Need advice for song...is this too depressing ?

[songmaster]

Hi I just wanted to know if this song is maybe too depressing for film and tv. I am actually a very happy person . Anyway, any advice is truly appreciated.

Where Dreams Go

Sometime I get so tired
Of this imaginary life
Where hope is manufactured
Down some old assembly line
And truth can be a lion
And tear you like a lie
It feels like this old planet
Is where dreams go to die

Sometimes I think about you
We are dancing in my mind
The music plays forever
As I look into your eyes
But then to dust it crumbles
Falling through the hands of time
I guess this precious memory
Is where dreams go to die

Bridge

Sometimes I talk to Jesus
When the whiskey numbs my night
I ask a million questions
For a single ray of light
But God don't talk to drunkards
He's got bigger fish to fry
Then I climb into that bottle
Where dreams go to die

If I could have one moment
To hold you one more time
I swear to God I'd promise
To live a better life
But there you lie so silent
Neath a cold and bitter sky
As the frost takes the flowers
Where dreams go to die.

[GlennPageMusic]

No, I don't think it's too depressing, although I think the explicit mention of Jesus (and to a lesser extent God) does limit its appeal/commercial flexibility. If you care about such things, that is. I personally wouldn't change it for that reason, but you may see fit to do so.

That said, the introduction of a spiritual element in the third verse did catch me off guard and felt like shifting gears. However, I suppose if the music were "country-ish" it would probably have caught me less off guard.

Overall, I think the lyrics are very good. Not that my opinion means crap. The only things I would (consider) revising are the word "drunkard" (feels a bit on-the-nose) and the phrase "bigger fish to fry" - which feels cliche, although there may be some clever double meaning there I'm missing.

A good job overall. Not too depressing for me, but you never know with taxi.

Glenn

[songmaster]

Thanks Glen for the feedback. I guess the song is a bit on the country side ( a bit like Rascal Flatts..I won't let go ), hence the religious bent. I guess it would be better if I do a rough demo. It is hard to read lyrics without at least hearing the melody. I'm thinking of changing the word " drunkard " to "strangers " meaning , that he hasn't talked to God for a very long time. I'm sure I can come up with something better than " bigger fish to fry ".

Anyway, thank you for your advice and I will get a rough demo done with the new changes.

All the best . Tom.

[LooknGlass]

Songmaster I haven't got much to say but nice work on this!! I like it and no, I don't think it's to depressing. Although it is somber a little, we all like a good "saddish" kind of song every now and then. I see this a s a good country tune. God and Jesus doesn't scare me off nor will it much of the midwest and especially the south. Really enjoyed this one dude.

[songmaster]

Thanks Looknglass

I appreciate the comments. I just uploaded my very rough demo of this song ( it may take a while to upload ) and I made a few changes. Anyway, all your comments are much appreciated.

[nick.moxsom]

Tom

I listened to your demo and think this is a really pretty song. And no, it's not too depressing. Even if it was, if it expresses the sentiment and makes me feel your emotion, then it's done its job, imo.

To my ears, the verse with the religious references (V3?) sounds like a bridge - maybe a variant chord sequence here and melody, bring us back to V4. So this would then be a A,A,B,A structure, which is fine for country.

My only other thought was that your pay-off line might be stronger.
(I've tried pasting a pdf in here showing what I mean, but it doesn't seem to work – if you're interested, PM me. If not, no problem.)

Anyway, just my thoughts, and a lovely song, whatever I say.

Nick

[songmaster]

Thanks Nick for having a listen. Yes, I was trying to make the song a AAbA structure by going to Em chord when I got to the religious part...hoping to make it sound like the bridge. I will try your suggestions and see how it goes. I appreciate your feedback and your compliments. Thank you.

All the best

Tom

[simonsays]

Hi Songmaster,
I don't feel this is too depressing either. I also second Glenn about the possible cliche potential of "bigger fish to fry". But I don't think it's necessary to dump that whole line. I would simply switch fish with something like fools. (But then I love twisting cliches. ) IMO "the hands of time" is also a bit cliche. I suggest something like "these hands of mine", if you want to change that. As added pluses ... these has alliteration and consonance with this in the line that follows, it rhymes with dreams in the line after that, and mine has alliteration with memory in the next line.

Your drunkards tag didn't stand out to me as a negative. However, something minor did stand for me in V1. Your two (And) leading lines. IMO (That tears) might work better there. Tears matches consonance wise with feels in the following line. And That matches this in the following line with alliteration. If the And/And is there for drunkard characterization ... please ignore that last suggestion.

Steve (aka, SimonSays)

Hi I just wanted to know if this song is maybe too depressing for film and tv. I am actually a very happy person . Anyway, any advice is truly appreciated.

Where Dreams Go

Sometime I get so tired
Of this imaginary life
Where hope is manufactured
Down some old assembly line
And truth can be a lion
And tear you like a lie
It feels like this old planet
Is where dreams go to die

Sometimes I think about you
We are dancing in my mind
The music plays forever
As I look into your eyes
But then to dust it crumbles
Falling through the hands of time
I guess this precious memory
Is where dreams go to die

Bridge

Sometimes I talk to Jesus
When the whiskey numbs my night
I ask a million questions
For a single ray of light
But God don't talk to drunkards
He's got bigger fish to fry
Then I climb into that bottle
Where dreams go to die

If I could have one moment
To hold you one more time
I swear to God I'd promise
To live a better life
But there you lie so silent
Neath a cold and bitter sky
As the frost takes the flowers
Where dreams go to die.

[songmaster]

Hi Steve

Thanks for your comments. I really like the " hands of mine " line. I think that works a lot better and is more visual. Also, the 2 ands...could be changed to " when truth can be a lion , then tear you like a lie " I already changed the " fish " line to .. God don't talk to strangers, who drink until they're blind ". I don't know if it's any better , but it helps me avoid the cliche. All really good suggestions!

Back to the never ending re-write, but as Lennon and McArtney would say...it's getting better all the time

Thanks again

Tom.

[simonsays]

Tom,
I did another reread of this. This ... in V1 might sing better as my. Just a thought.
Steve

Hi Steve

Thanks for your comments. I really like the " hands of mine " line. I think that works a lot better and is more visual.
I'm glad I could be of help.


Also, the 2 ands...could be changed to " when truth can be a lion , then tear you like a lie "
I like this line . (when/then) match nicely.


I already changed the " fish " line to .. God don't talk to strangers, who drink until they're blind ".
Another good line.


I don't know if it's any better , but it helps me avoid the cliche. All really good suggestions!

Back to the never ending re-write, but as Lennon and McArtney would say...it's getting better all the time

Thanks again

Tom.