T.W.A.B.A.M.

[leadsynth]

Hey guys,
I'm frustrated by this feedback from screener #368....

"while "T.W.A.B.A.M." is an interesting concept, the lyric is counter to itself. While i"m paraphrasing, but you say on one hand your totally committed to this other person, but if they leave you won't be affected. I'm not sure how the two are humanly possible."

Here's the song:
https://soundcloud.com/mayakuper/t-w-a-b-a-m-demo

The full lyrics are there on Soundcloud, but the chorus is:
There will always
There will always be
There will always be another
There will always be another man!
I will love you
The best that I can.
But if you don't love me back,
There will always be another man!


This isn't counterintuitive to ME. Don't love someone who doesn't love you back -- is this really so hard a concept to wrap one's head around?

What could/should I change about these lyrics to make them make sense?

[Len911]

I don't think it's a contradiction, it speaks volumes about human nature and the irony of what people say, because ya know durn well that although she says she won't shed any tears and will move on to another if he leaves her, she's only saying that as a bluff in the hopes he doesn't leave her, because she knows she will bawl her eyes out and have a heck of a time letting go.

My intuition tells me that the screener is a male, ya know, the men are from mars, women are from Venus type of thing. Or the old, she says ______, he hears______ and vice-a-versa. How men and women communicate differently.

In terms of communication between a man and a woman, I sometimes agree with the screener, "I'm not sure how the two are humanly possible."

[Casey H]

Hi Maya

You definitely have to look at the entire lyric, not just the chorus... It could definitely be a cool pop song but not with these lyrics.

I find it confusing and contradictory, as the screener did. In verse 1, you say:

So if you fall right off the face of the planet
I might fall for you

How can you fall for someone who fell right of the planet? I'm not getting it.

As the screener was saying, you say in the first pre-c, "I will love you with all of my heart". It's hard to accept that you would have no feelings if he leaves you. I'm not saying no one could be that cold. But remember, a song has to resonate with the general listening audience. They have to be able to identify with it. Can you imagine any young women hearing your song and wanting to sing along(essentially) "I love you with all my heart but don't give a sh*t if you ever leave me"? Doesn't have much universal appeal.

Verse 2 could probably say something more direct. It's a little hard to get what you are trying to say in that verse. Good phrases but they need to connect better with the overall point of the song.

Verse 3 does a little bit of shift in time and story, introducing that she felt differently about the guy earlier. But which guy? The guy you are talking to in verse 1? In V1, you haven't fallen for the guy yet. Which "you" is "you"?

Most successful pop songs of this type have a fairly direct message that young people can identify with.

HTH... It's JMHO...

Best,
Casey

"T.W.A.B.A.M."

Verse 1:
You could say that I'm a little bit jaded
When it comes to love.
It's a blessing and a curse
In a messy universe
And Earth's already messy enough.
So if you fall right off the face of the planet
I might fall for you,
But if you don't return the favor,
You know sooner or later
That I'll find somebody new.

Prechorus:
I will love you with all of my heart --
Not to mention all the other parts.
But believe me: if you leave me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

Chorus:
There will always
There will always be
There will always be another
There will always be another man!
I will love you
The best that I can.
But if you don't love me back,
There will always be another man!

Verse 2:
Don't forget we create our own fortunes --
And fortune favors the bold.
No remorse and no regret;
Tonight I'm letting go of
All the torches that I used to hold.

Prechorus:
I will stick with you 'til the bitter end.
But I won't ask if we can still be friends
If you leave me -- and believe me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
Diagnosis was a bad case of oneitis;
I only had eyes for you.
But now I'm looking out for number one.
T.W.A.B.A.M.
Who doesn't treat me like number two.

(Prechorus)

(Chorus x2)

[bobporri]

Maya,

I'm not sure how to really address your frustration. I might be totally off in this but I wanted to say I like the song and this is what I think even though it's up for debate. First of all, I actually get what you are saying, and it is simple, but there is a little work involved getting there going through the lyrics. I don't mind digging the extra little bit and actually find it refreshing. It's not overly complicated stuff, just a little sideways way of looking at things. I think you strive to be creative and I believe a certain degree of quirkiness in both your music and lyrics comes natural for you. I really mean that in a positive way. I like things that are different. However, I really don't think the general public wants to work at all at understanding something and that I think is some of the problem that the screener might not be able to work around in their critique of the song.

Sorry if I made no sense, but I gave it shot.

Bob P.

