Taxi Screener # 34 - REALLY!!!

[singer1]

Just had a return, that in itself is not news. The main reason was given as lyrics were not what they wanted. However, as the reasoning was lyrical in nature, it would have been nice that they actually followed along with the ' actual ' lyrics.
S111207CO was the listing, for Brad Paisley. The first song was "Don't Go Away". If you can follow, or read, as you have the lyrics, why would you say this is, and I quote " ... your song is more of an 'almost breakup song', as he's not sure whether or not he's going to leave."
The song, if you took the time to even go over the lyrics, is very straight forward. It is about a woman that is pleading for another chance, form a man who is getting ready to leave. NOWHERE IS IT STATED THAT HE IS NOT SURE ABOUT LEAVING. I would hope that you understand AND comprehend what you read. I would hope that you can comprehend this open letter, but I'm pretty sure this is not read by anyone.
As to another song that was submitted, " Santa's Drunk ".
Again I'm wondering where you are getting confused by the change in settings? Just mentioning a santa at the mall, does not mean that the singer is at the mall!! Just brought it up.
In conclusion, I agree with some of what you said in my review; but I don't think you really read or listened to the lyrics sung. www.taxi.com/davebradley

[Casey H]

David
Can you post links to the songs, full lyrics, and the ENTIRE reviews? (At least do it for the first song so we can discuss one with ALL the information in front of us).

Casey

[singer1]

The 1st song - " Don't Go Away "
(Review)
The melody is nice, well-crafted, however, this isn't a country song. Why? Because the lyric isn't country - it's more abstract and not as clear, conversational, relaxed and unique as today's country lyrics are. You might want to check out Brad Paisley's song, "I'll Take You Back" which is also a breakup song. Of course, your song is more of an 'almost breakup' tune, as he's not sure whether or not he's going to leave. Your melody is structured well and I hear the style of this song as more pop/rock, rather than contemporary country.

Lyrics:

I met you in late February
At the time we were in such a hurry
Striving for all I could
To play love's game, as I knew we would, and then

Now it's time for me to hit the road
I don't want to star in your circus show
(Chorus)
Don't go away
I turn around in time for her tears to tell me
Don't go away
I've yet to even step on that plane
"Although I never lied", she cries

I'm rolling in a constant whirlwind
Still reeling from the spin - that's me
Dynamic you were, as a lover
It's time for me to discover, what I need

Now its' time for me to hit the road
I don't want to star in your circus show
Repeat Chorus)
Bridge)
I thought this was like a song I wrote
It never seems to end on that perfect note
All her shaking and crying that says
"I'd do anything to have you stay!"
Don't go, away...
(Repeat Chorus)

... the only race we're in, is the human race... D.B.
http://www.taxi.com/davebradley

[singer1]

But wait, there's more Casey.

2. Santa's Drunk
(Review)
I like the hook, but this is a Christmas song and they have their own listings at Taxi, as artists usually do seperate Christmas albums. This lyric has a lot of imagery, humor and energy. However, I feel that the story's change in settings may be confusing to some listeners. ( ONLY YOU REVIEWER #34)! Setting begins at the mall, then back to his house, and back again to the mall ( at night this time), and a lawn is mentioned in the chorus, which isn't at the mall.
I think this song has potential, but that the lyric could flow more cohesively and seamlessly so the visuals are super clear and compelling.

Lyrics:
Now I see society, just loves to go and shop
It's advertise, and justify the need for that laptop
When I say that I, will have no more, they tell me 'bout layaway
Don't worry about the interest, boy, you will not pay till May

Well, I do not want to see another Santa at the mall
What was that on his breath, I'm sure it was alcohol
(Chorus)
Santa's drunk
His breath, it really stinks
His eyes are red and blurry, and I don't think that's a wink
Santa's drunk
We'' he's really tied one on
See what all the racket is, Oh he's fallen on the lawn

Well I love the fact that I can do my shopping here on-line
I won't miss the crowds, or the malls, and that would be just fine
But what I saw the other night, the crumbs of booze-soaked cake
Were on the beard of Santa Claus, I knew he was a fake

Well they all want to tell you how to spend your Christmas cheer
Is that really Santa, driving his sleigh with that beer, oh no...
(Repeat Chorus)

www.taxi.com/davebradley

[Casey H]

Dave
I agree with the screener 100% here. These lyrics are very non-conversational and confusing. If the screener misunderstood what your song was about it’s because it’s very hard to figure it out. I read it a few times and was scratching my head. If you have to explain it…

Contrast that with a read of the Brad Paisley song—one read and you know exactly what he’s saying.

You need to say what you want to say much more directly and, for every line, ask yourself, “Would people say this in normal conversation?”

Best,
Casey

The 1st song - " Don't Go Away "
(Review)
The melody is nice, well-crafted, however, this isn't a country song. Why? Because the lyric isn't country - it's more abstract and not as clear, conversational, relaxed and unique as today's country lyrics are. You might want to check out Brad Paisley's song, "I'll Take You Back" which is also a breakup song. Of course, your song is more of an 'almost breakup' tune, as he's not sure whether or not he's going to leave. Your melody is structured well and I hear the style of this song as more pop/rock, rather than contemporary country.

