Worktape/Lyrics - I Don't Belong

[RonKujawa]

UPDATE:

Latest lyrics and recording...

http://snd.sc/LtNrFY

V1
Sometimes I wish I was famous
Everyone would know my name
People would stop me on the street
Take pictures and shake my hand

Then I would know I was someone
Then I would have all I want
Is that what my life is missing
And will it help me belong

Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

V2
Sometimes I wish I had money
Houses and TVs and cars
Not worried if I could afford things
My life would not be so hard

Then I could travel anywhere
Then I could have what I want
Is that what my life is missing
And will it help me belong

Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

BRIDGE
Maybe I've been thinking wrong
And this is not my real home
I gotta believe there are better days
And I am meant for another place
Somewhere that I'll never worry
Somewhere I'll finally belong

V3
Sometimes at peace with myself
With all of my problems and faults
I'm okay with not being perfect
And not getting all that I want

Someday when this is all over
And wishes and guesses are gone
I'll find what my life is missing
I will know where I belong

Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong
--------------------------
ORIGINAL POST

Would appreciate any feedback on my arrangement, melody and lyrics. I was going to explain what I was going for here, but I guess that would defeat the purpose of writing the song.

http://snd.sc/LtNrFY

ORIGINAL LYRICS
I Don't Belong ©2012 Ron Kujawa

V1
Sometimes I wish I was famous
Everyone would know my name
People would stop me on the street
Take pictures and shake my hand

Then I would know I was someone
Then I would I have all I want
I wonder if then I would fit in
I wonder if then I'd belong

CHO
Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

V2
Sometimes I wish I had money
Houses and TVs and cars
Not worried if I could afford things
I'd live my life like a star

Then I could travel anywhere
Then I could have what I want
I wonder if then I would fit in
I wonder if then I'd belong

CHO
Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

BRIDGE
Fly around on a private plane
A weekend trip to the south of Spain
People love me where I would go
From Hollywood to Tokyo
Then maybe I would belong
Then maybe I would belong

V3
Sometimes I wish I could get away
From houses and people and cars
Soak in the beauty around me
Give my soul a chance to recharge

I'd have some peace and some quiet
Then I would know what I want
I wonder if then I would fit in
I wonder if then I'd belong

CHO
Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

[Hookjaw Brown]

Isn't there a contradiction is "being famous" and "I wonder if then I would fit in"? The act of being remarkable and famous and rich by definition makes one not fit in, because you are so unusual. I feel that the last verse captures what you are trying to say much better.

Perhaps repeat "I wonder if then I'd belong" would make more sense in the first verses.

[roberthamilton]

Diggin' on this one, Ron.

No complaints or suggestions here.

[RonKujawa]

Hookjaw - Thank you very much for the listen and your input. I'm pretty sure there is a better line out there than "I wonder if then I would fit in". I don't completely agree that it is a contradictory theme though. Yes, in one way being famous would separate you from some people, but I think you'd feel like you fit in (to the world) because you would receive attention, love, adoration. I'm going to try reworking it around "I wonder if then I'd be happy", " I wonder if that would fix me", "I wonder if then my heart would be full". Thanks for giving me a new perspective to work on that.

Robert - Thank you for the feedback, brother.

Ron

[Len911]

Ron, love the conversational flow of the lyrics, love the structure and style also. I would like to drop the "sometimes" and "thens", it brings the lyrics more into the present tense. I would like to drop the "maybe's" and "wonders", but that would change the meaning of the song.
The conflict and self doubt never seem to be resolved, probably because the chorus makes the definitive statement, "I don't belong" and is not a question. The bridge customarily offers enlightenment, though this time it just gives me a "then maybe". Verse 1=Fame, verse 2= money, verse 3 is curious, because it seemingly offers a possible solution, in stark contrast to verse 1&2, but it is confusing because I can't connect getting away from everyone and everything as "fitting in and belonging". Maybe it's attempting to say that fitting in and belonging is not as important as peace of mind? If so, if the last two lines were, "who cares if I don't fit in, who cares if I don't belong" might clear the air. However, I would normally expect such in the bridge and not a verse.

"I was going to explain what I was going for here, but I guess that would defeat the purpose of writing the song."
So what was the purpose, to see how dumb I am at interpretation??

[RonKujawa]

Thanks, Len! No, you are not being dumb at interpretation. It's my job to get my message across in the song, which I have yet to do.

But, that's why I'm at the work tape stage and asking for help.

My theme is that we don't truly belong here on earth. It seems to be something that every human being feels. That no matter what you do or become, we never truly feel satisfied, or that we belong.

