I Visit Me

[LooknGlass]

I have been busy and going through some heavy stuff lately and I have had writers block. I have a tune in mind for this but it is a very rough 1st draft. Any comments would be welcome.


Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go;
I visit me,
the me that's real.

Somewhere in my heart
in a part not torn apart
I visit me,
where I still feel.

I visit me,
the me you don't see.

Buried deep within my mind,
in a place hard to find,
I visit me,
where hope still lives.

At the core of my being,
where I bottle everything,
I visit me,
the me that still forgives.

I visit me,
the me you don't see.

Someday I may show myself,
but first I must be healed.
What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go,
I visit me;
the me that's real.

I visit me
I visit me



© L. James Tanner

[inga]

Applause.

[mobster85]

very nice.


bob lograsso

http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.php?userid=me

[nylyrics]

well, i think the response previous by inga "applause" is quite appropriate and poetic in itself. This is masterpiece in progress. Can't wait to hear the tune. Please do share.

Andy

[simonsays]

I like this a lot too LooknGlass.
I have only a couple small nits with it. (See below in green)
Steve

I have been busy and going through some heavy stuff lately and I have had writers block. I have a tune in mind for this but it is a very rough 1st draft. Any comments would be welcome.


Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go;
I visit me,
the me that's real.

Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart
I visit me,
where I still feel.

I visit me,
the me you don't see.

Buried deep within my mind,
in a place hard to find,
I visit me,
where hope still lives.

At the core of my being,
where I bottle everything,
I visit me,
the me that still forgives.

I visit me,
the me you don't see.

Someday I may show myself,
but first I must be healed.
What scares me
Is (what) me [The redundant (what) here seems unnecessary to me. Unlike the (still) you use to great effect. Something more descriptive like (how much) or (how little) might work better IMO. Bonuses -- (Much-me) adds alliteration, and (little-there'll) matches up well too.]
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go,
I visit me;
the me that's real.

I visit me
I visit me



© L. James Tanner

[inga]

Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart

suggest using "a". because you already a "t" sounding in every word in that line following it.
parT
noT
Torn
aparT

-----------

[inga]

1/What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

2/What scares me
Is how much
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

3/What scares me
Is how little
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

hmmm...I would put it side and deliberately not look or think of it for a week. When you go back the right version will jump out at you.

[inga]

My spelling there is proof you cannot type properly when the cat is determined to lie fully streched out, feet up in the air, where the keyboard should be situated.

[simonsays]

Inga,
(The) doesn't have a 'T' sound like the other words you quote. It has a 'TH' sound. The difference between BATH and BAT. I also suggested a change due to the similarity, when said or sung, between (a part) and (apart). Reading them -- they're easy to separate, but vocally -- not so much IMO.
Steve

Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart

suggest using "a". because you already a "t" sounding in every word in that line following it.
parT
noT
Torn
aparT

-----------

[simonsays]

Hi again Inga,
You left off the (me) in the last two options listed. I second you on your suggestion of coming back later to look at things.
Steve

1/What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

2/What scares me
Is how much (me)
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

3/What scares me
Is how little (me)
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.

hmmm...I would put it side and deliberately not look or think of it for a week. When you go back the right version will jump out at you.