it externalizes the problems. The problems are "it" not "us".]Now he thinks less and lessof home cuz it adds stress, such a mess[another possibility: "of home, it's too much stress, such a mess".]Hope those aren't too nitpicky. The little word subtleties are just "my thing".Love the song. Can't wait to hear the final.lyricboy

[wignelson]

I think this is a great production, Jamie. Wish I could put out something as nice and tight as this in my studio, but I can't.Love the vocals. I hear Hornsby, too in this song.I think everything has a place to sit in this mix.Most of it is very well done.What I don't care for is the weird vox in the beginning and as far as the lyrics, I have to say I'm lost.I'm not the brightest bulb in the chanellier and don't really know what this is all about. Did they lose their baby girl? Where is the hope? Why hasn't he been around in a while? Why is he going to be back next spring on the porch swing?I'm sorry, I'm just lost. Why ribbons and post cards on the door? I'm trying to figure out what that is. A party? Why can't she talk on the phone?Life is just one big mystery for me. I'm lyrically challenged. You are one talented dude. Wish I had a clue what you're singing about.I'm sure it's just me. The lyrics probably make total sense.Wig