Need more feedback: Boo Hoo, 0 for 1

[plaincountry]

I added a little prelude to the song in the hope of adding clarity and a little variety. I have in mind a simple arpeggio behind the prelude and then go right in to the song. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like your opinion (especially those who agreed with the TAXI critique) as to whether this clarifies the confusion or just adds to it. Thanks Where Were You?© Steven B. HickmanThis (Bm) light in your eyes, I've never (Em) seen beforeThough once (A) upon a time, I thought love was (D) mine.Now there's (Bm) not much left of meI've been (Em) used and then set freeSo my (Am) only question is...(Em)Where...(A) Were...(D) You?Where were you when the moon began to shine only on her?Where were you when I thought she was the only girl on this earth?Where were you when I crossed the shore into that wondrous sea called love?Where were you? Oh girl, where were you?‘Cause here I am just a broken man, but lady you have given me hope But please understand, I bet all my heart on love so baby right now I'm broke But I know in time, and with all I see in you one day I'll begin to trust But where were you when I fell in love?(Chorus)If I had known you then you could have saved this heart of mineYou could have rescued me from all the hurt I'd feel in time. If I had known you from the startYou could have always had my heart ‘Cause I know forever you'd be true.Oh where were you? ‘Cause without trust, no matter you try, girl it’s gonna be hard,‘Cause you can't love when you feel so insecure, you always gotta put up your guardBut you seem to me to be everything I need and girl I can’t believe my luckBut where you, when I fell in love.(Repeat Chorus)

[devin]

Hey Steven...it's nice to meet you, as you're on the same path as alot of the really fine folks here in terms of writing better and more approachable songs. I absolutely loved Jason Blume's book, and also the "101 songwriting wrongs" book by the Luboff's. (There are Taxi forum folks that know and work with both sets of authors by the way...now how cool is that?!?).I'll give my $0.02 here as well...and please remember it's only that.Even with the new intro, I'm confused by your first verse. It seems you're asking a new girl, the second girl in your life I think, why she wasn't around when you fell for the first girl, the first girl who ended up being the wrong girl? It took me 3 reads to even get this far...let me know if I got it right?I'd like to see if I'm picking up on the correct things you're trying to share.P.S. And Cam:Nov 2, 2008, 9:26am, cameron wrote:If you've posted here I'm assuming you want honest feedback and not just a slap on the back telling you that you're great. Believe me, I'm pulling for every person here to have a breakthrough hit, but I don't want to BS people either. Dang dang dang!!! That's as a good a summary of your intent as I've EVER read from anyone, anywhere.I'm quoting you and printing it on the back of my "Listen to Dave" shirt.

[plaincountry]

Nov 6, 2008, 4:57am, devin wrote:Even with the new intro, I'm confused by your first verse. It seems you're asking a new girl, the second girl in your life I think, why she wasn't around when you fell for the first girl, the first girl who ended up being the wrong girl? Well, you hit it right on the head, but if it took you three tries then I've still missed the mark. It's a song about a guy who is basically on the rebound and happens to find the opportunity for genuine love. Unfortunately, he's still feeling the effects of his previous heartbreak, so he's not sure he's up for the task and he wants the new girl to know that. As a result, he asks where were you?But that explanation isn't all that musical is it? Anxious to hear what others think, because if all of you agree that the story and lyrics are a 4 out of 10, I've got big problems in judgment that I need to work on.

[claire]

It it were me, at this point, I'd rewrite the entire lyric. Sometimes the harder you work on making something clear by using very similar words as the previous version, it just gets even more unclear. Rewriting often means dumping the lyric, keeping the idea, and rewriting the whole thing. If you feel the idea has merit and you want to explore it further, that would be my suggestion.Why don't you put this version - and the original - aside and rewrite the song with a completely new lyric. The idea is that you wish you'd known this woman back when you fell in love with the first woman. Maybe you could do a comparison-type lyric (you're warm, she's cold, you love to be touched, she doesn't want me to hold her, etc. etc. and it makes me wonder...where were you when I thought I was falling in love? where were you when I gave up my heart too soon? etc. that sort of thing). Put faces to these two women so we get to know them.It's not the idea that's unclear - it's the lyric. Claire

[devin]

