New song – all comments welcome

[nick.moxsom]

Hey, all

Wrote this yesterday, and thought it might work for film/tv I'd welcome you opinions on that. The song's on my Soundcloud page, http://soundcloud.com/nickmoxsom/take-a-train

I played around with various options – 'gonna take the train', 'gonna catch a train', 'riding on a train', and thought this was the most generic. It could possibly be picked up for advertising (or am I kidding myself).

Also, I think the mix might suck, but I can't work out why (is it the vox?). Any offers? I feel I'm getting closer, but I need honest advice, not polite platitudes.

Many thanks,
Nick

[DonnaMarilyn]

Any chance of seeing the lyric, Nick? Did you want feedback on that as well?
If not, no problem.

Donna

[nick.moxsom]

Absolutely, Donna, whatever you've got.


A big adventure
Somewhere new
A fresh perspective
New point of view

No set direction
No guarantees
No fixed intention
It's all up to me

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train

Try a different flavour
See a brand new scene
Gonna be a witness to
A place I've never been

Seek a new solution
Find peace of mind
Keep looking forward
At what's not yet defined

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train

[DonnaMarilyn]

Okey-doke, I'll give it my best shot, Nick.

I like the simplicity of the lyric, and I feel it's universal enough. I'm a long-time lover of trains and their symbolism, so any mention of a choo-choo is going to pull me right in.

I like the brief chorus - really catchy music/melody. To me, the vox could come up a bit. I'll listen again later to see if anything else jumps out.

I like the directness and repetition in V2.

I have a few suggestions, while trying to keep in mind the existing metering. Explore them or ignore them.

Tips in general:
- try to avoid repeating words - in the same section (e.g. 2 x 'new' in V1) or in a different one (e.g. 'new' in V3) unless it's being done for impact: for instance, I think the repetition of 'No' works in V2 - to me, there's a build-up of energy in those lines.

To balance the lyrical structure, maybe use the same ploy in V4 - by repeating a word at the beginning of lines1-3. For instance:
Find a new solution
Find peace of mind
Find a way forward
XXXXXXXXXX Then new line to rhyme with 'mind'.

- make it a little more emotional; some of the words/phrases are more high-falutin' and cerebral than others - e.g. 'perspective', 'be a witness to', 'not yet defined'.

It seems each verse is a variation of the same thing. This likely isn't a big problem in a generic lyric (since it'd probably be a background or ending-credits song), but I'd still like to have a bit more variety in the kinds of details. For instance, 'a fresh perspective' and a 'new point of view' are the same thing. Likewise, lines 3 & 4 in V3 say the same thing as line 2.

Maybe in V3 have examples of what the singer might find in the future.

Rough example only of what I mean:

Maybe love is waiting
Where I'm meant to be
Gonna take my chances on
The things I can't yet see

I hope something in the above might be useful. If anything else springs to mind, I'll revisit the post.

And bear in my mind this is one person's opinion. Everyone else - including yourself - may disagree.

Donna

[swhit]

Hey Nick,

I like the track. I think the mix is pretty good.
The vocal is a little muffled, maybe add
a little more clarity (tone) to the main vocal. Not
sure if you have used a high filter pass on
the vocal to get rid of any lower frequencies
but maybe give that a try, it will brighten up
the vocal. Someone shared
that tip with me and it works wonders.

Also, you should bring in a new instrument
starting in the 3rd verse after the 1st chorus.
Some new ear candy always helps keeps the
listeners interest and gives the song a new
flavour. You actually use the word flavour to
start that verse off.

Other than that I think it sounds great
could hear it in one of those travel shows for
sure.

[feaker66]

Nick

Miss my studio headphones big time. Cheap laptob here.

Love the vibe.

Favorite so far is the train whistle who who.....

Two granddads, father, and brother all engineers. Grampa sam steam engine 50 years.

Only thing I can think of with a quickie response is the melody might stand to have a few high notes sprinkled in for effect.

I still think these quicky's we do and don't mess with too much are always the best.

Will check back later.

Paul

[roberthamilton]

Hey Nick,

This is a very cool track. I like the whole vibe of it. I think the vocals could be brightened up a bit to bring them more forward in the mix, maybe double up a line or two with some harmonies. I really like the production and arrangement... especially digging on the bass.

Robert

[nick.moxsom]

Wow, Donna, great response

LOL. I was trying so hard to avoid repeating 'new', I guess I stepped backwards onto my own rifle. Also love your other comments – thanks for taking the time. So I've had a rethink of the lyric based on the fact that it's:

a) repetitive, as you say, but not really in a creative way, and

b) intended as metaphorical rather than literal. There's something about the view from a train track that offers a different perspective on life and how we live it, doncha think? It's a bit like going round the back of a theatre and seeing dumpsters instead of pewter doors. So I think this is a vast improvement. I wonder if you'll agree...


A great adventure
A lot to do
A total rethink on my
Point of view

No fixed intention
No guarantees
No set direction
It's all up to me

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train

Need a different flavour
Need a brand new scene
Need the thrill of going to
A place I've never been

Find a real solution
Find peace of mind
Find a better meaning for
The life I leave behind

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train

[nick.moxsom]

Steve – thanks for the tip on the vox – it's a new one on me. I shall try it on Mix 2. Actually, there's a didgeridoo on Verse 2 trying to do that 'new flavour' job, but I guess it got lost in the mix. Hmm. More thought required there – maybe a different instrument. Thanks, bud.

Robert – I hear you too on the vox. Glad the bass is speaking to you. It's one of my passions – leaving big holes in the bass line. Proper turns me on.

Paul – there's no chance of you going off the rails, what with your family! I think you might be right about the melody, but also right about messing with it too much. I'm tempted to leave it alone now. Write, record, submit, forget. Rinse and repeat. Thanks for your comments, as always.

Nick

[DonnaMarilyn]

Wow, Donna, great response I'm relieved I didn't overwhelm you.

LOL. I was trying so hard to avoid repeating 'new', I guess I stepped backwards onto my own rifle. I do that all the time as well. Sometimes I'm into a 3rd revision before I notice I've repeated words. Also love your other comments – thanks for taking the time. You're welcome. Glad I could put something back into the pot. So I've had a rethink of the lyric based on the fact that it's:

a) repetitive, as you say, but not really in a creative way, and

b) intended as metaphorical rather than literal. There's something about the view from a train track that offers a different perspective on life and how we live it, doncha think? It's a bit like going round the back of a theatre and seeing dumpsters instead of pewter doors. So I think this is a vast improvement. I wonder if you'll agree... I do. You've tightened up the lyrical structure but at the same time 'loosened' the content a little - made it more accessible on an emotional level. I like that you opted to start lines 1 -3 in each verse with a same word. It strikes me that it kind of mirrors the mesmerising sound/effect of train wheels.


A great adventure
A lot to do
A total rethink on my
Point of view

No fixed intention
No guarantees
No set direction
It's all up to me

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train

Need a different flavour
Need a brand new scene
Need the thrill of going to
A place I've never been

Find a real solution
Find peace of mind
Find a better meaning for
The life I leave behind Funny, that's exactly the line I had in mind as an alternative!

Woooo hoo hoo
I'm gonna take a train
I'm gonna take a train