My Father - is it good, how would you produce it?

[wrdsnmuzik]

no big comments, no suggestions, just . . . I like it. gw

[cjdenecia]

dean ....some notes ... regarding lyrical/melodic flow ... take it or leave it ... just some ideas gathered over another listen ...Time takes a dive through the tears in my eyesMy father is lying there dead(these 3rd lines are the real stumblers ... the flow is disjointed, the ened on happened is killing ya)I know what has happened, but do not believe‘Cause I see him standing insteadI see the times he threw me the ballThe crack of a bat, football in fall(same here - tho it's smoother with less syllables in this one)When I hear a voice, I know (that) it’s himTeaching me things over againCHORUSMy father and I, my father the manMy father will always be thereMy father’s big handI know I will shake it again(I hate to suggest changing your thoughts in the chorus but man and hand are very hard to pull off as a line end.)My father the man, my father and Imy father would always be therehis strong hand and minewill someday touch once againor something similar .... VERSEDelusion is sweet. It’s my candy denial (I too don't understand this line but it does sing well)I’m standing right next to him(here again - just too many sylls, it's rushed, forced and uncomfortable)This is a true vision. Consciousness lies(this one is tough - to sing those tongue twisters, you gotta flow well or change the too tall to something simplier)He is much too tall to have died(this is very much the same - tongue twister .. taught me to drive ... ya gotta nail it or dump it, slurring just a bit helps sometimes)I'm there the day he taught me to driveI feel the wheel, and my joy inside(these stark hard consonants - they don't flow well ... find third gear)When I find third gear, still smooth on the clutch(the o-old is a good thought but in this spot, I'd suggest naming it ... driving the ol' chevy truck or better yet "in his ol' chevy truck) Driving his o-old pickupCHORUSBRIDGEA pull on my line, there’s no better funI smell the salt. I am his sonWe’re watching a big redfish runCHORUSCHORUS (optional)TAGIn the rippled salt water by a setting sunWe’re still watching that redfish runfood for thought.

[deantaylor]

Thanks CJ. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave some detailed thoughts.Geoffry, thanks for commenting. Some people don't bother to say anything if they don't have much to say, but to me, it is always valuable to hear what everyone feels, even if you just say I LIKE IT. Because if lots of people like a song, but they don't post, how is the songwriter to know this. He/She may think the song needs work because the only posts are critical.Dean

[Casey H]

Hi DeanI only have a few comments. You've written a very pretty, heart-warming, and, I'm assuming, personal song. The trick would be finding a genre and market for it. It would never pass high-bar country, not because it's bad but because it isn't nearly stellar. So where does it fit? It's not just production, it's also the subject matter which probably only works in country or folk, definitely not pop/rock.Aside: If you can, when you post a song link, post a link whereby you can slide the player back and forth in time. It makes reviewing and commenting much easier.I thought "My father is lying there dead" was a little too stark and could be a turn off at the start. Maybe there is a softer, more creative way to say that.In the chorus, I wouldn't repeat "My father" in the 2nd line. Three in a row seems like too much.The parts in between sections with guitar notes only are "too empty" and kill the energy as the song moves from section to section... especially 2x the pattern. When you are coming out of the verse, set up for the chorus, the energy just dies when it needs to grow. First verse and chorus are the deal setter/breakers.HTHJMHOand all those other abbr. Casey

[gburgess]

I agree with CJ when he says "I think this song might have a better overall vibe with a piano." GB