Feedback please: "Real Cowboys"

[jonathanm]

Thanks to all for the feedback. I've been heads-down re-working and recording it. Didn't have time to send it to a pro studio, so I gathered some friends and recorded it at home. Vince. thanks for the nudge to speed it up. It's a boot-scootin' 217bpm now. Claire, thanks for pointing out the disconnect between the 2nd verse and the rest of the song. I think the first verse now sets up the situation that he's interested in her, but she sees through him.There still may be some difficulty in getting the gag in this song, but I'm hoping that the "Real cowboys" line will indicate to most that he's, by contrast, NOT a real cowboy, and she's giving him backhanded compliments .Here's the version I submitted yesterday to the listing.The revised lyrics are below.Real Cowboys© 2008 Jonathan Meraz, Amanda AkermanVerse 1:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you;I seen ‘em tossin’ little calves around the way they do,But, honey, you take them to school when it comes to tossin’ ‘round that bull,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.Bridge 1:Now, you don't want me thinkin' you're a dude,But you’re sittin’ in that corner office, wearin’ Armani suits,So Friday nights you grab a hat and boots,And cowboy up from head to toe, but all us cowgirls know—Verse 2:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you,They got them rugged hundred percent cowhide leather boots,Well, your soul ain’t gen-u-ine real, but you’re number one when it comes to heel,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.INSTRUMENTAL LEADBridge 2:Now, honey, I know all the games you play,And my head keeps telling me, "Darlin', send him on his way,"But my heart says, “Oh, no! Make him stay!”So this cowgirl’s firing up to brand an uptown city man.Verse 3:Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.I seen ‘em do some mighty fancy tricks with that ol’ lass-ooo,But, babe, I shake my head and grin when I think of how you roped me in,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you, yeah,Babe, I shake my head and grin when I think of how you roped me in,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you,Real cowboys got nothin’ on you.

[jonathanm]

Oh, and one other bit of thanks to Vince for pointing out that this is really 3-verse form with bridges instead of choruses and verses.

[kitz]

I like the swing of this tune. Bridge 1 confuses me lyrically. I'm not sure I get that part. The lyrics are catchy but not consistent IMO.Now, you don't want me thinkin' you're a dude,But you’re sittin’ in that corner office, wearin’ Armani suits,So Friday nights you grab a hat and boots,And cowboy up from head to toe, but all us cowgirls know—Maybe if you switched But in the second line with So in the third that might help - just a thought.The production is dull but the potential of the song is great IMO. I love Texas swing and I love the way this piece moves. I kind of have an issue with there not being one strong hooky chorus but do like the idea you present. I think the fiddle and guitar are ok but not great.I think this tune has great potential but I think it needs a lot more work in the area of production and lyric.I really like the last 3 lines on the bridge 2.Hope this helps.KitzKitz

[jonathanm]

Thanks, kitz.Re: the production, I didn't have time to send it out and just had to make do. Since this listing is not for a finished recording, I'm hoping the production is sufficient to get the idea across.The idea in the first bridge with the word "but" is that he doesn't want to be thought of as a dude, but he is, as evidenced by the office and suit. I'll take another look at it. Maybe I need to reverse the ideas in the first two lines, a la: he's sitting in the office, but doesn't want to be thought of as a dude.Thanks for the kudos on bridge 2.Jonathan

[kitz]

Good Luck with it!! I'm from Texas and just love Texas swing so what your working on really appeals to me. Again I think it would benefit if you could build a strong chorus for the listener to fall into. By the way - have you heard Robert Earle Keene's older tunes. Not so much swing but lyrically a wonderful enigma. Or Willis Allen Ramsey (lyrical genius in my book).Love the feel - keep at it!!Kitz

[jonathanm]

Thanks, kitz. Ramsey's a genius, no doubt. Just yt'ed some of Keene's stuff...love the swagger in his delivery.Thanks again.

[billg]

I'd be terrified to submit anything to a country listing, it seems to be the sure way to have something nit-picked to it's death. I like the song & I get what you're doing lyrically . . . good luck!

[jonathanm]

Thanks, Bill. I've always liked your stuff, and I value your opinion.Country does get a pretty close examination on the lyrics and form, but no worries. It's just a song. The feedback is really helpful, and with enough of it, it's easy to separate the real problems from those things that are just personal preference. And, hey, even the personal preference stuff yields some good ideas. Thanks to all of you for the input. Good stuff.

[devin]

I like this tune as well...although I'm also not qualified to chime in on how to do "country" (as much as I may enjoy it, I can't seem to make it very well).One thing that always rings true for me is getting enough lift in the chorus so folks say "hey, that's the chorus right there!" If you send this out, ask for their help in making the chorus "pop".I also like the hook...good luck!

[jonathanm]

Jan 13, 2009, 8:31am, devin wrote:One thing that always rings true for me is getting enough lift in the chorus so folks say "hey, that's the chorus right there!"Good note, Dev.While there's really not a chorus, the hook does lie in the repeated parts of the verses, and that needs to pop, like you mentioned. Perhaps an easy way to do that is to add a BGV on the verses.