Feedback please: "Real Cowboys"

[jonathanm]

Fair warning: really bad recording. Will be re-done in pro studio if song is submitted.Hey guys. I need your feedback on this song. Please try to look past the recording, as it will be re-cut professionally (with a female singer). I'm just mainly wanting to tweak the tune and words before I put the money into a demo. Your expert opinion is valuable. Thanks for your help!Here's the listing:S090109CONEO-TRADITIONAL COUNTRY SONGS a la SUNNY SWEENEY are sought after by a VERY successful Independent Record Label in Nashville. This label has released projects from such stars as Taylor Swift, Trisha Yearwood, Jack Ingram, etc. You might think of Loretta Lynn, with a modern and youthful twist - add a little taste of Miranda Lambert and you'll get the idea for what the vision is for this project. This artist has depth in her voice and overall approach, but is in her late twenties and likes to tell stories with "tongue and cheek" humor. Deep, meaningful and moving lyrics will be considered as well. Memorable hooks, clever and compelling lyric stories will really make the difference here. Female perspectives and vocals only, please!For some of Sunny Sweeney's stuff, check out "If I Could":





GA_googleFillSlot("336x280_ROS");
Here's the song:"Real Cowboys"© 2008 Jonathan Meraz, Amanda AkermanCHORUS:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you;I seen ‘em tossin’ little calves around the way they do,But, honey, you take them to school when it comes to tossin’ ‘round that bull,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.VERSE:Now, you like to think you ain’t a dude,But you’re sittin’ in that corner office, wearin’ Armani suits,So Friday nights you grab a hat and boots,And cowboy up from head to toe, but all the cowgirls know—CHORUS:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you,They got them rugged hundred percent cowhide leather boots,Well, your soul ain’t gen-u-ine real, but you’re number one when it comes to heel,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.INSTRUMENTAL LEADVERSE:Now, honey, I know all the games you play,And my head keeps telling me I need to send you on your way,But my heart says, “Oh, no! Make him stay!”So this cowgirl’s firing up to brand an uptown city man.CHORUS:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.I seen ‘em do some mighty fancy tricks with that ol’ lass-ooo,But, babe, I shake my head and grin when I think of how you roped me in,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you, yeah,Babe, I shake my head and grin when I think of how you roped me in,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.

[billg]

Got an error when I tried to play the song . . . it's not you (i don't think) it's a problem with my 'puter.

[jonathanm]

Dec 24, 2008, 11:15am, billg wrote:Got an error when I tried to play the song . . . it's not you (i don't think) it's a problem with my 'puter.That's happening a lot, Bill. What's the error message? Mebbe we can figure it out.

[jonathanm]

Is everyone else having difficulty listening to this? Did I goof something up?

[ideascapes]

jonathan,Song loaded and played fine for me--I think the servers just get busy sometimes (although TAXI's seems to be very reliable).Clever lyric and the quickie production just made me want to hear a pro version even more!There were a few places that the lyric sounded forced--musical accents that didn't match the way the word is really spoken/accented (percent; genuine; losso--although that rhyme is clever). This song seems to have a tongue-in-cheek feel, so you might get away with it.Musically, the verse sounds more like a bridge to me, with the way you go to the dominant 7th before the first line and you go to the IV chord at the beginning. Don't think you need to change it necessarily, but my ear noted it.I did listen to the Sunny Sweeney example and she uses that fast tempo and clever phrasing to make the song more interesting. Have you thought about speeding up your song? Right now, it is fairly bland musically and the quicker pace could add some interest.This probably sounds like a negative review, but it's really not. I tend not to listen to a ton of country music because I find it musically not very interesting, but the more contemporary stuff catches my ear a little more.Merry Christmas!Vince

[claire]

I'm just looking at the song lyrically. You want to be absolutely certain that your hook is clear and understandable to your listeners. Looking at the lyric it feels as if the hook is "Real Cowboys Got Nothin' On You" and for me, that's a confusing hook. The guy in the song is a liar and a heel and not a nice man, so how do real cowboys got nothin' on him? I'm trying to work this out for myself, so bear with me. Is it because they can do all kinds of fancy things with roping and riding but he can do even fancier things with lying and being a heel? Real cowboys can't ever be as big of a jerk as he is? Real cowboys can never be as hurtful as he is? I'm still confused. Cowboys are revered in country music. They're strong and silent and they've been hurt and they respect their mamas and I can't remember the last song I listened to where "real cowboys" were portrayed in anything but a good light. We can chalk this up to my totally missing the point of the hook, but if I'm missing it as an ordinary listener, other people are going to miss it too.I know I'm meandering here, but before you invest in demo time and expense, you want to be sure you're saying what you're saying in the most direct way. It's been a very long time since a country song began with a chorus - that was big in the 90s but not now. Maybe it's time to bring it back?I'm getting there. In the first verse he THINKS he's a cowboy even though he wears designer clothes and sits in an office but he gets dressed up like a cowboy, however...into the hook...real cowboys got nothing on you. That works for me.The second verse has nothing to do with your hook. The second verse might work as a bridge, but not as a verse leading back into the hook. Second verse (for me) would be describing him and his cowboy fetish a bit more. Maybe he drives a cowboy car (a Jeep?) or maybe he likes to watch the rodeo on tv or something, but the verse lyric needs to be direct to the hook.Haven't had my coffee yet. If this all sounds dorky, it's lack of caffeine doing it Claire

[jonathanm]

Hey, folks, thanks for the feedback so far. Haven't had time to digest it yet (much like Christmas dinner ), so I'll post thoughts a bit later. Further feedback from all members of the crew is welcome when you get a chance. Thanks again.

[jonathanm]

Alright. I'm back from Christmas travels, and have had time to digest the feedback. Vince and Claire, thanks for the insightful comments. I'm tucking away the smaller tweaks you mentioned that it needs and zeroing in on one very disturbing (for me) contrast between your comments.I'm a bit undecided on how to proceed; I've got two well-respected forum members feeding back with one seeming to get the tongue-in-cheekness (is that a word?) of the lyric and the other not getting it, but not having had her morning java. I don't know whether to change it or not.How's everyone else feel about it? Was Claire right-on, or needing a good strong cup of joe? Was Vince using his superpower mindreading skills to decipher the lyric, or is it plain to most? Whadya think?Thanks, guys.Jonathan

[lsp]

Hi Jonathan,I agree with Claire. It is vital that your lyric sound conversational, says exactly what you want to say and paints mental pictures that engage the listener and pulls them into the story.If you have to explain what the lyric means, you need to rewrite.It's hard to do, especially in this genre.Good Luck....

[toddt]

Hi Jonathan,Standard I'm not a country person disclaimer, but for the record I do "get" the lyrics, and I think it's a clever idea and well handled, although I do see how if you heard them in passing or read them quickly you could easily get the wrong idea - but there are many successful songs like that One small thing - if it was more of an adult/rock type song than country, you'd probably have one or two verses to introduce the story before hammering in the chorus. To me it might make it easier to understand if you had some of this preamble/intro (i.e. shifting the armani verse) in order to paint the character as not being a real cowboy, before saying "real cowboys got nothing on you..." etc Don't know if that's acceptable/appropriate/etc for country, and it's probably more a matter of style than one of importance...?Good luck with it.tt