First Draft--new Folk tune, comments please

[jonathanm]

Good stuff here, Warren. I think it's a really strong story.Nice line about safety glass. The careful listener will get that joke.In the line "they drew his final breath", I understand you're punning "draw" with chalk against "draw" breath, but the pun seems a bit awkward. Perhaps consider "where HE drew his final breath," so that the pun comes out a bit more.You might consider something else in the "movie set" line, as it does sound a bit forced (ironically, as you mentioned), and there's nothing prior to it that would make the listener think this was a movie set anyway.The lunatic line is great because it says so much."she told the cop she tried to stop": nice inside rhyme. Can this type of thing be done in v1 and v3? You've already got the makings of it in v3 with wild/smile, but you'd need some re-arrangement of the wording to make the meter work out."She fell to her knees..." seems to work against the meaning of the chorus, which is that no one cared.Love the chorus. The line that seems a bit out of place is "just a blanket..." coming right after "no next of kin to notify". The way it reads now, the blanket was the only next-of-kin to notify. Maybe it should be replaced with the coroner being the only one they notified: "...just the coroner downtown".V3 is great because it reveals that, in fact, the traffic incident was not the accident...reinforcing the fact that the only accident in the story was the guy on the ground.The one thing you may want to look at is the time line painted; the first two lines are after the traffic incident, and the last two are just before it.Since the first line really continues the thought begun in the chorus, you could say you're giving the listener no new information by it.Maybe you could use the beginning of v3 to tell us more about him by giving contrast to the theme of the chorus, a la: It was no accident he was on drugs, homeless, jobless or whatever he was. That leads us to the 3rd line in which you clearly tell us his death was no accident.OK, that's a lot of stuff to consider, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea. You've definitely got a good tune and compelling story here. Good job, W.

[jonathanm]

BTW, I enjoyed the "yellow line" in the recording more than the "center line" in the typed lyrics; more visual. nice job, man.

[heinsite]

holy cow jonathan!i am truly honored that you too have taken the time--and "get"--the tune and it's minushka (sp--i'm on quicky reply) of "lines"...LOL...and man, between you and Ellen, i gots allot of thinking to do--now the honesty part--i do not often change much, but both of you have some VERY valid points that i will consider...the time frame thing i'll answer now, i did it on purpose, just to spin it differently. because the tune is very common in music and meter/folk (hell, i had to be careful, it's almost TOO common...) i felt i had to mix it up a bit...but i get all you are saying. and yes,,,allot to digest, but the yellow line line line line...was rewritten to the "center", but i've been listening more and do like the yellow, so yep it will stay...the other thing that jumps out if that the blanket MAY be too a kin to the kin line...i will think about that one too--but man, thank you again, being a non-musician, i rarely get into more than a few things in a tune, and you took the time to give me a custom critique!! i'm sending you a virtual brew, or glass of wine, or your drink of choice...all the best,warren

[jonathanm]

Well, it's a really good piece. And in regards to not acting on all of the feedback, that's expected; you gotta write it the way you feel it. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to listen and respond.Make mine a virtual A&W frosty mug!

[billg]

This is good stuff Warren . . . It's out there . . . but very cool. You could be like the songwriter version of Edgar Allen Poe!

[heinsite]

ah shucks billy, i'm really a very whimsical dude--damn, now that i'm back in a writing mood, maybe i should write a "Raffi" type 'o tune...oh, may i quote you, never more?? LOL...the best,wh

[heinsite]

ok johnny, A&W it is!!wh

[jonathanm]

*slurp*Hey, look, I've got a foam mustache

[feaker]

WarrenA forward and now this. Pretty soon you will be out of my league.Sounds like the responses in the life cereal. "they like it, they like it Mikey"Classic Warren that is for sure. You are much less pitchy all of a sudden. I'm impressed.Love the song and the guitar chinking:) That's all you need pal to lay it down.Hard to get them to sound good with no background, fills etc. You did pull that off.Will be exciting to hear this baby develope.ps. I am working on a song that I have placed a warrenism in already:)Paul

[erandall]

Hi againI wanted to second what Jonathan said earlier...I listened to your song a few times and then again a few times because I liked it. I think it could get a little better, but if I hadn't have liked it in the first place, I wouldn't have bothered with the critique. So, you have to take the suggestions that make sense to you and forget the rest. It's your song. Also, I like your voice on this song. I'm not sure why you're so down on it. You don't sound like a demo singer, but I don't think that's always a bad thing.Cheers,Ellen