Way back when, a guy was writing a theme song for a film about poker. He posted the lyrics (which weren't bad to begin with) asked for comments and over the course of a week or so, the lyricists here on the forum transformed that into practically a lyrical work of art. As a demonstration to newcomers and those interesting in learning/seeing firsthand what this forum really is and what the forum members are really made of, of learning/seeing options and alternatives that maybe weren't apparent when looking at a song individually I'd like to offer this "challenge" to the group... a good-natured fun challenge but I need the help of lyrics experts here on the forum.
There is a thread that never really got any attention and I think it would be the perfect vehicle for this kind of thing. That thread came from Ben Webb (benwebb) and, in part, was a question (unanswered at this time) about a return...
Ben, if you would be so kind as to post the listing that you submitted to. The reason is so that we know the "target". In a goofy example, the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance" (Lee Ann Womack) are great lyrics but wouldn't work for a segment on extreme cage fighting. So... we need the listing so we know what the target was. Also if you could/would post the lyrics (time-saver for us).From the screener...
Thanks for submitting these songs. Your style is right on for this listing, and the vibe of your songs is warm and relatable. That being said, you could reveal some more about the feelings behind the words, or the events that lead to the moments you're describing in your songs. Fleshing out the stories a little bit could give your listener more details to connect with, and more images to imagine. A good way to add to the content of your lyrics is to take a line and ask, "if this was my first time hearing this line, what else might I want to know?". In the line "And I swear you are in these walls", the audience might want to know what walls you are referring to, or which of your senses are telling you the subject is in them.
From Ben...
I really had to laugh... I mean what am i mean to write ??
Forum lyrics writers... if you would collectively work with Ben to offer alternatives, offer suggestions for writing/rewriting and crafting Ben's lyrics in a true lyric writing session, doing it publicly here so that the rest of us can see the transformation. You guys that remember the poker song and how that was posted/reposted can help with formulating the "rules" for the process so it's somewhat organized
Me... if there can be a general consensus (final decision with Ben obviously) on a newer revised version, when it's done, I'll pay for a Taxi custom critique either for the track itself (if Ben can/would re-record with the new lyrics) or a custom critique on just the lyrics. Ben, you pay for the critique submission (show me the email receipt) and I'll send a check to reimburse you. Also, decide if you want a different screener or the same screener to custom critique the final alternative version.
In the end, there's one thing that won't happen. The song won't be worse. It's very likely that the song will be better... or at least different. Of course this is Ben's song... he can do what he wants with it. This isn't a 25-way co-write. The whole idea of this exercise is to display a bit of collective professionalism and a positive, productive way of dealing with the vagueness that is always going to be inherent in anything subjective, no matter how informed the opinion might be.
So... assuming Ben is up for this... who's in?
Dave
(shameless plug) 
