Country Tune - Review Please!

[Hotshot]

Thank you for any feedback you may give.
My demo is at www.taxi.com/hawkins

©2008-2010 Steven L. Hawkins

ONE DAY

Passing thoughts and forgotten dreams
Life is not at all what it seems
Sipping his coffee thinking about what he didn’t do
Realizing his dreams had already come true
Looking out the window out the back door
His baby girl is playing with the boy next door
He can see she’s about to fall
There’s nothing he can do at all

(Chorus)
One day you’re a child
Scraping your knees
Daddy it hurts make it go away
Daddy please
There’s magic in your touch
Daddy I love you so much
He can see that she’s scared by the look in her eyes
If she only knew he’s the one who’s terrified
Daddy please

Looking out the window out the back door
His baby girl is about to marry the boy next door
Daddy she says with a smile
Take my hand and let’s walk for a while
Don’t feel that I’m ready to be someone’s wife
Its okay baby live your life

(Chorus Repeat)

Sitting on the porch swing playing her favorite song
Grandpa’s playing with the kids out on the front lawn
Daddy she says with a smile
Why don’t you come and rest for a while
She can see he’s about to fall
There’s nothing she can do at all

One day you’re a child
Scrapping your knees
Baby it hurts make it go away
Baby please
There’s magic in your touch
Baby I love you so much
She can see that he’s scared by the look in his eyes
If he only knew she’s the one who’s terrified
Daddy please

[glender]

Just listening through my lap top speakers let me first say I liked it. I love a good full life story wrapped up inside 4 minutes . From a Critics stand point I'd say get a singer with a country tone to his voice to sing it. In it's current state this would probably do better in the A/C market. I like the story, the hook seems a little light, It's like a chorus+refrain = hook. It's friendly but I don't think it's going to get stuck in my head for very long. It appears to build into what I would call a flat or descending chorus, that worries me a little. I'd consider pitching it to TV/Movie. I hope that helps.

Sorry, I don't have any technical advice to offer on the mix. gl

[Len911]

Steven I liked the song. Your singing sounded very sincere. I had to pay close attention because there were 3 people speaking here, the narrator, daddy, and the daughter. For some reason I thought daddy's line was, "don't feel that I'm ready to be someone's wife", maybe I was anticipating it was daddy's turn to speak, it was written correctly, it just took me out of the song for a second to realize it was the daughter.

[ottlukk]

Steven:
That song was the best first song I've heard from a new poster on these forums (keep in mind I've been here less than two years). I thought it was absolutely fantastic. I thought it on par with "You're Gonna Miss This", which, as I recall, won a few awards. Your voice was great, the passion was there, and the life progression theme was worked to perfection. I could hear the switch from the father's POV to the daughter's POV coming at the end, and it worked beautifully.
To me this is a Country #1.
Ott

[Hotshot]

Thank you all!!!
I agree about the vocals 100%.
When I wrote this I kinda had a Rascal Flatts sound in my head.

I will revisit the tune and perhaps clarify the lyrics.

Again, thank you!

[waltl]

Steven,

I really enjoyed the song. I think the lyric is excellent and I enjoyed the music and the singing.

I have two suggestions. I would start Verse 3 with "She's" so it's clear to the listener which person is sitting on the porch. When I listened to the song, I at first thought that it was Daddy (or Grandpa) who was sitting on the porch. I had no trouble following the meaning in the rest of the lyric.

She's sitting on the porch swing playing her favorite song

The other suggestion is to change the title/hook to "Daddy, Please." That phrase, to me, stands out more and fits the meaning of the song better than "One Day." Also, that phrase is repeated more often than "One Day."

Walt

[glender]

I listened back through headphones, it's a nice little tune. I think the quality of the vocals are good enough to pitch as is. I wouldn't spend money just to get a country tone. (your call) The production appears to be "broadcast quality" so nice job all the way around. I'm with Walt on the title "Daddy Please" 100%

[Hotshot]

Okay. You guys are great. Thanks for the input!!

[wings]

I listened back through headphones, it's a nice little tune. I think the quality of the vocals are good enough to pitch as is. I wouldn't spend money just to get a country tone. (your call) The production appears to be "broadcast quality" so nice job all the way around. I'm with Walt on the title "Daddy Please" 100%

Yeah, I'd agree on that title as well.

~wings~

[mojobone]

Beautiful job with the production, here, and some dang fine singing and playing. I agree the singer doesn't sound very country, but neither did the "Butterfly Kisses" guy. The changing point of view is problematical, I think, and eliminating any confusion is a very good idea-it's maybe keeping this from being a home run, in my opinion; also, the melody doesn't feel contemporary to me, unless it's contemporary Christian, but there's nothing overtly Christian in the lyrics. (not that there's anything wrong with that) I think the subject matter was better dealt with in a song like "Time Marches On"-this is really, really good, but not quite up to that level, which is where the bar is set. A careful lyric rewrite and the addition of a really strong bridge or interlude section might kick it up a notch or two. B++