I eyed Taxi for over three years, while I built my little recording room in the corner of the basement. I scoured the listings, and networked with old/new collaborators as I practiced songwriting.Then in the fall of 2007, I wrote the perfect song. PERFECT!!!! Everyone was amazed! People sent me tracks to mix in! The internet choked up with all the e-mails! Ex-girlfriends found me on Facebook! So with this perfect song, I joined Taxi, and wrote my resignation letter for my day gig.I got returned. Every time. 5 times, actually.So I'm re-reading my books, and putting stuff up here, and am now very appreciative of the feedback I get from these good folks...cause, dang, I need it. (and if you really want a laugh, I'll post tune #001 next time).Now that I've shared my trip, I hope I can pass on one REALLY BIG learning for me.I'd venture it isn't as much a "problem in judgment" as you mentioned in your post, as it could be "you already know the story" as Claire already said. You've got all the background already laid out for this story, because you've created it (or, if like me, because you've lived part of it ). When you go to share this puzzle, you can choose any pieces you want...and because you know where the piece fits, it makes sense.The rest of the world is going to see your first pieces exactly as you make them, without the context of the story. We're going to immediately try and put the first few together, 'cause that's our job. We don't have the box cover to tell us where the first pieces go...and we don't know your picture unless we 'get' all the pieces, and arrange them.Dang...I wish I could explain this better (sorry!).In Country especially, the pieces have to be:- big and easy to handle- unique so they are worth holding on to- quickly put together to start to show the picture- after only 4 pieces, it has to be a picture worth seeing- easily hook together with unbelieveable strengthSorry if I appear preachy or "oversimplificating"...this has been such a huge journey for me, I'm passionate when I can finally share just a bit that has managed to sink in.But listen to Claire, and Dave, and Anne, and Cam, and Matt...seriously, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone working harder than these folks at their' craft. THAT much I know Just my $0.02...

[claire]

Just my $0.02...That's a pretty good 2 cents! Your five points make sense and if you look at country song lyrics, from the most inane to the most amazing, they're all very easy to understand and they all say what they say in unique ways. Whether they're story songs or emotional songs, you know immediately what's going on. The writing may sound simple but let me tell you, the hardest thing to do is to write a lyric that sounds like it wasn't written, like it was just something someone said that happened to rhyme in all the right places. The best of the country writers make you wonder why you didn't think of saying whatever it was they just said, because it's so obvious you want to kick yourself for not having thought of it first.

[plaincountry]

Boy... you guys are hard crowd to please. Well, I've got to tell you, I still like this song, I still think its clear, and I still think its a sentiment worth expressing, but I can't deny that your observations and advice do ring true. The scenario is clear in my mind because I went through something like this, and I asked myself the very same question (Where were you?). I've heard sappy and trite songs before, and I certainly didn't think mine was that (nor do I at this point), but by the quality of your advice and observations, you certainly know more than I do about songwriting and about what it takes to get forwarded through TAXI. Very well then.... Back to the drawing board. I'll suck it up and dig deeper...It's in there somewhere. Thanks for the great advice.Steve

[claire]

We're not the crowd you're working to please, Steve. We're just a bunch of writers on a Taxi forum. The crowd you're working to please, if you're writing country music, is the publishing establishment, all the A&R departments, the managers and the artists themselves. All of those people can pick and choose from the most amazing songwriters in town, and that's your competition - and mine too. Your song is not sappy, nobody said it was. It's not trite, nobody said it was. What we've said is that to someone who has never heard the song before and who doesn't have a lyric sheet to go by, the lyric is confusing. I understand that the scenario is clear in your mind but so far it hasn't been clear in anyone else's mind at first listen or first read. That should tell you something. Good luck with it and keep on writing.Claire

[matthoggard]

Its like digging a tree root out of the ground for me. I dig and pull that thing out and think ive got it all but a couple weeks late theirs that damn sapling growing up again. So back to the shovel or chainsaw. I get more of it out but its still not all of it. If you want that thing out you gotta keep breaking ground.Unfortunately, and this is very true with me. You get every bit of that root but its not the one you really wanted to begin with. My point is, sometimes the song we work hard on and love may not be one that is going to make the difference. I once had Pat Luboff personally critique 1 of our songs. Shs said, "youve got a really nice song here"." But when YOU listen to it do you REALLY feel that its the ONE?"Sometimes we have to know when a song needs to go on the shelf and wait either for more inspiration or our concession that its time to move on to another.Ive got some 15 songs that I think are amazing but I know wont be good enough. So they will go on my double live studio remaster album I like your song and I think it has potential. If your heart tells you to keep going with it then do it. Youve got a great start.Keep us updated.M~

[matthoggard]

Nov 6, 2008, 8:36am, plaincountry wrote:Nov 6, 2008, 4:57am, devin wrote:Even with the new intro, I'm confused by your first verse. It seems you're asking a new girl, the second girl in your life I think, why she wasn't around when you fell for the first girl, the first girl who ended up being the wrong girl? Well, you hit it right on the head, but if it took you three tries then I've still missed the mark. It's a song about a guy who is basically on the rebound and happens to find the opportunity for genuine love. Unfortunately, he's still feeling the effects of his previous heartbreak, so he's not sure he's up for the task and he wants the new girl to know that. As a result, he asks where were you?But that explanation isn't all that musical is it? Anxious to hear what others think, because if all of you agree that the story and lyrics are a 4 out of 10, I've got big problems in judgment that I need to work on.Ive highlited the basic story. This is it!!! You lyrics now are too abstract and ambiguous. Look at your description of the song.Write around that. You're holding the golden goose right in your hands now squeeze that thing and show us some golden eggs!!!Weird analogy I know.M~