Tell me if I am wrong, but this song sucks

[perrysmith]

Then Marc posted this...I'm sleeping in our bed againI used to cry but now I smile whenI think of how you used to hold me tightthe days they come and go so slowwithout you here i never knowif what i'm doing is wrong or rightI’m fighting through not having youAnd it’s the biggest fight of my life, but(Chorus)It's the end of the tunnel I can see the lightLike a fading flower turning back toward the skyLike a fighter down getting up on the count of nineI will survive thisI've got my second windAnd I'm feeling like me againJimmy fell down again todayBroke his arm this time and cursed God's namejust like his daddy used to do...

[perrysmith]

Let's not forget that Claire posted this:Maybe she could be seeing the resemblances in her child (one child, no dog) - how in a certain light, when the light falls across the boy's face, he looks just like his dad and that gives her a sense of connection. The dimple in his chin thing. Or maybe she's learning how to do things the way he used to - making coffee or mowing the lawn or she catches herself surfing tv or she's started watching "Cops" the way he used to. Find as many visuals as you can, list them all, start weeding out the ones that don't speak to you. Unhinge your brains and just let words come out without worrying if they're too poetic or not.Have fun!Claire

[perrysmith]

Marc,You have a talent in quickly coming up with stuff to work with. I am trying to take Claire's earlier advice here and there are two things she said that stand out to me when I read your additions:1) We need to write to the hook and the hook here is about being herself again, so not so much a focus on the sadness--your rough draft lines for the second half of the first verse kind of go back to the sadness thing after she just said that she can smile now and is sleeping in their bed again. So i think we need to be a little more positive2) Imagery -- we want to paint the scene a little more here. There is certainly some depth of feeling that comes from your line about her not knowing what's wrong or right without him. But I am not sure it helps us paint that "detailed" picture we are trying to paint.is there something we can point to in the bedroom that would bring the listener into what their relationship was? Picture of them somewhere? Anything that paints a picture and lends depth to their relationship prior to his passing?Regarding the start of the second verse, I chuckled thinking of the boy cursing when he fell, but if he actually broke his arm, he'd probably do more than that! I do think you are really getting to the imagery in these lines, just not sure we want the guy and his boy to be remembered for taking the Lord's name in vain!I like Claire's thoughts about the ways she has had to fill in for dad. What if she describes watching football with Jimmy and pretending she likes it? Or somethign along the lines of what Claire mentioned? This kind of thing will paint a picture not only of what is happening now, but of what the boy used to do with his dad before his dad passed and about the quality of the mom and how hard she is working to make things good even when they are not. Let's keep digging! Tell me if you think I am not keeping us focused or headed in the right direction. I can take it...lay it on me!-Perry

[perrysmith]

I was just looking at some of my own lyrics and it appears that I am better at finding the "flaws" (put in quotes because this can be a very subjective thing) in other's lyrics than my own--never would have guessed, eh? There is something to be said for trying to look objectively at our own lyrics and criticize them the way we would others. For example, the things I just said about Marc's suggested lines could be said about so many of my own lyrics (maybe just in different contexts, but the same general points). So, I am definitely learning from this exercise. It's easier to shoot down someone else's lines than to write your own!

[matthoggard]

We need to determine if we are going to tell that he died or is just gone.I think this is going to be the "elbow moment" of the song. Do we get to it in the 2nd verse or save it for the bridge?Marc is on to something I think but we need to settle on the 2nd verse direction.

[mojobone]

I met an Iraq war vet in the bar last night. I asked him how he was adjusting to being home. He said, "I'm here a lot".

[claire]

questions to ask yourselves:is this real for you? if there isn't a real element in the story, something that means something to you, the lyric isn't going to be amazing. anybody have a life experience, even a remote one, that you can use as a reference point for some of the lyric? anybody lose someone and then have to come back out of depression afterwards? use that, even if you embellish it or change it.what are you saying in the song? what's the point you're making? are you all still writing the song about a woman coming back to her life and starting to feel like herself again? what's the point? we're stronger than we know? love gives us strength, even if the loved one is gone? life goes on?what's the emotion you want to convey? what do you want the listener to feel when the song is played? how does the song impact your audience? have fun Claire

[tedsingingfox]

OFF TOPIC (sorta):Just have to toss out there... If we're going to talk about songs that SUCK, let's talk about the #2 song on the country charts this week. Kenny Chesney's "Out Last Night".What a piece of CRAP. Totally mundane words ("We drank too much beer last night, more than we wanted to") and such cheesy production. Plus, in the second verse, he LIES to all the women just trying "to get the job done". I will NEVER understand how this one is so far up the charts. OK, rant's over. Back to our regularly scheduled thread...

[claire]

actually I kinda liked the second verse about how he said he was Brad Pitt's brother and all those other things. it was surely more creative than the first verse...

[matthoggard]

Well as I was told when I was in Nashville,"When you can see your reflection in all the gold and platinuma records on your wall you can write anything you want!"