Staring Out The Window (UPDATE)

[geo]

Hey Vicky the bassplayer, you're a junior member now (and obviously know your stuff) you can stop saying I'm new around here !!! Geo

[audiorayne]

Thanks so much everyone for your comments. There's a couple things I'd like to elaborate or get clarification on for what has been said so far…- Vicky and Casey both commented on the guitar intro – are you referring to the two bars at the top with just the guitar, or do you include the first vocal passages before the kick comes in as well? I was thinking I’d maybe put the first four bars of the chorus at the beginning (up until “but I’m staring out the window again”) to replace the bare guitar and then come right in with the first verse as is. Worth a try, or is the first vocal section (the “why did I have to break” section) too “folky”?- The lyric “break” can be interpreted to mean that I (narrator, or “the dude” in the song) lost my temper, or that I otherwise took a “break” from my normal behaviour, that wasn’t in line with the way she wanted me to be. I like to leave things open to interpretation, and I think that line is kind of memorable, but at the same time I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot here, so if you think that line is more confusing than memorable, let me know. Note that “breaking” is brought up again in the bridge.- On that same note – I was thinking I would change the “what is life but falling dust” to “what is happiness for us” because falling dust is kind of pessimistic and doesn’t really make sense (if you’re sober ), which may be too vague. What do you think?- I agree about the ending. A short (couple bars) wrap-up with the guitar right after the last chorus would fit better.- Casey recommended putting more emphasis on the title/hook – glad you mentioned that because I was actually worried I’d put too much repetition in there! (The phrase “Staring out the window” is repeated in the first verse, the bridge, and twice in the main chorus.) What I think I’ll do with respect to shortening is take out the second 8-bar measure in the second chorus (the one starting with “I wish I knew you’d love me tomorrow”). That way it’s shorter and there is more focus on the title line right there. I can also play with the instrumental part (glad you liked it by the way!) to put the title line in there as well.- I think the point of critiquing is to focus on what could be better, so keep the comments coming if you have ‘em! I also don’t mind being compared with Nickelback. Too bad they write their own music and use mostly heavy guitars. Curses!Cheers,-AR

[Casey H]

Quote:- Casey recommended putting more emphasis on the title/hook – glad you mentioned that because I was actually worried I’d put too much repetition in there! Well, they say in popular music, "repetition is everything." That doesn't mean you should say the same line in the verse and chorus, just that you want that key hook line stuck in people's heads as the thing they remember when they walk away from it... Casey

[audiorayne]

Quote:Regardless of what one Music Library thinks, this song is DEFINATELY a keeper. IMHO Thanks questor! It's good to get a thumbs up! -AR

[questor]

Quote:- I think the point of critiquing is to focus on what could be better, so keep the comments coming if you have ‘em! I also don’t mind being compared with Nickelback. Too bad they write their own music and use mostly heavy guitars. Curses!Cheers,-AROkay, with the above in mind I am gonna throw out my opinion of one part of this great song that I think is the weakest link in the chain of the melody. I am not trying to be overly critical, because this is probably just me....however, maybe the artist or others here have thought something similar, so maybe there will be a (partial) consensus or maybe it will just be me...Anyway, this section seems to start off good, but then the melody gets choppy nears the end, choppy meaning it doesn't quitre flow like the rest of the song...What is faith for you?You had my trustBut now I’m staring asYou walk away from us What is fear for me?You took my loveI’m sorry that I brokeIt’s what I feared the mostI mean, I like this section, it breaks up the song nicely, but those last couple of line (especially the underlined words) seem to lose the flow (sort of like they are awkward in some respect).Anyway, it's just my two cents. The whole song (including this section) is very nice...I am just trying to focus in on what I think could be stronger. Again, this song is a keeper. I have listened to it many times already. Also, I am new here, so you can easily chalk up my critique to me not knowing what I am talking about.

[audiorayne]

Wow, I messed this reply up! (Apparently I've forgotten how to work teh internets ) See next post...

[audiorayne]

Quote:Also, I am new here, so you can easily chalk up my critique to me not knowing what I am talking about. Just because you're new on the forum doesn't mean you know squat about music! I appreciate your thoughts! Sometimes it takes a good set of outside ears (whether they've made 2 posts, or 2000) to pick out things that never would have crossed my mind.. which is the case here. I've read a few times that after being mired in a mix it's good to take a couple weeks away from it to give yourself some perspective before jumping back in. I haven't quite hit the two week mark yet but when I do I'll be able to make some objective and useful fixes to this beast. Thanks again!Cheers,-ARP.S. Geo - I'm thrilled to hear that your wife liked it too!