[ottlukk]

Maya: Frankly, I agree with you. I don't know where the screener got the "you are totally committed to the other person, but if they leave, you won't be affected". This is, to my ears, a "I will love you as long as you love me back" song with the added statement of fact, "if you don't love me, I will go and find someone else who does". I disagree with Casey's comments (no offense, Casey). I thought the lyrics were really well done, easy to understand, and especially liked the way the chorus was constructed. I thought this song excellent, lyrically, vocally, and production-wise. Ott

[leadsynth]

I appreciate all these comments!
It's super-helpful to me to hear the exact lines that people don't get.

Casey asked, "How can you fall for someone who fell right of the planet?"

Legit question. Here's my answer:
Have you ever dated anyone who suddenly stops texting or calling? It's like they fell right off the face of the Earth. If a guy goes on a couple dates with me and then disappears, my first reaction is to start wondering about him. Why isn't he calling me? I miss him! And that's when I've got to stop and tell myself, "Hey, if he's not returning my calls -- forget him! Another guy is going to come along. There will always be another man."

I could see how this part could be confusing:

So if you fall right off the face of the planet
I might fall for you,
But if you don't return the favor,
You know sooner or later
That I'll find somebody new.


I bet it would make more sense if I change it to this!

So if you fall right off the face of the planet
I won't fall for you.
'Cause you're doing me a favor.
I know, sooner or later,
That I'll find somebody new.



Now the other part that's throwing people off is this prechorus:

I will love you with all of my heart --
Not to mention all the other parts.
But believe me: if you leave me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

Hmm, maybe this is confusing because there's a "but" in the middle stringing the two ideas together.

What if I changed it to this?

No, I won't let you into my heart --
Not to mention all the other parts!
And believe me: if you leave me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

Or this....

If you think you've got all of my heart --
Not to mention all my other parts --
Then believe me: if you leave me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

Or this....

So you want me to give you my heart --
Not to mention all my other parts?
Boy, believe me: if you leave me, I'm not gonna cry,
'Cause there will always be another!

[leadsynth]

Verse 2 might just need a minor tweak to make more sense, too.

Here's the original Verse 2:
Don't forget we create our own fortunes --
And fortune favors the bold.
No remorse and no regret;
Tonight I'm letting go of
All the torches that I used to hold.

Maybe could replace "Don't forget we create our own fortunes." It doesn't have to rhyme:

Not gonna wait for a flame that ain't burning
Fortune favors the bold.
No remorse and no regret;
Tonight I'm letting go of
All the torches that I used to hold.

[Kolstad]

I don't know, I think this lyric is pretty twisted, especially when hearing it with a sweet singer and an Adult Contemporay track. Gotta be a pretty schizophrenic character saying this face to face to a new boyfriend. If a person says "I'd like to have your love, but if I don't get what I want, I have no strings attached anyway", it's the same as not being committed to the relationship, not investing any true emotion. No investment, no loss, a totally free ride. To me, that comes off as pretty negative and schizophrenic. The only other scenario for me would be that this is written in the voice of a person who's been burnt too much, and is scared of commitment, but the lyric doesn't address that in any way, so I'd need more cue's to belive that. The singer doesn't sound ironic either.

So, can this work? Maybe, but definitely not in a pop song with a sweet voice singing. That's almost scary! For me, it would take a really expressive singer to pull this off, and something in the music that would address the schitzophrenic relationship attitude, to make this truly believable. So, imo, sweet pop doesn't work as a canvas for this.

Just saying, imo, the music doesn't fit the lyric, it lacks "prosody", and the singer is waay too nice and sweet sounding for me to believe that this really is a reflection of her attitude.

Of course it's just an online opinion So, but the old artists can do what they want, would apply here, I think. Anything goes if it's a true artist expression, but if it's to work in tv or film, it will need to withstand a cliché'd reading, as that is probably in the sense it will be used anyway..

[Russell Landwehr]

Just a note on the "fall off the planet" THEN "fall for you" line...

I get the intent now (I was confused at first), but you don't fall FOR someone AFTER they disappear... well maybe you do in romantic comedies... but this song is about moving on after, not falling in love after.

Seems like a "woman power" song. I don't have a problem with the whole concept of "I Love you with everything now, but if you leave I can go on with my life." I've known people who say that and they aren't truly Loving with everything... but they still say that...

or maybe this is Zen Love... hmmm...

Russell

[Len911]

"...If a guy goes on a couple dates with me and then disappears, my first reaction is to start wondering about him. Why isn't he calling me? I miss him! And that's when I've got to stop and tell myself, "Hey, if he's not returning my calls -- forget him! Another guy is going to come along. There will always be another man."

A couple of dates and you miss him. Now I feel like an old man, well I guess I am,lol!

I know this is peer-to-peer and not parent-to-child, so I'll have to sit this one out.