Just when you thought they were "grown ups"

[circlestar]

My husband put together a project with 3 of his best friends and it was going very well for a while until the bass player needed to have his appendix removed and the drummer decided at that time that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue with the project. Long story short as I don't want to bore anyone more than I problem already will.... It was like pulling teeth to get the drummer and bass player to show up for rehearsal no matter what the issues were. Just this week a project that has some European label interested in them asked if my husband would join them as their 2nd guitarist and of course he said yes. Now that he has left the initial project his "ex" guitarist is now stating that this means "competition" yadda yadda - and has decided to turn this into a "war" of music. It's just sad to me to see someone in their late 30's acting as if they were 17 and just started a band.... (sorry if I bored anyone but I had to get some input on this from others to see if anyone has experienced the same thing and the best way to approach it when at shows etc)

[rld]

You mean has anyone else in the music business experienced people with tremendous egos who don't quite understand it really is a "business"?Hmmm...gotta think about that one...I'll get back to ya.

[sgs4u]

Sounds like humans being passionate. Passion often wins over logic. Personally, I'm one of the passionate ones who would rather NOT cooperate when people tell me how I should behave. I don't know if I was like that before I started playing in bands, or if it happened as a result of being in bands. Is it really all that sad to see a 30 year old acting like he's 17? Sooner or later we all wanna revive/relive the fire that's in us. If someone wants to compete, let 'em. There's room for everybody, and the people that aren't in this for the right reasons often abandon their "act" sooner than later. I realize, my perspective might be from the far side of a bell curve, but the one thing I'm not going to do is patiently wait around for life to roll me a pair of lucky sevens. So I commend your hubby for seeing and seizing a great new opportunity, but I also see the worthiness in the fighting spirit of the 2nd guy left behind.

[circlestar]

Hahahaha - Well I guess since you put it that way... I see the issue now, it's all about ego and hurt feelings. But if it's business then treat it like business.. I mean honestly, if you get laid off do you take it personal? (well ok some might) - man it's a vicious cycle isn't it?!?!?!

[circlestar]

May 6, 2009, 8:22am, sgs4u wrote:Personally, I'm one of the passionate ones who would rather NOT cooperate when people tell me how I should behave. I don't know if I was like that before I started playing in bands, or if it happened as a result of being in bands. Thanks for the response Steve. I too believe being passionate is the best way to be when it comes to music, as I am passionate about the business side of music while my husband is passionate about playing as well as writing music. But if you ARE passionate about music and you state it "runs through your veins" then shouldn't that be more important than going out drinking your money away? I guess each person's passion and views are different, yes?Don't get me wrong, they are still very close friends but I think that the hurt feelings are going to be there for a while and I can only hope that the 2nd guitarist can get over his hurt feelings.

[circlestar]

May 6, 2009, 8:33am, davekershaw wrote:Seems to me the best way for your husband is to rise above it, and just concentrate on his own performance. Thanks Dave - yeah we had that discussion this morning. Continue to be friends and move forward and if all his friend wants to do is discuss the situation, change the subject and move on.... but you are right it truly is sad when adults make everything like it was in "high school" - oh those days are ones that I don't really want to go back to... (however it would be nice to have someone else pay my bills again).

[sgs4u]

May 6, 2009, 8:30am, circlestar wrote:... But if you ARE passionate about music and you state it "runs through your veins" then shouldn't that be more important than going out drinking your money away? I guess each person's passion and views are different, yes?Don't get me wrong, they are still very close friends but I think that the hurt feelings are going to be there for a while and I can only hope that the 2nd guitarist can get over his hurt feelings. :-/I think like you do, but I don't Keith Richards ever did. It takes all kinds. Hurt feelings either dissipate or not, we can only take care of ourselves. The 2nd guy is not someone you need to fix, unless his behavior pulls your husband. Whatever is happening, is temporary.

[davekershaw]

One of the biggest disappoints in life for me is that very few people do in fact ever "grow up".The egos and grudges remain, even into the 70's, 80's and beyond.Parents, Grandparents and Great Grandparents acting like they were ten year olds, and I don't mean in the Peter Pan sense.Seems to me the best way for your husband is to rise above it, and just concentrate on his own performance. Cheers,Dave.

[davekershaw]

Quote: (however it would be nice to have someone else pay my bills again).and do all the cooking, washing and go out to work!

[coachdebra]

It seems to me that this is about emotional intelligence (or lack of), and about taking responsibility for your own feelings (or blaming someone else, because they did it to ya).And so often this has absolutely nothing to do with the present circumstances but that it triggers old hurt and old anger that hasn't been resolved. "You betrayed me, just like all those others!"It sounds like your husband was taking himself out of a project that had become untenable because of the bassist and the drummer - and the 2nd guitarist, not being the problem, was left feeling abandoned. Perhaps there could have been better communication about the things that weren't working. Perhaps their needed to be an official ending to the project before moving on to the next project.And, of course, we don't know what the spoken and unspoken agreements were among the members. The problem usually arises with those unspoken agreements - you know the assumptions we make about our relationships. That the way we define "friend" or "bandmate" or whatever, means the same to me as it does to you. By the way - it almost never means the same thing.But all you can do is take responsibility for your own feelings - no one "makes you mad" or "hurts your feelings". You do that with your interpretation of their actions or words. You feel hurt because of what you assumed, what you thought it meant, and what it's meant in the past. And when faced with someone else's feelings, all you can do is listen with compassion and love as they process those feelings. But don't get sucked in by their blaming you for their feelings. You didn't cause those feelings - you don' t have that power. Only they have that power.