Sophisticated Lyrics???

[Nick2012]

Hi Hookjaw,

I'm currently on a base in Iraq and can't stream audio on my work computer, so I can't hear your song. But judging from the critique, the music must be awesome. My compliments. I'd like to add my 2 cents on the lyrics though. It's just one man's opinion, but I believe your re-write is still a bit cliché. "Your eyes make me cry", "My heart skips a beat", "You knock me off my feet", etc., are just too old-school.

You haven't really explored more "daring" and "provocative" lyrics. Plus the listener mentioned to make it "conversational".

You call it "One Fine Night". You set an initial scene which implies a romantic night on the beach. But you don't really take it anywhere. I think the listener is left hanging. "Romantic night on the beach" is sort of a done-to-death premise, and, in and of itself, is a bit of a cliché anyway. So if you're going to try to sell a listener on another musical interpretation of that story line, you're going to need to take risks.

With all this in mind, I would suggest something like....


One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

On a stone we lay
Moist from the ocean spray
Hearing the sea birds call.....

And I look in your eyes
Those azure eyes
Deep in them I could fall.......

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

The night breeze purrs
Blending with your whispers
Telling me I’m your all.....

And your eyes reveal to me
Loving what they see
Deep in you I may fall.......

Interlude

You’re everything
I’ve been longing for
You’re everything, my all....

When we touch
My heart forgets time
Deep in you I will fall.....

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

[sedge]

Hi HookJaw, Yeah the lyric I would have guessed its couple would have been the

'Those big blue eyes
Blue as the ocean Sky'

I see there have been some changing comments and not sure where you have gone, but
''big" could poss be upgraded to 'brave' or 'bold' (both synonymous with big?) to keep 1 syllable alliteration.
"Deep as the ocean Skies" - "Deep" adds weight to the 'ocean' descriptor for the sky (or even skies).

Sorry if I'm repeating an idea already posted!

Rob

[sedge]

just diving back briefly.

"Gonna be One fine night with you" means 'gettin it on' ?

or else why say "night" and "fine" ?

if so,
would have a guess that the lyric might need to describe some raunch/desire/anticipation/hope/nervousness/bravado/plans

possibly?

amazing on the 9's!!

[Nick2012]

>>> lyric might need to describe some raunch/desire/anticipation/hope/nervousness/bravado/plans

Hi Rob,
That's also what I was saying. I'd be interested in your feedback on my post w/lyrics that's above yours. Is it close to what you had in mind?

Nick

[sedge]

Hi Nick, Sorry for the thought repeat and just diving in. Yes I see your on that vibe!
I'm even more rubbish that I haven't listened to the song to get the words in context, just looking at the lyrics.

[Burt Crow]

Hey Hookjaw

‘One fine night’ just seems too well manner and coy for your arrangement. You’ve got this great jazz guitar vibe going on and I don’t connect that they guy who plays that sort of guitar is want to have a ‘fine night’?


IMHO - kill any reference to seagulls – they are an awful bird – they had a high point with Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but when you’re at the beach they try to eat your food and crap on you!

I’m not sure where they are in the relationship – if this their first night; full of anticipation? Or is it an older couple that have left the kid’s with the grandparent and got away for a little interlude; reaffirming their deep love?

I think if you answer that then you’ll find a hook that will resonate stronger

1st time – Tonight’s the night/Beach scene form ‘Here to Eternity’/Come said the boy (Ausi band Mondo Rock http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gujdbZ1csng – its 80s pop but the mood might provoke)

Old timers – This is our night, Tonight I celebrate my love for you (in the sand)

Critiques are never easy to take, but as I listen to song it could be about anyone by anyone – as writers we need to walk the ridiculous paradox of finding unique words that connect with our listener’s own experiences, but with a twist or a new perspective; and cliques over used don’t do that.

Who is the lady you want to be down by the beach with – just start writing all the words you can to describe her, what you’d like to do in the sand etc. – free write, edit later as per your genre, but get a ‘word cloud’ going – see if any of the words/phrases you generate rhyme or create deeper images around the ‘beach’ metaphor. Write as many beach references as you can and see if they connect with the lady?

HTH
Burt