My "fit in" line is really about fitting into the scheme of life, not a particular group of people, or even people in general. But, I can see that I'm not making that clear and I've got work to do.

I was thinking about my over use of if, then, maybe, wonder, and I'd like to make it feel more like it's all happening now, but it's someone wondering (in the present) about filling a void.

I originally had a different verse 3 that was a flip flop of verse 1. I wish no one knew me. Everyone left me alone. It felt too negative though. My point was in the beginning I wanted fame and attention. Then I got the attention and it was too much. That no matter what I'm trying to fill the void with - fame, money, a vacation - it all wears off eventually and the void is still there.

You are correct that the conflict never gets resolved. That is the point though, because it doesn't ever get resolved in life either. Maybe I need to take the point a step further to the realization that there is something more, something bigger than life here. Hmmmm...

Thank you for your well thought out suggestions.

Ron

[Len911]

Ron, pragmatically you may very well be correct. Everyone is searching for something to fill the void and answer the question. However, that is why they seek resolution. Even the songs, movies, novels, plays, etc. that appear open ended at least narrow things down to only a few possible conclusions. The void is often filled by religion. The after life, gloryland, heaven, better place than this, all seem to be common themes. Pragmatically yes, you are born, you live, you die, and nothing between is going to have any lasting value, consequence or value that can't be fulfilled by someone else, someway, somehow. Hope prevents us all from committing hara-kiri. "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" is not very plausible, but necessary. That's why it's termed "pursuit of happiness" and not happiness, because the only happiness is in the pursuit, there is no such place as happiness,lol! If you think you fit in but don't, what's the difference? If you do fit in but think you don't, well that might be a problem.
Ok, life is meaningless, but your task as an "artist" is to make it at least stimulating, if not worthwhile. I don't know how you accomplish that with an unresolved sort of hopelessness!*

*I need to write that last paragraph down as a reminder to practice what I preach,lol!

[dtrain1234]

Hi Ron,

I really like this one but I do have some suggestions for you to keep or sweep.

1. Take out all of the 'thens' and 'sometimes.' I think if you use the same words too much in a song it can distract the listener a little bit more.

2. Instead of repeating the 'I don't belong' in the chorus, explain why you feel this way in the chorus.

3. Perhaps towards the end of the song mention that you got it all and now you feel like you don't belong?

[Casey H]

Hi Ron
This has a nice singer-songwriter feel to it.

A few quick thoughts...

You'll need to do something arrangement-wise to compensate for the repetitiveness of the same chord pattern used over and over. Some melodic variation might also be called for.

Does the bridge use the same chords/riff as the rest? I'm listening on laptop speakers in a noisy environment. You probably should vary the music at the bridge since it's so constant everywhere else.

The lyrics of verse 2 say some things that are fairly similar to what you said in V1-- reference "a star", for example. You may want to go with only 2 verses, since you have a bridge. You could take the best of V1 and V3... Make it V C V C B C which is a very common song format.

I'll try to listen with headphones later.

Very nice potential,
Casey

[RonKujawa]

You guys have been fantastic at helping me rethink and make this song better. Thank you!!! It is funny to me that my biggest concern before I posted has not been mentioned. I thought it was a stretch rhyming "name" with "hand" in the first verse.

@Len - You cracked me up with your last statement. I'll have to look at this with fresh eyes tomorrow because I am definitely not going for hopelessness. More of a growing up feel, realizing all the pieces don't fit together in life. Again, I really appreciate your comments. It's obvious you are taking some time to think things through and offer your opinion.

@Darin - Thanks for your input. I will give all those suggestions a try. I agree that I'm heavy on the "sometimes", "ifs", "woulds", and "thens", but the singer is wondering these things. He is in the present thinking hypothetically how these situations would change his life.

@Casey - I flipped the chord progression in the bridge, but same chords. The melody will get some work to make things pop and stand out, but I like what I've got going with the chords. Especially in the chorus on the second line where it goes to an odd sounding chord. I'll consider your suggestion going to two verses, but to me, my chorus feels closer to a repeated refrain line than a traditional chorus. To me it feels more like an AABA format. Good thoughts, though and I appreciate the help.

I did a rewrite to V1 to see if the four lines work better...

V1
Sometimes I wish I was famous
Everyone would know my name
People would stop me on the street
Take pictures and shake my hand

Then I would know I was someone
Then I would have all I want
Is that what my life's been missing
Will it help me belong

Cuz I Don't Belong
I Don't Belong
No, I Don't Belong

Ron