Writing All His Wrongs

davekershaw · Post by **davekershaw** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:12 am

Quote:Anyone remember the "Everyone write this song" thread? Oh yeah, do we ever!Must say Linzi, I did like the take in the first version, of switching from the third person. Like you're hearing him say the same things to her that he once said to you - if I'm reading it right.But the second take is a lot clearer.Nice one.

ciskokidd · Post by **ciskokidd** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:31 pm

Hi Linzi,The second version improved dramatically just by getting the pronoun/POV fixed.I like the idea of your main character not letting him get away with what he is doing - so I felt a little let down when you sort of do at the end.I was hoping for a big payoff that sort of turns the tables on him - something like the main character's songs outing his 'wrongs' in public (the radio).Beyonce has a current hit with a tune that works the same kind of territory to great effect - "If I Were A Boy".Your song is really cute but IMO you could take it a step higher.All the best,Cisko

ciskokidd · Post by **ciskokidd** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 7:39 pm

Oh yeah, forgot to mention GREAT TITLE !!!!!!There is so much cool stuff built into that title.

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Wed Nov 19, 2008 1:12 pm

Cisko, I see what you mean. I'll have a look into it, but this feels about right for now. Maybe the next lyric will be payback time, or maybe I'll have another go at this in a few days.Thank you for your comment Linzi

willied · Post by **willied** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 9:43 am

Linzy, Very very good, the hook got me and the lyrics kept me in the song. Very enjoyable read. Can't wait to hear the song.Bill

jamesm · Post by **jamesm** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:24 pm

I do like the second verse much better than the first! Quite a transformation. Really nice! Like willied, I can't wait to hear it sung.James

squids · Post by **squids** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:25 am

Hey linz, I remember the "everyone write this song" thread, girlfriend. Boy, that was some finish, huh? hahahahahahMost arguments come to some ignominous end around here. No one can focus long enough ta hold a grudge! I love this song. You gonna sing it, right? Cuz I love your vox too.

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:55 am

Thanks guys Yeah Squids I'll sing it somewhere down the line! I get bumped off the piano by my two tots nowadays, one of them plays while the other runs circles round the room. I think they're taking over the joint! I'm waiting for the melody to settle, but yes I'll definitely nail it one of these fine days....

squids · Post by **squids** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:04 pm

Excellent news!!I know your pain! I gave up one of my keyboards to my son.....got another one strictly for recording/writing now. I got tired of gettin' preempted by another network! Can't wait to hear, honey. Jes love your work. We'll get that cowrite done too!! Hopefully I'll have four lovely weeks over Christmas (two more weeks and I'm free!), maybe we can hook up then? (and not that kinda 'hook up', gentlemen!! )

rivercitymusic · Post by **rivercitymusic** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:21 pm

Reads very well. Hard to make any improvements without your tune attached and even then there may only be nit-picky things to deal with.Is it you in the song? I'd hate to think so but if it is then the experience really came through the words.Love it,Doc

Writing All His Wrongs

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