Only A Whisper (ROUGH, Not a production) REVISED!!

[Casey H]

Thanks Les!
I thought about dropping that "in" in the coldest winter line or finding another way to shorten it. I wasn't sure it made grammatical sense without the "in" but I could be going too literal. The chills aren't like the winter, they are like what you feel in winter. Could be overanalysis on my part. Also, depends a lot on the singer and a singer I'm not!

Regarding the ghostly friend idea... Hmmmm... I think I like 'ghost' best as a passing metaphor up top but your suggestion will haunt me!

Much appreciated!
Casey

Hi Casey,
Left field Les here What about turning the narration around so the ghost is talking to you
Just change

Still you play in my head like a movie scene
Chills up my spine like the coldest winter
My name leaves your lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper
Only a whisper

I'd consider dropping "in" from the coldest winter to keep the words more on the beat

for the bridge if you made that shift

(BRIDGE)
And if you could hear me call you
And we talked again
I'd ask you please just set me free
Stop haunting me my ghostly friend.

Thats why its a whisper, its a ghostly whisper.

Just some ideas to confuse

[Casey H]

Cleaned up some of my previous posts since the thread was getting confusing. My main questions now are:

QUESTIONS
* Is it too unclear why it's only a whisper? I was trying to say that she left and since she can't hear him, it may as well be a whisper. I thought of changing the hook from "Only A Whisper" to "It May As Well Be A Whisper" which is clearer but maybe too much of a mouthful to fit there?

* Does the bridge lyric CONCEPT help clarify why it's only a whisper?

* Does it sound like the set up is that the love interest DIED as opposed to left? It's supposed to be that they LEFT.

[johnlewitt]

So I thought the song was about them being broken up, not that she had died.

With that intent in mind, I might be tempted to change the lyric to this for more clarity.

Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
To you it's only a whisper / for you it's only a whisper.
Only a whisper

Or is that too spot on?

As to the bridge, the 3rd line is confusing (and the whole bridge to me sounds like she's still alive). So how about something along the lines of this...

And if you could hear me call you
And we had that chance to talk again
Would you still insist that we're over?
Would this finally be the end?

Of course if you want her dead, the above probably doesn't work!

John

[ScottFree4All]

My 2¢...

QUESTIONS
* Is it too unclear why it's only a whisper? I was trying to say that she left and since she can't hear him, it may as well be a whisper. I thought of changing the hook from "Only A Whisper" to "It May As Well Be A Whisper" which is clearer but maybe too much of a mouthful to fit there?

It's fairly clear as is. First of all I hear this song with a John Fogerty/Creedence type vocal and feel. It begs for some POWER.

* Does it sound like the set up is that the love interest DIED as opposed to left?

The love is on life support - that's all I got.
In the choruses I would rather hear, "Chills in my spine, like the coldest winter." The word "in" makes it sound rushed. "In" is not necessary imo.

How about instead of:
But it’s only a whisper
Only a whisper

You tried:
But to you it’s a whisper
Only a whisper (and actually whisper this line)

or something similar. The "title" can be the last line.

* Does the bridge lyric CONCEPT help clarify why it's only a whisper?

Don't know. On this bridge I still think the syncopation needs to be more intense and the music should intensify to build a bit. I also don't like the "if" stuff - way too wishy-washy for my taste.

Your bridge:
And if you could hear me call you
And we talked again
You made your mind up it’s over
So what words could I choose?

More "forcefull" suggestion:
I need for you to hear me call you
I need for us to talk again
Don't tell me your mind's made up - don't tell me it's over it's over
What words can I choose - to get through to you?

That was just a quickie example - but I think it needs to be more impassioned there - not wimpy.

* Does this dress make me look fat?

Why don't you wear a pants suit tonight!?!

[Casey H]

Re-wrote the bridge. I think it's much better now. What do you think?

The link and lyrics are the same anywhere I posted on this thread to avoid confusion. All the latest.

Any preferences on the 2 options for the bridge lines (choices shown)?

You all rawk!

Casey

[AmandaJane]

After reading all the posts - no, I do not think it's unclear why it's only a whisper, for me it's obvious. It's a whisper because they have gone and left, and all that remains now is the whisper after the scream...

I can so hear Debbie Harry/Blondie singing this, with attitude and sadness, at the same time.

Can't wait to hear it produced with a female singer