Comment on lyrics & arrangement? New Indie/Folk demo

[denalihighway]

Howdy dudes n dudettes,

This is just a rough demo to see where I'm at - so no comments on performance and production if you please! I've got plans for this around a big production and perhaps another singer if I'm not cutting the mustard.

Just wondering if there are any thing sticking out regarding lyrics and arrangement? Any comments gratefully received.

I'm already thinking from changing the line "I’ll tell you how it’s gonna feel" (1st line of 1st prechorus) to "You know how it's gonna be".

Thanks
Gar

https://soundcloud.com/stasissounds/lov ... mo/s-67mDm

Lyrics:

Love Breaks The Hardest Hearts

You think you’re tough, tough enough for love
Its gonna beat you up
You think you’re cool, too cool to be schooled by love
Its gonna treat you rough

I’ll tell you how it’s gonna feel
Like amateur lobotomy
You’ll know it when it slices you
That’s what it’s gonna do

Cuz love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart
Love kills the brightest stars
And you won’t even know til you’re shot

So now you know
Where you gonna go, what you gonna do to avoid the noose?
Don’t waste your time, you’ve done the crime
You’ve been sipping from Cupid’s cup and you’re walls are coming crashing down
It’s gonna get to you

Love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart
Love kills the brightest stars
And you won’t even know til you’re shot

There’s no point in fighting
You should have took a dive in the second round
So just stop your hiding
You can put it off, but its gonna find you, playing dead is the only thing you can doooo

[burpo]

I love your sound. Reminds me of Sparks with a touch of Love and Rockets.

I think all you really need to do is nail down the vocal phrasing.
The song structure is very personal, but solid.

Great job, so far!!

PS: I don't hear this as folk/idie but as (neo-)rock, really.
You should sing the final.

[mikeymike2000]

Hi Gareth,

I like this.

I agree with the last comment that this is not folk.

For me the last stanza really looses the rhythm and momentum with that big pause there. (Unless you are going to fill that in instrumentally) that may be something to look into.

Aside from that, great start!

[johnlewitt]

Hey Gar,

Definitely not indie folk, but of course this is a sparse demo, so who knows.

A few things.

Some of the phrasing stills seems a little awkward. This one jumped out at me the most:

You think you’re cool, too cool to be schooled by love

The chorus is strong, but to me this line doesn't work, it almost seems forced:

And you won’t even know til you’re shot

How about something like...

And you don't even know you've been hurt

Or maybe not!

You say folk, but I hear a big pop/rock production, with all those whoo's and the sing along chorus.

Should I ask if this autobiographical again?

John

[LyricsMatter]

Hi Gar,

A really good song with loads of potential but I do agree with John’s feedback that some of the phrasing seems a little awkward - a bit too forced and wordy - to my ears as well. The two lines John mentioned in his feedback also jumped out at me as needing to be rephrased. I really like the bridge change - sounds great.

Maybe something like this:

Love Breaks The Hardest Hearts

You think you’re tough, tough enough for love
Its gonna beat you up
You think you’re cool, can’t be fooled by love
Its gonna treat you rough OR It can treat you rough

I’ll tell you how it’s gonna feel
Like everyone who’s ever been
You’ll know it when it reels you in
That’s what it’s gonna do OR That’s what it can do

Love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart
Love kills the brightest stars
And you won’t even know what hit you

So now you know
Where you gonna go, what ‘cha gonna do, to avoid the noose
Don’t waste your time, nothin’ you can do
Just a matter of time before your walls come tumblin’ and crashing down
It’s gonna bury you OR It can bury you

Love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart
Love kills the brightest stars
And you won’t even know what hit you

There’s no point in fighting
You should have gotten out while you still could
So just stop your hiding
You can try to run, but its gonna find you, face your fate, it’s all that you can do

Love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart
Love kills the brightest stars
And you won’t even know what hit you

Thanks for the opportunity! All the best with it!

[feaker66]

Man this is good. I love the way that vox pops. (what mic are you using?) Also those oo's that go back and forth. sounds very pop with that.

Does not sound like a demo to me. That acoustic to me is right there. I might be way out of whack, but I wouldn't change much.

Huge upside bud

Sincerelly

Paul

[lesmac]

Hi Gar, I love your voice and the way you put a song together.

I agree with the great suggestions put forward and will post some quick notes that I jotted on first listen.

Too cool to be schooled..yep, find something that fits better
Maybe after the lobotomy something in the vain of "you won't even know what's real'....blah blah ...feel" . ...to elaborate on the actual effect of a lobotomy.

Maybe "done the crime now do the time"

After "cupids cup" maybe blah blah... "drown."..You know, too much drinking! burp!!