Lyrics:

I met you in late February
At the time we were in such a hurry
Striving for all I could
To play love's game, as I knew we would, and then

Now it's time for me to hit the road
I don't want to star in your circus show
(Chorus)
Don't go away
I turn around in time for her tears to tell me
Don't go away
I've yet to even step on that plane
"Although I never lied", she cries

I'm rolling in a constant whirlwind
Still reeling from the spin - that's me
Dynamic you were, as a lover
It's time for me to discover, what I need

Now its' time for me to hit the road
I don't want to star in your circus show
Repeat Chorus)
Bridge)
I thought this was like a song I wrote
It never seems to end on that perfect note
All her shaking and crying that says
"I'd do anything to have you stay!"
Don't go, away...
(Repeat Chorus)

[Casey H]

Dave
I also agree 100% with the screener on this one. The first verse opens describing a Santa at the mall being drunk. Then the chorus says he’s fallen on the lawn. That doesn’t quite make sense. The second verse about you preferring to shop at home on line is probably OK at the start because you are referring back to the drunk Santa at the mall. But you switch to Santa driving his sleigh, the generic real Santa.

If you want to write a song about Santa being drunk, I think you need to pick one “Santa” and stick with that one.

Best,
Casey

But wait, there's more Casey.

2. Santa's Drunk
(Review)
I like the hook, but this is a Christmas song and they have their own listings at Taxi, as artists usually do seperate Christmas albums. This lyric has a lot of imagery, humor and energy. However, I feel that the story's change in settings may be confusing to some listeners. ( ONLY YOU REVIEWER #34)! Setting begins at the mall, then back to his house, and back again to the mall ( at night this time), and a lawn is mentioned in the chorus, which isn't at the mall.
I think this song has potential, but that the lyric could flow more cohesively and seamlessly so the visuals are super clear and compelling.

Lyrics:
Now I see society, just loves to go and shop
It's advertise, and justify the need for that laptop
When I say that I, will have no more, they tell me 'bout layaway
Don't worry about the interest, boy, you will not pay till May

Well, I do not want to see another Santa at the mall
What was that on his breath, I'm sure it was alcohol
(Chorus)
Santa's drunk
His breath, it really stinks
His eyes are red and blurry, and I don't think that's a wink
Santa's drunk
We'' he's really tied one on
See what all the racket is, Oh he's fallen on the lawn

Well I love the fact that I can do my shopping here on-line
I won't miss the crowds, or the malls, and that would be just fine
But what I saw the other night, the crumbs of booze-soaked cake
Were on the beard of Santa Claus, I knew he was a fake

Well they all want to tell you how to spend your Christmas cheer
Is that really Santa, driving his sleigh with that beer, oh no...
(Repeat Chorus)

[singer1]

Hey Casey, 1st of all, thank you for working with me on this, but I am still wondering where in the 1st verse it says that I'm at the mall? It states things about the craziness of Christmas shopping, and mentions a santa that was a the mall. It never says that I'm there. That's a leap. This just mentions things that this guy has witnessed. Never does it say , I'm at the mall, now I'm home, now I'm back at the mall; at night? Where.
As Steely Dan once said, just listen to the songs. Don't pretend it's an essay. This was for laughs. I hear vagueness EVERYDAY on the radio. I would assume that someone at Taxi gets out of the house every now and then. If I were to use the same rules for what's on the radio, we would be listening to the roaring silence of dead airwaves.
There! I got it all out. Now, thank you again Casey for allowing my rant. The last screener said one of these songs was more folk than country. Then the one before that said the same song was too country for a folk listing. I still think that more than one person should listen to the submissions, so they can agree, at the very least, on the genre of a song.
Merry Christmas to all,and to all, a good night!

... the only race we're in, is the human race... D.B.
www.taxi.com/davebradley
www.reverbnation.com/THEdavebradley

[Casey H]

It's not that you said you were AT the mall... The first verse ends with "What was that on his breath, I'm sure it was alcohol", a reference back to the mall Santa you just described. Then in the chorus you sing about Santa being drunk and say "He's fallen on the lawn". That sounds like you are home and talking about the "real" Santa.

Verse 2 starts with references back to the mall Santa and ends with "Is that really Santa, driving his sleigh with that beer"...

Basically, you are all over the board and not consistent around a central idea. What's the main point of the song? Santa is drunk? Which Santa? You start off about society loving to shop, having to get that new laptop, interest payments, layaway, etc. Later you talk about preferring to shop on-line to avoid mall crowds. You need to have verses that support the main idea of your song.

One possibility would be to write a humorous song about how Santa was drunk on your roof, driving the sleigh, fell on your lawn, got stuck in the chimney, etc. This may sound silly but think about "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"... It's clear as day what the singer is singing about. Don't laugh... Sometimes reading something so simplistic (but effective) helps set us back on track.

Best,
Casey

[Len911]

"The song, if you took the time to even go over the lyrics, is very straight forward. It is about a woman that is pleading for another chance, form a man who is getting ready to leave. NOWHERE IS IT STATED THAT HE IS NOT SURE ABOUT LEAVING. I would hope that you understand AND comprehend what you read. I would hope that you can comprehend this open letter, but I'm pretty sure this is not read by anyone."

Deja Vu. I took the time and on July 19th gave my thoughts. I am reading your open letter, and comprehend it more than you might know. My review is more or less the same, you didn't listen then, and I don't expect you will now. I thought there was a pretty clear consensus from all the reviews. Because you are so hard headed, maybe a harder line is needed, YOU DON'T LISTEN!

http://forums.taxi.com/topic31646.html? ... ay&start=0

[guitarhacker]

Usually the screeners get it right even if we think not.

I do agree the lyrics on the country tune are not conversational as most country tends to be. the music sounded good.... it was well recorded and you sang it well.

I think it was borderline country, but not close enough to BP's style if he was the target. When I think Brad P...I think of a telecaster twang guitar and hot picking on the breaks.

I've had more then my share of "close, but not close enough"...and in the Nashville market, the bar is super high.

Close means a miss.