"Time for me to go" Country theme

[DorothyWallace]

I think it sounds like a good old fashioned country song to me and the production sounds great. I really like the vocals.

I'd send it for a custom critique. I've had a few for country songs and they really do give a lot of detailed reccomendations. I don't know enough about country to make any suggestions.

Dorothy

[glender]

Thanks Dorothy you're a sweetie.

I'm going to play around with the lyrics some more and see if I can smooth it out.

[jnmorrison]

I'll tell you what - this sounds GREAT to my ears!
Excellent production - AMAZING country voice!
I even like the vocals - ALL OF THEM.

The industry pros are probably right - regarding the re-write bits and pieces to make this a "hit!,
As it stands - I hear this as an Album cut. A GOOD album cut, but It just ain't a single.
To tell the truth - I like this than a lot of Alan Jackson/Brooks and Dunn album cuts I've heard!
BUT If I were you I would start pitching this for film and T.V. - DEF. better than broadcast quality - AND if you've got the bed tracks, submit as a country instrumental - I think this tune should be making you some serious dough!

Welcome aboard this taxi ride!
Good luck to ya!
Glad you shared your tune with us!

This song makes me wanna get back on the road touring in a country band again!
Thanks - you made my day!

Cheers,
Nick

[jnmorrison]

Sorry about the double posts -

What if instead of "hope it's not a crime" you used: "Get you off my mind, I'll get you off my mind".

Especially for the end:
I'll get you off my mind - seems to be a better mantra, certainly would sit well with the country demographic.

Cheers.
Let me know if you try it, and it works.
If you use it and sell it, I want co-writing credit though!

[glender]

Interesting thought Nick, "I'll try to write a song about it, to get you off my mind" hmmm... I didn't think of that! Thanks for chiming in, I'm glad you liked it.

[jfraizer]

Hey Glender. I think it is very good. I'm not into country music, but I live in the south and hear my share of it. The production is really good as is the vocals. I do know that the bar is set very high on country tunes being pitched to songwriters so it might be worth it to get a custom critique. However if you pitch this to a tv listing I think you have a great shot at a forward.

[cameron]

Hey Glender,

I really like the verse melody.

I'd drop the intro/chorus. Give it a 4 or 8 bar instrumental intro and go right into the first verse.

The prechorus works OK, just almost overshadows the chorus. You need to make that chorus soar (we all fight it so don't feel bad).

To me the "I hope it's not a crime" lines don't really lead to your title hook. I'd replace those with something that really explains why it's time for you to go and gives some sort of emotional attachment to the listener. We don't really know why you're leaving except that it's been 15 years and you're tired of apologizing.

The hardest part for me of writing lyrics hasn't been the lyrics themselves, but the story. Most songs work better if there is a clear beginning, middle and end. Easier said than done for sure, but I think this song could benefit from more of a story.

You've got a good start... and I think you've got the chops to write some really good stuff.

Cameron

[rnrmachine]

Hey Glender,

You already know how I feel about this song.. I didn't realize you were looking for criticism on this. I do agree that the line.. "I hope it's not a crime" doesn't work. I REALLY like the change suggested by jnmorrison, "get you off my mind, I'll get you off my mind" works much better. I have a problem with you talking about going out and getting a job before you talk about a family making you a man. So I made a few changes. I also didn't like how some is past tense and other parts are in present tense so I fixed that as well. I just moved your lyrics around and made them all past tense. This is verse 2 that I had trouble with. I DO like that it goes to present tense in verse 3 so, not that you would but in case, do not change it.

I’d have to put my dreams on hold
For after all we’re growing old
you were the best thing in my life to come along.
A wife and a small family
I thought that’d make a man of me
So I went out and got myself a job at the local hall. (I just picked local hall as in unoin hall, I thought it would be best if you picked what job it was)

But our life together ended in 15 years
What we had just didn’t stand the test of time.
The good times, bad times It’s all water beneath the bridge
I will write a song about us, to get you off my mind…

I'll get you off my mind... into normal chorus

Fitting an entire story into a few minutes and only on certain parts of those few minutes is undoubtably the hardest part of country song writing. If all that mattered was the chord progression I would be a country star and so would thousands of others. hehe

Awesome song here though. I think with these small, but big changes it becomes a hit and not just a cut, perhaps.

Rob

[Mellow D]

Hi Glender,

I think the song has a smooth flow and I like the verses, the words and the vocal. I'm not sure about the crime hook for the chorus but that may just be too my ears. The production sounds very professional too me.

All in all good with a slight tweak on the chorus could be great.

Mellow D

[cameron]

Just gave this another listen,

Musically this is a real solid song. You've got a memorable chorus melody, a good production with the right "sound", but I think the melodic hook payoff needs to be a little stronger.

Lyrically there were a few things that bothered me. I didn't quite get the "I Hope It's Not a Crime" concept as it related to the subject matter of meeting and breaking up after 15 years. What's the crime... writing a song about it?

I also didn't get the "bike with a broken wheel" line. That sort of came out of nowhere and doesn't lead to your hook in any way I can see.

Another thing that I just got busted on on one of my songs recently (which probably makes me a little hyper-sensitive to this right now) is that there's no real emotional attachment that everyone can identify with. It's a nice song wih a lot of memories that perhaps you can relate to personally, but nothing I think is going to make the average listener go "wow... can I relate to that!"

Dang it though, it sounds really nice... I just know from my own experience that nice isn't good enough for Nashville these days.
Keep up the good work though... you have talent!

Cam