Instead of "So just stop" maybe "give up". Avoid using the word "just" A lot of songwriters love to hate that word.

Playing dead "won't get you through" as its futile, instead of "The only thing you can do" you would still be found.

"Love kills the brightest stars". To me that comes in left of field to the story of the song. It's hard to let go of a phrase if it sounds good especially after getting used to it. I'd try experimenting to find something more on theme for the last 2 lines of the chorus.

Thanks for posting. Hope some of this helps.

[JamesCarvalho]

cool song gar,
love the ooo ooo parts, those are keepers..

arrangement is cool.. i hope you develop more contrast with instrumentation and production ..
maybe get to the good stuff quicker..lol

a lot has been said most of my other thoughts have been covered..

there i so much your saying that is cool.. but less could be more..

my songwriting approach from what i hear, is lyrics should be conversational.

hope that's a interesting info post. i'm not wonderful at the feedback thing but i try.

your vocals are nice.. guitar is bright.. i was hoping for some verby drum sounds around .30..

or soon after.. maybe with that ooo ooo parts for that money hooky part.. meh IDK

take or leave it .. its all good

[eeoo]

I dig the tune and the ooh ooh part is killer! I'm hearing straight up indie rock, I think it could be really rocking and catchy. Nice!

eo

[mikemichnya]

Hey Gar,

If you're going for indie/folk, I agree w/Jim C about the need to be more conversational, and you also need more of a story... I like what you're doing melodically , but for me, structurally, it lacks consistency from one verse to the next, both in terms of line lengths and in terms of rhyme scheme.

The chorus was the strongest element, IMHO:

Cuz love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls it apart (change the second 'it' to 'them' or 'you' - you're talking about hearts, plural, not heart, singular)
Love kills the brightest stars (I'm not sure I get this line - I think going back to your title/hook would work better)
And you won’t even know you’ve been shot (I agree w/John that this line isn't working, cause everyone knows when their heart is broken, so it doesn't ring true. I'd re-write it to be more personal, something in the "it's gonna get to you, too" ballpark).

Something like this might be stronger:

Love breaks the hardest hearts
It gets inside and pulls them apart
Love breaks the hardest hearts
It's gonna break yours, too
wooo'oo, wooo'oo

"Love Breaks The Hardest Hearts, wooo oo ooo..." starting with the title didn't work for me, but since you did, although it's done rarely, and the chorus melody is so cool, you might consider starting with it, and trying an ABACAB structure (instead of the VCVCBC structure you seem to have).

I heard verse 1 as six lines instead of four, with an AAAXAA rhyme scheme, followed by a new section with a completely different and very cool lyric rhythm, with AABB rhyme. It felt like a pre-chorus, but you never came back to it (which I was disappointed about), but it was so different it didn't feel like verse 2, and it was different from the second half of the next verse, so it was a little confusing.

You think you’re tough, (4 syllables)
tough enough for love (5 syllables)
Its gonna beat you up (6 syllables)
You think you’re cool, (4 syllables)
too cool to be schooled by love (7 syllables; cool internal rhyme, but it sounds squeezed in here)
Its gonna treat you rough (6 syllables)

I’ll tell you how it’s gonna feel (8 syllables; just tell us, instead of telling us that you're going to)
Like amateur lobotomy (8 syllables; it's good, but it doesn't really fit)
You’ll know it when it slices you (8 syllables; but this line disagrees with the last line of your chorus)
That’s what it’s gonna do (6 syllables)

Your next verse started out like verse 1, and kind of stayed there, except, I'm not sure it added anything. You wrote it with five lines, but I heard it with 9 lines, with an AABBCCXXX rhyme scheme:

So now you know (4 syllables)
Where you gonna go, (5 syllables)
what you gonna do (5 syllables)
to avoid the noose? (5 syllables; more cool internal rhyme, but I don't get it..)
Don’t waste your time, (4 syllables)
you’ve done the crime (4 syllables)
You’ve been sipping from Cupid’s cup (8 syllables)
and now you’re walls are coming crashing down (10 syllables)
It’s gonna get to you (6 syllables)

So, really, you've got three different verses, two with similar lyric rhythms, and that one completely different one, which feels like prechorus or bridge to me. I suggest picking one structure for the verses (four lines, six lines, eight lines, etc. - depends on how much you have to say) with approximately the same number of syllables in corresponding lines in each verse and a consistent rhyme scheme from verse to verse.

The bridge wasn't as interesting melodically as the second verse, and the lyrics didn't add anything new, IMHO.

Gar, it's a good start. Some really interesting melodic ideas, but the lyrics remind me of "scrambled eggs"... before they became "Yesterday"... Keep working on it! I hope this helps.